From my Soapbox ... this will just be a minute!

I usually keep my blog post pretty light-hearted and not too controversial. I am going to try and do the same with this one … BUT I GOTTA VENT!!!

I see on the news that a Governor from a state I won’t mention (but it rhymes with Rhode Island) thinks that we should now call it a HOLIDAY TREE. Are you kidding me? Hey ding-dong, we call it a Christmas Tree because it’s a DECORATION for Christmas! A HOLIDAY tree would be something you get for any holiday … c’mon kids, get in the car we’re going to cut down our Independence Day Tree! I think not Gov’ner!

Now before anyone jumps down my throat and argues the whole “separation of church and state” let me say this… On December 25th you don’t get your mail delivered, the state offices are closed and anything “governmental” is shut down. So you can take your “separation of church and state” argument and toss that right out the window. Yes, December 25th is the celebration of Baby Jesus’ birth, but from all of my Sunday school classes I learned Mary was visited by three wise men … nothing about a fat guy in a red suit with reindeers! Religion has been so far removed from the Christmas celebration; which in itself is disturbing to some people but I have to pick my battles here. What Santa and Rudolph have to do with the birth of Baby Jesus makes about as much sense to me as what a bunny hiding eggs has to do with celebrating his resurrection!

I went to high school in a predominately Jewish town, because of that we got all of the Jewish holidays off from school. Was it because the Jewish people wanted us to celebrate their days and conform to their religious beliefs? Nope, it was simple math … MOST of the students wouldn’t be in school due to the fact they were celebrating their Jewish holidays Sooooooo, they closed the schools! Was I offended as a non-Jewish person, being forced to take a day off for something that didn’t pertain to me? Uhm, NO … it was an extra day off people! When my Jewish friends would say to each other “Happy Hanukkah” did it make me uncomfortable? Nope… in fact I am sure I uttered those same exact words to many of my Jewish friends. To be honest I’m not even fully clear on the meaning behind Hanukkah, but why should that stop me from wishing my friends who did understand Hanukkah a happy one?

Now I am not saying it’s the Jewish people behind the “Holiday” tree thing … I don’t think my Christmas Tree offends any Jewish person nor does their Menorah offend me. No it’s not the religious people complaining … it’s the people that just need to bitch about something complaining. These are the same people who believe every kid should get a trophy in Tee-Ball. Our world has become to “mushy-mushy let’s all sit by a fire and sing Kumbaya”… oops, wait … that’s a religious song huh? Wow, how insensitive of me! I say bullshit, stop giving every kid a trophy!

I played sports as a kid. I played baseball, soccer, basketball, hockey and football. Hell, I even wrestled in High School. But do you know where I spent most of my time during these “sporting years”? On the bench! Why? Because I sucked for the most part! I played Little League baseball and I was afraid of the ball; makes it very difficult to hit or catch the thing if you close your eyes every time it comes within 2 feet of you! Soccer I played when I was really young and running around the grass after a little white ball just never appealed to me (until I started playing golf, but that’s different, I can drink now!). Basketball I played during middle school. Let me just say I was 5’4” until sophomore year in High School … now you know why I sucked at Basketball. Hockey was a High School sport I played but at the time in my life I was more interested in hitting people… I had the checking down but the puck handling and skating backwards I just didn’t have a knack for. I ended most seasons with more individual penalties than I did individual points! Football I was actually pretty good at and wrestling was the perfect outlet for me… I actually combined the two sports during my last football game! What’s this got to do with anything? Nothing really, except for the fact that with all the sports I played I never got a trophy … and I was OK with that!

Oh, and since we are on the topic of sports for a second I would like to add that if I was running towards the end zone about to score the winning touchdown … you can bet your yellow flag throwing, “don’t taunt the other team” preaching, Mr. “I don’t know how to use my common sense” refereeing ass I’m throwing my hand up in the air! I think that kid should have just told the ref he was so excited he was going to score that he started to piss himself and out of habit he just raised his hand to ask for a bathroom pass!

But I digress…

The point I’m trying to make here is that, as a society, we have become too soft. We spend all this time and energy trying to make everyone happy and feel accepted. That’s not reality folks. Reality is this country is a melting pot with a wide array of people who all have their own thoughts and beliefs. Some are widely popular, others not so much. That doesn’t mean one is right and the other is wrong, it just means we think differently! If it offends you that we are lighting the lights on a Christmas tree … don’t come to the tree lighting, stay home, I won’t be offended! But please, for all things that exist, stop with this Politically Correct bullshit already, will ya? I can’t keep up with it any more.

It’s 2011 and I’m not sure if I should refer to my buddy as a black guy or African American or is he a person of color?!?! I have an Irish name but I am actually Italian … should I refer to myself as an Italian American with Irish influences? Wait, actually maybe I should say I am an Italian NORTH American with Irish influences. Don’t want to offend anyone in South America. But wait, what if I moved to South America and became a citizen and had kids? They would be an Italian-North American-with Irish influences-South American, right?

Let’s do this, let’s make things simple for everyone … how about you just pay attention to what matters to you! If my Christmas Tree offends you don’t look at it! If me wishing someone a Merry Christmas offends you, don’t listen to my conversation! If it offends you that I call you black then tell me what it is you would like to be referred to as BUT STOP CHANGING IT! If I accidentally refer to you as Puerto Rican only to find out you are actually Dominican, Sorry! That’s an honest mistake and there is a good chance I will make it again! The same goes for any Chinese, Japanese or Koreans. I’m not being insensitive I just can’t keep up with all of the politically correct bullshit that is constantly changing!

Oh, and if your kid sucks at sports don’t be pissed they didn’t get a trophy. Use that opportunity to teach them that if they want something in life they have to WORK AT IT! Maybe even explain to them that not everything is for everyone. Maybe sports just ain’t their thing! And if your kid IS good at sports and wants to celebrate the fact they just got the winning touchdown, then let them throw their hands up in the air (even let them say “AY-O” if they want too!), let them know that it’s OK for them to be proud of their accomplishments. Sure, there will be kids that are sad because they lost … but if they don’t suffer the agony of defeat they will never truly enjoy the thrill of victory.

The kids I went to High School with had their Menorahs and I had my Christmas Tree and we all got along just fine. So please, stop giving all the kids a trophy, let my Jewish friends celebrate with their Menorah, my black-Africa-American-People of Color Friends celebrate Kwanzaa if they chose and let me enjoy my Christmas Tree. You? You go out and have the best of whatever it is you chose to celebrate!

Merry Christmas!

Old dog ... and awkward moments!

Have you ever heard someone ask the question “Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?”… Of course you have! But I honestly think no one has ever actually SAID that because, although I have heard the question asked many times, I have never heard anyone have an answer.

You actually CAN teach an old dog new tricks … if by old you mean early 40’s and if by dog you mean ME. I continue to learn new things every day. Some I am even fortunate enough to learn the easy way, but most … well most come the hard way. As I sit here listening to the rain come down I decided to sit down and share some of the lessons I have learned and, more importantly, HOW I learned them … enjoy!

Anyone who has ever worked “on the road” knows that one of the most important aspects of your job is to know where the cleanest and easiest accessible public bathrooms are located. If you tend to work in one general area you will know where most of them are and no doubt you will find one that becomes your favorite. I had one of those, a favorite public bathroom.

This location was centrally located, always clean and had plenty of stalls so there was never a wait … important characteristics in the world of public bathrooms. I can honestly say I actually learned many a lesson in this restroom; like YES, .63 cents is enough for some people to come back and knock on an occupied stall door to retrieve … but that is another story for another blog. Today I want to share with you the day I learned a bunch of new things in just one “sitting”.

It was mid-day and I had just finished a good lunch. Now it was time to pick up the newspaper and rest … hey, they call it a restroom, right? Now as I sat there reading the paper it happened … the lights went out! So here is a list of things I learned that fateful day:
1. The motion activated light switch in this particular bathroom shuts off after 15 minutes of motionless.
2. Public bathrooms become VERY dark when the lights go out on you.
3. It is impossible to throw enough toilet paper over the wall to try and re-activate a motion detecting light switch, crumpled up newspaper doesn’t work either.
4. When a complete stranger walks into said restroom, thus activating motion detecting light switch, and sees a bunch of toilet paper and newspaper strewn all over the floor then hears me exclaim, from the end stall, “Oh, thank God” … well, this will always lead up to an awkward moment!


Let’s move on to another lesson learning adventure shall we? Working in a customer’s home one day with a fellow co-worker and in order to get to where we needed to get we had to navigate around these porcelain statues the customer had all over the room. As my co-worker was attempting to squeeze into this one spot he accidentally bumped into one of these statues. This one was in a glass case, stood about 3 feet tall, was dressed in a red robe and had a white face with bright red cheeks. As I lunged to catch it from falling I yelled out “Watch out, don’t knock over the clown!” This is the day I learned that there is a religion that actually has a God that happens to look like a clown, and I also learned that when you call someone’s God a clown, they become very irate. Which I can understand, because I see it as the equivalent to someone seeing a picture of Jesus on your wall and asking “Hey, who’s the hippie?” … again, another awkward moment!

One trend I see in my life is that often speak before I think. Like the day I had a customer ask me if I could move her TV for her. I explained that my company did not allow that and if I was to move the TV and it broke I would personally be responsible for it, a risk I wasn’t willing to take. I then went out to my truck to grab some tools and when I came back into her apartment she was carrying the TV into the living room. Being the concerned individual that I am I said “You shouldn’t be carrying a TV when you are pregnant” … anyone want to guess this lesson learned? Yeah, never, ever, never assume a woman is pregnant! Unless she actually says to you “I am pregnant” just assume she is fat and keep your mouth shut. Oh, what happened next? Awkward moment!

As I think I have demonstrated in the above stories; you can teach an old dog new tricks … but 9 times out of 10 the lesson will end in an awkward moment!