I think people that drink get a bad rap in society. For instance if I was to sit down and drink 23 beers in one sitting people would say “he probably has a drinking problem” … BUT, if I was to sit down and eat, say, 23 hotdogs, those same people would give me a crown and call me the National Hotdog eating Champion. So with that being said, I’d like to crown myself the National beer drinking champion. Now I will even go as far to accept anyone’s challenge who wants to un-crown me … I may not win but we’ll have a hell of a time getting there, am I right?
My drink of choice is simple, I’m a beer guy. I drink beer. I don’t mind a nice cocktail every now and then but when I’m gonna get my drink on I stick to beer. I can’t stand wine and actually have no idea how to even buy it … I like to keep things simple and wine just has too many rules and names I can’t pronounce. I used to like to drink shots of tequila but when I’m drinking that I usually ended up fighting or flogging all night, then I got married to my first wife and spent all night fighting about not flogging so I gave up tequila. See, told you I was a responsible drinker!
Also, beer has never really gotten me into any serious trouble or bad situations … can’t say the same for tequila. In fact my 1st marriage was the end result of one too many tequilas! I got drunk one night, asked this girl to CARRY me, she miss understood and thought I said MARRY me… next thing you know I’m walking down the aisle with Satan’s Sister. Since that day me and Jose Cuervo have not been friends!
Now I don’t want to say that beer has not gotten me into some pretty sticky situations … actually I WOULD like to say that, but I’d be lying. But they haven’t been BAD situations, awkward at times sure, but never bad. When I drink beer I become happy … very happy. I tend to tell people how much I love them over and over again. In fact if you ever want me to do something best bet is to ask me when I’ve been drinking, I ALWAYS say yes! I can’t count how many times drunk me has made a promise for sober me that hung-over me would have never agreed too! But really, is there anything better than a happy drunk?
Another thing about me when I drink … I come up with the BEST ideas. Granted, I usually can’t remember most of them the next day, but if I could I am sure I would have been a millionaire by now. With the BEST ideas also come the not-so-best ideas, which unfortunately I seem to have no problem remembering. Let me share a few with you now…
I’m going to guess it was around 1992ish. I went to Florida to visit a friend from High School. We went out drinking, I drank beer and around 1:30 in the morning I decided I wanted to go bungee jumping. Let me remind you this is Florida and YES they have bungee jumping places that are open at 1:30 in the morning, don’t ask me why. I make the announcement that I want to go bungee jumping (another trait I seem to inherit when I’m drinking is I become loud … it’s really hard to say you missed something I said.) Here is how THAT conversation went:
ME: I want to go bungee jumping!
My Buddy: WHAT? WHEN?
ME: Yeah, now! While I have the courage!
My Buddy: Someone just died last week doing that, the bungee snapped!
ME: OK, THAT’s the place I want to go to … I’m going to guess they have the newest bungee in town! But if we get there and they have the thing tied in a knot, I wanna try another place!
Now I don’t know if you have ever been or seen bungee jumping in a city. It’s not like they show on TV, over a nice big body of water and you jump off a bridge. No, it’s over an air mattress and you jump from a crane! Isn’t it amazing what people will do for some excitement? Off to the bungee jumping place we go!
Before you are allowed to jump you have to fill out all these releases and legal paperwork saying you won’t sue them if things go bad. At least I THINK that’s what they said, I really didn’t read them I just signed them and awaited my turn to plunge off a perfectly good crane, strapped to what I was hoping was the newest bungee in town, over an air mattress that looks as if it’s only really going to be good enough to keep my remains located in one general area if something went bad. Then I have this conversation with the guy who works there:
Him: You ever do this before?
ME: You mean people do this twice? WHY?
Him: You afraid of heights?
ME: I was until about 6 beers ago!
Him: Oh, you’ve been drinking?
ME: Hell yeah, no frocking way I’d do this sober!
Him: Oh, you can’t jump if you’ve been drinking.
ME: That’s OK, I don’t really plan on jumping … more like falling!
Him: No, I can’t let you go up there if you have been drinking, you have to be sober!
ME: Serious? C’mon, how sober do you think the first asshole to tie a giant elastic to his ankle and jump off a crane really was?
And that is where my bungee jumping adventure came to an end. There is NO way I would EVER do something like that SOBER, that’s just crazy!
This next story has nothing to do with bungee jumping, but it does involve me climbing up on something. I’m beginning to think I also like to climb when I’ve been drinking. Which really isn’t all that smart … just means I’d have further to fall.
I was on a weekend away in Maine with some friends and of course we went out drinking. As we all know Maine is known for its lobsters, anywhere you look you see lobsters. Keep that in mind as this story progresses. So there I am with friends in Maine doing the bar tour thing. Hurry to this bar for a few drinks, go to this bar for a few more and so forth and so on. Now it comes to be about 1am and we are leaving our last bar and heading back to the hotel room. Good time to mention that I have once again been crowned “National Beer Drinking Champion” at this point. I am happy, loud and full of great ideas. As we walk out of this one bar I see it, in all its glory… a giant metal lobster statue type thing. It was like the skies opened up and the angels sang to me. Thank goodness for modern technology because I pulled out my phone and handed it to my buddy and said “Here, get my picture” then proceeded to run towards this lobster like a kindergartner towards his mom after the first day of school.
I think my buddy thought I was going to stand under the lobster, or maybe pretend his giant claws were grabbing me or something lame like that. But no, I had bigger … GREATER IDEAS… I’m gonna climb the damn thing! Oh, did I forget to mention it was pouring out? Minor details to the National Beer Drinking Champion! As I begin to mount this monstrous lobster statue I realize water makes metal slicker, so I remind myself to be careful. I may have even said those words out loud, but I’d be damned if I was going to let that stop me!
I made it to the top, KINDA, and my buddy got the picture. And then I hear this: “Hey, get off that effing lobster” and I think there is a pretty good chance he’s talking to me… and in fact he was. So I respond “Sure, no problem” … that was a lie! It was a problem! My shirt had become hooked onto a shard of metal and I was sort of stuck. I mean I tried to slide down, but my shirt wouldn’t let me. I would have to somehow climb further UP to release my shirt. Now I try, in my nicest way, to explain this to the over-grown gentleman whose job it is to protect the over grown lobster, but he didn’t seem to really be concerned about my shirt.
It took me a few minutes to try to “free” myself from the lobsters “grasp” of me, and as I was doing it I really wasn’t paying attention to footing or the “slickery-ness” of the wet metal. Before I knew it I had lost my footing at just about the same time the lobster lost its “grasp” on me and tumbling off the lobster I went. I landed unhurt laying on my back with the giant lobster-statue-watching guy glaring down at me. I will admit, not one of my proudest moments. This is our conversation:
Him: Serves you right you asshole!
ME: (still laying on the ground) You put a GIANT METAL LOBSTER outside of a BAR and I’M THE ASSHOLE?
I got to my feet, picked up my torn shirt and what was left of my dignity and walked away … but I rode the lobster!
And here is the proof!
Hey, Have a good weekend and remember ... please drink responsibly!
LOVE that you attached a picture!! LMAO
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