Facebook Status Updates ... a History Part 2

she asked: 'Do you love me?' ... and I answered: 'Yes, yes I do ... but I also love the 'Jersey Shore' so clearly my judgement sucks!'

there really should be a cat limit! why do crazy people always have tons of cats? you walk into a house and see more then 3 cats ... you got yourself a crazy!

I just spit on my sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of being so lazy and yet so motivated and resourceful ever!

SHE SAID: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight" ... I SAID: "Sounds awesome, if you get home before I do make sure you leave the light on."

A little hungover today ... even the voices in my head are at a soft whisper!

I'm not sure where the right place to have a complete mental breakdown is ... But it's clearly NOT in the toilet paper isle at Shaw's! Damn lady!!!

It's called SATurday ... so why is every one bitching at me that all I want to do is SIT????

It's a numbers game today ... 1 day off ... 1,000 things to do ... 0 motivation!

things I learned in the last 15 minutes: 1. The building I am in right now has a very pretty concierge ... 2.Talking about how hot she is with Bri while in the elevator seemed safe ... 3. Some elevators have cameras ... 4.This elevator also has a microphone! son of a ...

 

so let me get this straight ... you want me to put my ladder up to the 3rd floor window of a house you say you locked yourself out of ... oh, all I need to do is 'break a small window and climb in' ... oh, and you're 'pretty sure' there's no dog ... AND you'll give me 20 bucks!?!? Are you crazy ... my ladder will never reach the 3rd floor ... let's go to the 2nd floor!

The "Bri-don" cable couple had a good day today ... we saw lots, met lots and fixed little ... and that my friend, is a good day!!!! (BECAUSE, if you fix it the 1st time what kind of job security would THAT be??????)

some days this job sucks and then some days you hit the jackpot and get a half dressed smoking babe who just makes it all worth it!!! Now I need to go write my 'Dear Penthouse Forum' letter and have a smoke!

Has this ever happened to anyone else? I'm sitting here looking at my computer screen thinking "I know I used to do more on here then just Facebook ... but I can't remember what it was" ... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

FOR SALE: Cambridge Parking Authority ticket! Signed by the Author and sequentially numbered! It's value is 25 dollars today but in just 14 days it's value will increase by 15 bucks, says so right on the back! It also says on the back that if you collect enough they'll give you a free boot! I'll sell it today for only 25 bucks!

I know there is some time/pain ratio that determines how long you have to wait before you can laugh after someone falls ... and I also know I have no idea what it is because the bike hadn't even hit the ground yet and I was laughing!

OMG that shower felt so good I think I owe it dinner and a call in the morning!!!

listen up you Enya listening, green tea drinking, socks with Jesus shoes wearing, satchel carrying, Subaru driving, PBS watching, NPR listening, tree hugging SOB ... next time I'm working outside in the freezing cold and you attempt to lecture me on the fact that my running van is melting the ice caps ... I swear on Al... Gore's global warming ass I'll kick you in the cranberrys! Really! And that my friend is a CONVENIENT TRUTH!

alrighty I give ... where are the hidden cameras? No way there are this many crazy FN people that I get stuck dealing with in one afternoon! Oh, And lady ... you tell me you want a new 'mojem' one more time I'm knocking you out!

3 things my dad always told me: measure twice, cut once ... nothing a little duck tape can't fix ... and never trust a fart! I always remember #3 two seconds too late though ...

most people's resolutions are to lose weight ... boring! Mine is to GAIN weight ... just seemed easier and a lot more fun!

Did you know you can't take pictures in Brookstones? Weird huh? The lady was all 'no pictures, you gotta leave now' and I was all 'alright already, let me get my clothes on and I'll go ... geesh, touchy touchy'!

OK so no matter how good of an idea it may have seemed to be ... hanging out the passenger window to clean the wiper whilst Big Bri drives down McGrath Highway didn't work out as well as I thought it would!

He asked: Do you ever miss your ex wife? I answered: Yes, but my aim is getting better!

if I wasn't before I am now ... I just yelled at a deaf lady! Going straight to hell I am!!!

Bored and stuck at the airport. Found a "pay by the minute internet kiosk" ... last time I paid for ANYTHING by the minute I got see some boobs, but NOOOO, this FN thing won't let me! Suppose I'll put my pants back on and go back to the bar!

Found out a bearded dragon is an actual reptile! Weird though, looks nothing like a vagina!

How old should a highway be before you tell it it's adopted?

looking at a bunch of homeless guys in Central Square and it hit me ... you never see a homeless Asian guy! They're like baby pigeons ... I know they exist but I've never seen one!

her: what do I hit for 200? me: uhm, 2-0-0! her: I better write that down. What do I press for 201? me: REALLY??? You press 2-0-1!!!! Her: what about 206? me: press 'all off' then put down your remote, pick up your phone and call 1-800-DIRECT TV!!!

things I say at work that sound dirty but are really not: "Ok, I'll take the pole"

things I say at work that sound dirty but really are not: "Ma'am I'm gonna need to see your box"

things I say at work that sound dirty but really are not: "Gonna have to take a look in that man hole"!

I never finish anythi

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp .... ahhhhh, better! Happy Thanksgiving Napping everyone!

I met this really cute blond today and while we were talking she said "Hockey is AWESOME! It's the best sport! I love every thing about it!" ... so I pulled her shirt over her head and knocked all her teeth out! Probably shoulda re-thought that one huh???

someone stole my identity ... saw my credit score and gave it back!

The question was: If you could go any where in the world where would it be? My answer: My ex wife's funeral! What???

DAMN ... I had something really interesting to say but by the time I had a chance to post it I forgot what it was ... so could you just LOOK interested? Thanks!

My buddy Bill posted the following on his FB wall: " To all my FB friends.....anyone who does not have a place to go for Thanksgiving is more than welcome to come to my house..." I thought it was such a nice gesture, it really touched my heart and inspired me to do the same ... so to all my FB friends I... want to say ... if you need directions to Bill's house just let me know!

OH, and in case I forgot to tell you ... ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐

Unless you do it naked you are never TRULY done with your laundry! Makes sense, right? The owner of the Laundromat didn't think so!

so I was walking out of Longhorns the other night and a Chinese family was walking in ... do you think they said "Hey, let's go out for American!" ... just wondering.

Saw the BEST T-Shirt tonight and maybe my new pick up line: "If we are what we eat then I'll be you in the morning" ... LMFAO!!!

the lady laying on the ground next to the mangled bike said: "I thought that car was going to stop" ... I said: "Belichick thought they could make 4 and 2 ... looks like you were both wrong"

Ahhhh Open Enrollment ... just spent an hour filling out the "10-minute" form! All I know is my PCP better work with my PPO because the DDM on my DMO seemed like a PDC but I think they are all POS's ... yeah, uhm ... socialized health care you say????

you know that feeling you get the split second the sneeze begins ... isn't that the best? It's like a facial orgasm! Anyone got a tissue?

Black Comcast Hoodie: CHECK ... Dusty MDU Basement: CHECK ... Seceret passage that lets you double back around on your co-worker: CHECK ... scaring the ever living sh*t out of Chach and making him curl up in a ball like a 9 y/o girl and pee his pants ... F N PRICELESS!!!!!!!

I should've known my marriage wouldn't have worked. I'm italian and she is a bitch!

for halloween I went as Kanye West ... just as the kids would get ready to say 'trick or treat' I would jump up on the porch and yell 'Christmas is a better holiday'!

Dressed up as Balloon Boy for halloween ... pretty easy costume, just spent the night hiding in some ladies box!

This year for Halloween I went as Madonna ... I put on a blond wig and adopted the Nigerian kid up the street!

If you ain't got nothing nice to say ... OK, I'll shut up!

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking lady and she asked me if I liked breasts or legs and I said I actually prefer a nice ass ... Apparently, I'm no longer welcome at KFC.

ha ha ha ... really at this point all you can do is laugh!

To quote Jay Z... I got 99 problems but a b*tch ain't one!

what a beautiful day! Would rather be getting in a round of golf than working but what can you do, my ex needs the money!

if an all black cat runs in front of you that's bad luck, right? I just had an all white cat run in front of me ... good luck right? RIGHT???? RIGHT I SAID!!!! That IS RIGHT, ain't it???? I could use some good luck!

bad day ... piss off! Yup, that about sums it up!

one of THOSE days ... gonna smack someone!

so here I am at the corner of Land & Mcgrath and 8 elephants go strolling by! No, I'm not drinking ... elephants just walked down the street in Cambridge! I knew there was a bunch of Democrats here, but this is CRAZY!!!

October 18th and it's snowing! If anyone sees Al Gore slap him for me will ya?!

watched Slumdog Millionaire last night for the 1st time ... now I want to go hug the guy at 7-11!

How can something with THIN in it's name be fattening? Screw you Thin Mints!!!!

funny, you never truly realize how cold your hands actually are until you have to pee! Son of a...

I have chapped lips so I lifted the tail on a dog and kissed his butt ... doesn't help with the chapped lips but it does keep me from licking my lips!

I think my goal today is to piss off as many people as I can ... it wasn't my goal when I woke up but it just seems to be going that way!

Played in the sand ... Spent some time in the water ... Great day if I was at the beach but on the golf course ... Yeah, not so much!

unless you do it naked you are NEVER REALLY done with your laundry ... so today I did it naked and now I can't go back to that laundromat!

a simple word of advice: If you're gonna be all 'gangsta' and wear your pants under your ass cheeks make sure the underwear you have on doesn't have shit stains on them! (cue the NBC jingle 'the more you know')

I'm just a white shirt & black tie away from being Michael Douglas in Falling Down!

She asked: "Do these jeans make my ass look fat?" I answered: "No, it's not the jeans"...

The bathroom was out of TP ... and, uhm, you're gonna need a plunger and a new shower curtain!

Heading out ... either gonna be a short night tonight OR a long day at work tomorrow, you just never know with these things!

she said "You're so F-N immature, grow up" ... and I said "I'm rubber, you're glue ... bounces of me and sticks to you". I have no idea what she meant!