Internet Dating has made me a puppy!

I was married for 3 happy months ... my marriage actually lasted 7 years but if you add up all the happy times it comes out to only about 3 months. I've been divorced now for almost 3 years and except for a few short "relationships" I have been single the entire time. I have actually enjoyed my singleness but much like myself, it's getting old.

I have never been very good at picking up woman. Most of my relationships have been with woman I met through friends or they actually picked me up. I met my ex-wife because my buddy had a crush on her and in using me to pick her up he inadvertently hooked us up and we hit it off (for the night). He never forgave me for stealing her away ... and I'll never forgive him for letting me!

So here I am now, single and sick of it ... it's time to start looking.

Let's do the math on this one ... Married for 7 years and single now for almost 3 ... that's almost 10 years of being out of the dating game! I have no idea where to even start! I can't meet women through my friends any more because now all my friends are married ... and guess what? Married people hang out with MARRIED PEOPLE! Again I will remind you that I suck at picking woman up ... so the singles bar type thing is out of the question.

I like to research things, you know Google shit! So I Google "Where to pick up woman" ... apparently WHERE is interchangeable with HOW because I got about 2,000 results for HOW TO PICK UP WOMAN and how to be a "Playa". OK, First of all I can't be a "Playa" if I don't know WHERE you are playing the game and second of all I can't be a "Playa" if I don't know HOW to play the friggin game!

Then I Google "Where to MEET woman" (side note: "Where to MEAT woman" will bring up an entirely different set of results!). This search was a little more useful ... or so I thought until I got to "Laundromat". There was an entire article about meeting single ladies at laundromats. The article suggested you hang out and scope out the "scene" so you can learn what type of woman use the laundromat. Right off I'm going to guess it will be woman with dirty clothes! WTF ... so I am suppose to just hang out at a laundromat scoping out woman? There ARE guys that do this type of thing ... they are the same guys who steal your dirty panties and do nasty things with them in the bathroom! Sorry, but the laundromat is out the window ... NEXT!

I am having no luck with my Google search. In fact most of the "articles" I'm finding are written by men ... men who have time to write articles about where to meet woman. Single men have time to write articles about where to meet woman ... men in happy relationships don't have time to write articles about where to meet woman! Get my point? NO? Let me put it this way ... I'm not going to take dental advice from a dentist with no teeth ... get it? GOOD!

This was the point I decided to take a friends suggestion and check out the "internet" dating thing. I have heard horror stories about it just like you have but I thought "Nah, it can't be that bad, right?" ... Well, yes it actually CAN be that bad!

I checked out a few sites and even ventured to craigslist (which I now honestly believe to be the on-line version of laundromats) and let me tell you ... there are some fucked up people in this world! I spent about an hour reading some ads and after that my first thought was "I bet being a Priest is very rewarding" ... I'm not Catholic so my Priesthood days would never become reality. Besides, from what I remember about it ... I actually enjoy sex!

I should mention that these are the "FREE" sites ... the "PAY" sites must have better quality people, right?

Let's start with ... well I don't want to mention any names but it rhymes with Match.com! They have a great offer ... if you don't find someone in 6 months the next 6 months are FREE! How cool is THAT? I can spend another 6 months getting rejected and I won't even have to pay for it ... AWESOME! So pretty much they'll confirm that you are either too picky or just a complete loser for free, now that's one hell of a service they're providing don'tcha think?

One thing about the site that rhymes with Match.com is that you can look at the profiles for free, you only have to join if you see someone you like. I decided to give this a shot. Yes it was FREE, but you had to pay to meet the people so maybe they wouldn't be as crazy ... maybe!

HOLY SHIT! If you are looking for an "honest, fun, easy to get along with, sick of games type person that their friends call loyal" ... then this is the place for you because just about EVERY ad I read said that. This is where they all hang out ... spank my ass and call me Barney!!! (Which, by the way, was the title of one of the ads on craigslist ... I just couldn't figure out if they meant Barney Frank or the big purple dinosaur).

Moving on I come across Chemistry.com ... hmmm, let's try this. After all I always liked science! This site asks you questions and you answer them in essay form. In case you are wondering how I do answering questions may I direct your attention to 44 ODD THINGS ABOUT ME or MY BUCKET LIST ... I knew right away this wasn't going to end well!

Question: Who would you like to meet? Are you kidding me? REALLY?
OK ... here was my HONEST answer: When I was about 22 years old my apartment got broken in to ... I was 22 years old and survived on Mac 'N Cheese and Ramon Noodles. I want to meet the person who broke into my apartment ... just so I can slap them upside the head and ask them what the HELL they were thinking! If you're going to break into an apartment go for the guy that's got shit to steal!

At some point in this Chemistry.com survey it requires you to write a little blurb about yourself. I say "requires" because you can not see your chemically selected matches until you type at least 200 words. This took me back ... back to elementary school. Any time I did anything wrong in elementary school the teachers always made me write a 500 word essay on why I shouldn't have done whatever it was I did. I wrote a LOT of these little essays (hard to believe I know) ... mind you it was a 500 word essay! I can not tell you how very, very, very, very, very sorry I was all the time! (See, every "very" counts as a word ... get it?)

Now I am writing this 200 word blurb for a Chemistry.com guru, or some shit like that, and of course I was very, very, very, very, very excited to meet new people! Yeah, this wasn't going to work ... let's try something else!

So I decide I'll start typing my traits (I'm loyal), the good qualities about me (I like to cuddle), my looks (I'm cute), my likes (I like to be out doors), my personality (I like to make people smile) ... and there it was ... I'm a fucking puppy! Yup, I'm either going to make a good boyfriend or a great puppy! There has to be an easier way.

I had seen an ad on TV about another dating site that was offering a "free communications weekend". Now I don't want to mention eharmony.com by name so I won't but I did try their site. This one is a little different than match and chemistry. This one is like an SAT!!! I just wrote a 200 word essay, drank a beer and now you want me to take an SAT type test? Shit, give me a dime bag of weed and I'm back in High School!

I spent about 35 minutes marking off the eharmony SAT type questions ... I strongly agreed and I strongly disagreed on a bunch of shit that I really didn't care about. But hey, the TV ad says they match you with compatible people so it just might be worth it! I finish up their little test and click the "See Your Matches" button ... ooooh I could feel the excitement growing. With just one click of this little button there she will be ... the woman of my dreams! I take a big breath and click the button and BAM!

Sorry, we have no matches for you at this time.

Are you kidding me? Eharmony has nothing for me? Look I'm not being too picky here ... give me something, throw me a bone ... shit, again with the puppy thing.

So eharmony is out and I'm beginning to think the whole Internet Dating thing might be a wash.

I did see something about something called "Speed Dating" (A.D.D. dating is what I call it) and it sounded interesting. Basically you spend about 3 minutes with each person and then at the end of the night you see if there was any connections. But I do have my concerns ... I can disappoint a lady in 30 seconds, I don't know what the hell I'll do with the other 2 1/2 minutes ... but I think I actually have to keep my clothes on for this so who knows.

To Be Continued (at some point) . . .

Garanamils and Mannequins ... PART 2!

ATTENTION THIS IS PART 2
READ PART 1 FIRST

So I am now standing in the middle of the Men's Department with Flamboyant Phil ... feeling much like I did the 1st time my ex-girlfriend surprised me with a finger up my sphincter during sex ... excited and confused!

He was standing there looking around and making little noises ... I was standing there looking around wondering WHAT was making HIM make little noises. Because as best as I could tell there wasn't anything moving or even close to him but what the hell do I know, maybe THIS is the way you shop. And now we're off ...

He's grabbing shirts and pants and belts and his little noises have now turned into either a "yes, yes" or a "no, no". This entire time I am just following behind him much like a school kid does when he's school clothes shopping with his mom. I have no idea WHAT he's picking out or if he is even still shopping for me, clearly he is "in the zone" and I don't want to mess with his Mojo. I'm just doing my best to stay out of his way and keep up with him as he bounces around the department.

I mentioned before how I was like a little school kid shopping with his mom? Now it's even worse because I am getting bored and I want this little adventure to be OVER ... so now I am actually dragging my feet and I'm about 2 seconds away from a "are we almost done" whine when she appears! I see her first but Flamboyant Phil wasn't far behind because he screams out "Sara my love ... what a chore I have here". Honestly? Half of me wanted to smack him for calling me a "chore" and the other half of me wanted to throw out the puppy-dog eyes of sympathy ... I went with the eyes!

Flamboyant Phil (not sure if his name was really Phil, but it's working for me!) is now talking with Sara and going on and on about how this shirt will go with these pants but it could also be a casual fit with these pants and ... yeah, I was lost too! But Sara was beautiful and I AM a typical male so I stood there pretending I knew WHAT he was saying AND I was agreeing with him! I was thinking the sooner he got back into his "zone" the sooner I could chat it up with Sara. Maybe if I played this right I could wear one of these new "outfits" on my 1st date with Sara!!!

Let's jump ahead about fifteen minutes here ... Flamboyant Phil is back to the "yes, yes" and "no,no's" and I am having a casual, unassuming conversation with Sara. I explain that I have always been bad at clothes shopping and even go into the whole Garanamils and Mannequin story. She thinks it's funny, or at least pretends she thinks it's funny, and I'm thinking we are hitting it off. This could be a GREAT DAY OF SHOPPING!!!

Things are going great, Phil is having fun shopping for me and I'm having fun flirting with Sara ... for the 1st time in a long time I wasn't missing garanamils or mannequins!

OK, so maybe I went a little overboard telling Sara how wonderful Phil was for picking out these clothes for me ... and maybe I shouldn't have agreed with her about what an awesome person he was in general ... but I was just trying to be nice and compliment her friend. She, on the other hand, took my "niceness" as bragging! I know this because as she walked away she grabbed my hand and told me what a wonderful person I seemed to be and how happy she was Phil found a nice guy!

HOLY SHIT SHE THINKS WE ARE A COUPLE!?!?!

I was so stunned I couldn't speak ... she walked away, Phil handed me his selections and I walked towards the cash register with a "What the fuck just happened here" look on my face.

A couple of days later I exchanged the clothes at another store (they just were not "me") for a couple of pairs of Jeans and some new T-shirts (more "me") and walked out of the store once again missing my Garanamils and Mannequins!


I HATE SHOPPING ... no, I mean I REALLY hate shopping!

Garanamils and Mannequins ... PART 1!

I HATE clothes shopping ... no I mean I REALLY HATE CLOTHES SHOPPING! But I do have valid reasons! Now I wouldn't want to be misunderstood as one of those people who hate things just to hate things. I generally don't hate much, there are many things I am simply not fond of - like artichokes and John Tesh, oddly enough they both make my stomach turn - but shopping I can honestly say I HATE.

Reason number 1: I absolutely suck at making decisions. I have got to be the most indecisive person I have ever met ... I think, well maybe not ...

Reason number 2: As much as I suck at making decisions I suck even MORE at matching ... what goes with what?

When I was a kid I had Garanimals and that made life so much easier. Elephants went with elephants, giraffes went with giraffes and whales went with whales. That was EASY for me, I knew never to leave the house with an elephant on my chest and a giraffe on my ass ... Whales don't play with donkeys and grasshoppers don't jive with lions! Ahhh, simpler times my friend, simpler times!

In case you don't know, they don't make Garanimals for adults or even teenagers. In fact it says it right in their name: "Garanamals: Clothing for Kids". As a teenager I had mannequin's to help me shop. The stores had them everywhere and they all had clothes on that matched! I would find a mannequin that I thought looked cool (most likely wearing "Z Cavaricci" pants and maybe a "Polo" shirt ... am I dating myself here???) and then I would go find the exact same clothes in my size and I was done. Five minutes in the store and I had, what I guess woman call, "an outfit" ... see you later, BYE! But yes sadly enough even the mannequins went away eventually. I imagine a big field somewhere with a bunch of naked plastic people. Some missing an arm or their legs, maybe a few without heads or a right hand ... just waiting for their big comeback!

Kind of a funny image isn't it?

Back in the day it was simple ... if you saw a well dressed guy he was either married or he was gay! There was no bullshit about it because straight, heterosexual guys couldn't match clothes and we had NO FRIGGIN' IDEA what mauve was. But now all that has changed ... now we have guys who can match clothes, and they not only know what mauve is BUT they can tell the difference between mauve and fuchsia AND they're into woman!

I didn't get the "metrosexual" gene. I'm into woman but I still can't match and the whole mauve versus fuchsia shit ... sorry, it's all PINK to me! But I'm a divorced, single guy who needs to wear clothes and therefore I need to go shopping for said clothes.

How hard could it be for a guy to find a matching outfit? Remember how long it took us to find the clitoris? And that had books with maps to it! There's no little guy in a canoe at Old Navy my friend ... you are on your own!

Now I've been a jeans and T-shirt guy for years. It is simple and easy and EVERYTHING always matched. But I'm getting older and I decided I should start dressing a little more "grown-up" ... not polyester pants pulled up so far my balls actually make camel tows "grown-up", but something other then Levi's and Red Sox shirts. So off to the mall I went ... alone!

I made the decision on my way to the mall the easiest thing for me to do would be to find a sales person and have them help me pick some shit out. I figure if they work around clothes then they must be able to match, right? Let me answer THAT question with this question ... do you think the 16 year old kid bagging your groceries knows how to cook? I think that sums it up, don't you?

First of all stores don't have "sales" people any more. Sure there are people who work there walking around straightening shit up, but the good old days of "can I help you find anything" are gone! Maybe they figured once we found the little guy in the canoe we could find anything ... I don't know! OH, and the proper term is now "associate" ... the people you see who work at the store are now called "associates" ... it says so right on their name tags.

The first "associate" I came across I think needed more help then I did. I can't match but I know when something doesn't look good and believe me this didn't look good. Then I noticed a male "associate" ... oooh, maybe one of these "Metrosexuals" I keep hearing about.

I approach him and lay my cards on the table. I explain my situation and my inability to match ... I even went so far as to make a joke about Garanimals. That's when he rolled his eyes at me, clasped his hands in front of his chest and said "You need some help sweety ... Let me see if I can help you coordinate a fabulous ensemble ... we are going to do some shopping". He then pranced, he didn't walk he pranced, over to the men's department. I wasn't sure what he meant by ensemble but I figured as gay as he was he could put together one hell of an outfit!

Now we are standing in the middle of men's and my "helper" has one hand on his hip and his other hand tapping his lip and it hit ... I just became Tinkerbell's project! I have become an episode of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"

TO BE CONTINUED ...

PART TWO COMING SOON!!!