I'm not a big drinker! Wait, before I mislead you let me say that I LOVE to drink ... but I'm only 5'7" so I'm not a BIG drinker ... see, now it makes sense right?The truth is though I really don't drink much any more. I used to drink all the time when I was married. See I figured out not long after the honeymoon that any time I opened my mouth I would end up pissing off Satan's Sister ... I really just think she hated the fact that I talked. Actually I think she hated the fact that I was breathing and then when I talked it just pushed her over the edge.
One day it hit me ... if I drank enough so I COULDN'T talk then I wouldn't piss her off and I would stay out of trouble. AND even if I did piss her off I was so shit faced I had no clue what she was even bitching at me about ... I'd just sit there with the dog look on my face. You know the look a dog gives when you talk to it ... it's kind of like the "what the hell are you talking to me for I'm a dog and I have no idea what you are saying and as soon as you're done I'm gonna go back to licking myself" look. Shit, I think I even did the head tilt and ear thing a couple of times! Looking back now ... if I could have figured out how to do the "licking myself" part I would've never been married ... who am I kidding ... I would've never left the house! But I digress ...
I was exactly 17 when I realized you don't make very good decisions when you are drunk. It was right at the moment I noticed I had a baby-pig-devil-cowboy in a diaper tattooed on my right shoulder! A tattoo that to this day I STILL have to explain every time I take my shirt off. I have actually contemplated getting the following tattooed directly under the baby-pig-devil-cowboy in a diaper:
"I have no F-N idea what it is I was 17 and drunk when I got it"
That way I can actually stop explaining it to everyone. They'll just see the "disclaimer" and go along their merry way thinking "oooh, the poor bastard".
Just as a public service announcement I would like to suggest that you pick out whatever item you want permanently placed on or in your body PRIOR to drinking (cue the NBC "The More You Know" jingle now!)
OK so another bad thing that came from drinking was my marriage ... but it's not what you think. See my entire proposal was a complete misunderstanding! I was drunk and I asked her if she would CARRY me ... she thought I said MARRY and the next thing you know I've got a ring on my finger, my balls in a glass jar and a tilted head with a "what the hell are you talking to me for I'm a dog " look on my face!
Just as a public service announcement I would like to suggest that you pick out whatever person you want to place on your marriage license PRIOR to drinking! And again with the NBC jingle ...
These days I very rarely drink and to be completely honest with you, except for this past Saturday, I couldn't tell you the last time I was actually drunk. Which brings us to this last Saturday! Saturdays have become Golf day for me and my buddy Tom.
SIDE NOTE: Golf is a drinking game created by someone who was drunk ... had to be! The first guy who suggested taking this tiny little white ball and hitting into a tiny little hole about 400 yards away was SHIT FACED! That would've been the only time that would have sounded like a great idea ... and if he wasn't shit faced the guy who said "Yeah, lets do it" was! And more proof that golf is a drinking game ... 18 holes / 18 pack of beer don't even tell me that's a coincidence!
Saturdays have been golf days ... except for last Saturday. Last Saturday my buddy Tom had some back issues so we decided not to play golf. Instead we sat on his deck shooting the shit and DRINKING. I am, have always been and will always be a beer guy. I did go through a short period where I would add some Tequila shots into the mix. When I drank Tequila I would either fight all night or fuck all night ... then when I got married I ended up fighting about not fucking ... so I quit drinking Tequila!
I am a beer guy! Beer doesn't sneak up on you and slap you in the face and say "Hey, it's time to throw-up" like the hard stuff does. Oh, you will throw up from drinking too much beer BUT it's a much slower on-set of the "oh shit" feeling ... with hard stuff it's like "I'm having a great ti ... BLLLUUUUGGGHHHHH"
Back to last Saturday ... The day is going on and we are drinking some beers. I decide to try one of these things called Jack Daniels Punch (another bad decision made by alcohol) and they weren't bad even after 4 or 5. I also enjoyed some Mike's Hard Lemonade because nothing bad has ever come from mixing alcohol ... right? Then my buddy's brother-in-law announces he is going to make Appletini's! I found that VERY amusing! Again I am a beer guy and always thought of Appletini's as "chick drinks" so I had to make fun of him for a few minutes. I may even have questioned his sexuality a bit ... after all he not only drinks Appletini's he knows how to MAKE THEM?!?!
You know, they're not bad ... and they're not hard to make at all! I think I had 3 or 4 of them before he explained to me that they were NOT shots and I shouldn't be sucking down the entire glass in one sip. Oh yeah, this would be a perfect spot for another Public Service Announcement ... never let the guy you were just making fun of make you drinks ... EVER!
It is now about 4:30 in the afternoon and I am inebriat ... enibriat ... anebriat ... SHIT FACED! And now it is decision time ... because when you are drunk that's when you think you think the best and that's when all the good ideas are born.
During our conversations through out the day my buddy was telling me about this chair he has and how wonderful it is. You may have seen one like it at Brookestones. It's the one with the massage balls that REALLY give you a deep tissue massage. You now the one that actually lifts you out of the chair when it pushes on your tired muscles? Yeah, that one! I decide this would be the perfect time for me to not only try out the chair but also FIGURE out the chair! Yes this is a great time to take a break from drinking and go have a little resty in the chairsy ... a chair I have NO idea how to operate sober never mind plastered!
I can't say that I honestly remember getting into the chair ... or which buttons I hit ... or which "program" I ran ... but I DO remember waking up about 2 1/2 hours later and the fucking thing was STILL massaging me! Of course at this point it wasn't so much massaging me as it was tenderizing me like you would a piece of steak. My entire body was like jello and my legs where like rubber bands.
I walked out to the deck much like the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz and I mentioned to my buddy how the chair made me feel and he replied (I SHIT YOU NOT) "Yeah, the book tells you not to stay in it more then 10-15 minutes" ... THE BOOK? He thinks I took time to read the friggin BOOK before I got in the chair? What chair comes with a BOOK???
Now I should remind you that when I went in to the chair I could barley talk but apparently my good buddy Tom, who has known me for almost 20 years, thought I was in good enough condition to sit and read the owners manual prior to my "adventure" in the chair. I couldn't have read a STOP sign, let alone a book!
Due to my many years of conditioning I was able to handle the massive consumption of alcohol without throwing up so I went in search of a chair that didn't require me to read a book prior to using it to curl up in and fall asleep ... and sleep I did!
When I woke up Sunday morning my entire back was actually black and blue and I couldn't even touch it with out squealing like a 3 year-old! I wasn't really hungover though ... sure I had a screaming headache, an upset stomach and I could actually feel my hair grow, but I wouldn't say I was hungover ... yes, Sunday was a very long day!
Now if someone told you they spent the day drinking Appletini's in a massage chair you would think they were in heaven ... but I am walking (slowly) living (barley) proof that Appletini's and a Massage chair ... not the Heaven you would think it should be!
Just as a public service announcement I would like to suggest that you pick out whatever item you want permanently placed on or in your body PRIOR to drinking (cue the NBC "The More You Know" jingle now!)
OK so another bad thing that came from drinking was my marriage ... but it's not what you think. See my entire proposal was a complete misunderstanding! I was drunk and I asked her if she would CARRY me ... she thought I said MARRY and the next thing you know I've got a ring on my finger, my balls in a glass jar and a tilted head with a "what the hell are you talking to me for I'm a dog " look on my face!
Just as a public service announcement I would like to suggest that you pick out whatever person you want to place on your marriage license PRIOR to drinking! And again with the NBC jingle ...
These days I very rarely drink and to be completely honest with you, except for this past Saturday, I couldn't tell you the last time I was actually drunk. Which brings us to this last Saturday! Saturdays have become Golf day for me and my buddy Tom.
SIDE NOTE: Golf is a drinking game created by someone who was drunk ... had to be! The first guy who suggested taking this tiny little white ball and hitting into a tiny little hole about 400 yards away was SHIT FACED! That would've been the only time that would have sounded like a great idea ... and if he wasn't shit faced the guy who said "Yeah, lets do it" was! And more proof that golf is a drinking game ... 18 holes / 18 pack of beer don't even tell me that's a coincidence!
Saturdays have been golf days ... except for last Saturday. Last Saturday my buddy Tom had some back issues so we decided not to play golf. Instead we sat on his deck shooting the shit and DRINKING. I am, have always been and will always be a beer guy. I did go through a short period where I would add some Tequila shots into the mix. When I drank Tequila I would either fight all night or fuck all night ... then when I got married I ended up fighting about not fucking ... so I quit drinking Tequila!
I am a beer guy! Beer doesn't sneak up on you and slap you in the face and say "Hey, it's time to throw-up" like the hard stuff does. Oh, you will throw up from drinking too much beer BUT it's a much slower on-set of the "oh shit" feeling ... with hard stuff it's like "I'm having a great ti ... BLLLUUUUGGGHHHHH"
Back to last Saturday ... The day is going on and we are drinking some beers. I decide to try one of these things called Jack Daniels Punch (another bad decision made by alcohol) and they weren't bad even after 4 or 5. I also enjoyed some Mike's Hard Lemonade because nothing bad has ever come from mixing alcohol ... right? Then my buddy's brother-in-law announces he is going to make Appletini's! I found that VERY amusing! Again I am a beer guy and always thought of Appletini's as "chick drinks" so I had to make fun of him for a few minutes. I may even have questioned his sexuality a bit ... after all he not only drinks Appletini's he knows how to MAKE THEM?!?!
You know, they're not bad ... and they're not hard to make at all! I think I had 3 or 4 of them before he explained to me that they were NOT shots and I shouldn't be sucking down the entire glass in one sip. Oh yeah, this would be a perfect spot for another Public Service Announcement ... never let the guy you were just making fun of make you drinks ... EVER!
It is now about 4:30 in the afternoon and I am inebriat ... enibriat ... anebriat ... SHIT FACED! And now it is decision time ... because when you are drunk that's when you think you think the best and that's when all the good ideas are born.
During our conversations through out the day my buddy was telling me about this chair he has and how wonderful it is. You may have seen one like it at Brookestones. It's the one with the massage balls that REALLY give you a deep tissue massage. You now the one that actually lifts you out of the chair when it pushes on your tired muscles? Yeah, that one! I decide this would be the perfect time for me to not only try out the chair but also FIGURE out the chair! Yes this is a great time to take a break from drinking and go have a little resty in the chairsy ... a chair I have NO idea how to operate sober never mind plastered!
I can't say that I honestly remember getting into the chair ... or which buttons I hit ... or which "program" I ran ... but I DO remember waking up about 2 1/2 hours later and the fucking thing was STILL massaging me! Of course at this point it wasn't so much massaging me as it was tenderizing me like you would a piece of steak. My entire body was like jello and my legs where like rubber bands.
I walked out to the deck much like the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz and I mentioned to my buddy how the chair made me feel and he replied (I SHIT YOU NOT) "Yeah, the book tells you not to stay in it more then 10-15 minutes" ... THE BOOK? He thinks I took time to read the friggin BOOK before I got in the chair? What chair comes with a BOOK???
Now I should remind you that when I went in to the chair I could barley talk but apparently my good buddy Tom, who has known me for almost 20 years, thought I was in good enough condition to sit and read the owners manual prior to my "adventure" in the chair. I couldn't have read a STOP sign, let alone a book!
Due to my many years of conditioning I was able to handle the massive consumption of alcohol without throwing up so I went in search of a chair that didn't require me to read a book prior to using it to curl up in and fall asleep ... and sleep I did!
When I woke up Sunday morning my entire back was actually black and blue and I couldn't even touch it with out squealing like a 3 year-old! I wasn't really hungover though ... sure I had a screaming headache, an upset stomach and I could actually feel my hair grow, but I wouldn't say I was hungover ... yes, Sunday was a very long day!
Now if someone told you they spent the day drinking Appletini's in a massage chair you would think they were in heaven ... but I am walking (slowly) living (barley) proof that Appletini's and a Massage chair ... not the Heaven you would think it should be!
