Number 34 ... WTF ... are you kidding me?

Has someone ever just stunned you so much that you look at them and think "are you kidding me"? You know one of those times where you just look at the person and wonder how they have made it this far in life. One of those moments that make you wonder if someone is going to jump out and yell "Smile, you're on Candid Camera" (did I just date myself?)

I walk into a fast food joint (not going to mention any names but it's finger-licking-good) to grab a quick lunch. This is "off peak" hours and the place is empty, I mean NOT A SOLE IN THE PLACE except for me and the lady behind the counter. I walk through the amusement park rope maze and make my way up to the counter. The woman behind the counter is in her mid 30's and looks like she is serious about her job, she's got her paper hat on and everything. Now I never criticize people for the choices they have made in their lives, hell I've made my fair share of bad ones. But I have to think that if you are in your mid 30's and your job requires you to wear a name tag AND a paper hat ... maybe you zigged when you should have zagged... moving on...

I place my order and pay the wonderful lady and she hands me my receipt which I put in my pocket with my change. Now is a good time to remind you that I mentioned the place was EMPTY! She then asks me to step to the side ... again, let me remind you that nobody is in the roped maze behind me but she insist that I step to the side. Now I am not one to question authority ... OK, maybe I am ... but I'm not about to piss of a lady in a paper hat that is about to put my meal together! I've watched "Caught on Tape" and I know what CAN happen to your food.

Paper Hat Patty then turns around, grabs three pieces of chicken and dumps them in a box. She then grabs a container of cole slaw and some "potato wedges" (formally called FRENCH FRIES) puts everything in a plastic bag. She then turns around and YELLS "Number 34" ... I SHIT YOU NOT! This might be another fine time to remind you that the place was FREAKING EMPTY except for me and Paper Hat Patty!!! At this point I'm thinking the only reason she had me step to the side was so she could yell my number ... mind you I'm only 2 feet away from her, but I think she really enjoys the yelling part of her job. I must add she does excel at it, I mean when she yelled NUMBER 34 she would have gotten every one's attention ... HAD ANYONE ELSE BEEN THERE!

I raise my hand up to my shoulder and give her a little "yeah, that's me" smile and she (I SHIT YOU NOT ON THIS) asks to see my receipt! Did I forget to mention that nobody else was in the joint??? Oh I did mention that, good. She did have her back turned to me for a good 15 maybe 20 seconds so there was plenty of time for ... who am I shitting? There wasn't time for ANYTHING but she still wanted my receipt. As I was digging in my pocket I mumbled "quite the stickler for the rules" under my breath.

Paper Hat Patty has some pretty good ears because she responded "Just want to make sure you are getting the right order sir"... Uhm, yeah I'm the guy that was standing over there like 30 seconds ago ... you know, the only son of a bitch in here! Now I didn't say that to her because after all, she still had my lunch clutched in her paws but I DID say "Your manager must be very proud of you".

"I AM the manager sir" was her response! Now I'm not sure if it was when she yelled "Number 34" in my face OR when she told me that she WAS the manager, but at some point my jaw hit the floor. I know this because I almost tripped on it on my way out the door.

What happened to common sense? Why did we stop using it? Can we get it back?

My Bucket List ... kinda.

This is another Facebook type survey that landed in my inbox. It's a list of things and basically you just put and X next to all the ones you have done. It really only made me realize how much I HAVEN'T done in life ... but then again maybe that's the intention.

There are also some more "about you" type questions at the end that I had fun answering so I hope you enjoy!

Here we go ...

BUCKET LIST

( ) Been to Europe
( ) Been on a cruise - Only if the ferry to Martha's Vineyard counts!
( ) Gone on a blind date
(x) Skipped school - but I never skipped TO school!
(x)Watched someone die - used to be an EMT ... seen it a few times
(x) Been to Canada - Yeah, it's like another country up there!!!!
() Been to Mexico -
(x) Been to Florida -
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Been lost (yeah I was lost on a plane to Mexico and ended up in Florida ... go figure)
(x) Been on the opposite side of the country
(x) Gone to Washington , DC
() Been to Vegas
(x) Climbed a lighthouse
(x) Swam in the ocean
() Cried yourself to sleep
(x) Done illegal drugs - you mean in the last 24 hours?
(x) Played cops and robbers - it was more fun as a kid I will admit!
(x) Flown a plane - Microsoft's Flight Simulator counts right?
() Owned a boat -
( ) Watched grandchildren grow
(x) Recently colored with crayons - It calms the voices in my head
( ) Been to the Kentucky Derby
() Been to Key West
(x ) Been to a rodeo - Yee F-ing Haw Y'all (AND I used to own a Rodeo ... Isuzu that is!)
(x ) Sang Karaoke - The more you drink the better I sound!
(x) Paid for a meal with coins only - I can't remember but I'm gonna bet I have more than once in my life!
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't - Yeah, including filling out this!
(x) Made prank phone calls - yeah, I'm the one that keeps calling everyone with the 2nd notice that their auto warranty is about to expire!
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) Danced in the rain
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x ) Been kissed under the mistletoe ... man do I miss my mistletoe belt buckle!
(x)Watched the sunrise with someone -
( ) Seen the green flash at sunset? WHAT?????? Do I have to take any of the illegal drugs mentioned above to see this??? Serious IS there a green flash???
(x) Blown bubbles - I know I know ... he's back in town looking for me ... ha ha ha
(x) Gone ice-skating
(x) Gone to the movies
( ) Owned a convertible


And now the questions:
Any nickname - Lynchy, Biz, Asshole and the newest one from the ex... "worthless piece of shit" got a nice ring to it don'tcha think!

Body Piercing? LEFT ear that is STILL open because many moons ago a friend we'll call Denise pierced it after she had me hold an ice cube and a clothes pin on my lobe ... and to answer your next question, YES i was drunk!

How much do you love your job? My job is COMCASTIC!

Birthplace? vagina

Ever been to Hawaii ? nope

Ever been to Africa ? Only at Epcot Center

Ever eaten just cookies for dinner? No, but I did spend a wild weekend with her once in New Hampshire!

Ever been on TV? Yes, most notably was my ass on an episode of Cops ... my ass I said, you know BUTTOCKS!

Ever steal any traffic signs? Steal??? I wouldn't say STEAL, but I did "find" a few

Ever been in a car accident? Yeah, but I slept right through it ... unlike the guy in my passenger seat.

Drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle? 4

Favorite number? 13 Weird huh?

Favorite movie? Untouchables & Scarface

Favorite dessert? Mojave ... oh wait ...

Favorite food? STEAK

Favorite day of the week? I dunno ... I'll go with Wednesday

Favorite brand of body wash? I have a penis therefore I have NO IDEA what you mean by body wash ... you mean SOAP?

Favorite smell? The ocean

How do you relax? RELAX???? Remember the illegal drug thing??? KIDDING!!!!

How do you see yourself in 10 years? in a mirror unless something new comes along

Furthest place this message will reach? Probably some Psychiatrists desk in an attempt to prove I'm incompetent to stand trial.



So that's that ... is there REALLY a green flash at sunset or is someone messing with me?

44 Odd things about me.

A FACEBOOK SURVEY

1. Do you like blue cheese?
Nope (and I'm not too big on green fuzzy cheese either)

2. Have you ever been drunk?
Uh, ya maybe once or twice (if you know better shhhhhhhh)

3. Do you own a gun?
No

4. What flavor of Kool Aid was your favorite?
What do you mean WAS??? GRAPE

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Not yet ... but I'm getting to the "bend over and drop them" age and that makes me nervous!

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
The food right??? Like em ... the actual "yap yap" hot dogs??? ANNOYING!!!

7. Favorite Christmas movie?
Elf ... a classic

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Because a cold beer gets things ... oh, WHAT do you prefer to drink in the morning? I thought it asked WHY ... uhm, I'm gonna go with Coffee!

9. Can you do push ups?
You mean the exercise huh? Yeah I can BUT I'd much rather do Push-ups the ICE CREAM!

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
I'm gonna go with tongue stud ... I don't have one but I knew a couple of people who did and I gotta tell ya I'm a big fan! (that is jewelry right???)

11. Favorite hobby?
Meeting people with tongue studs ... not a hobby??? OK, Scuba Diving!

12. Do you have A.D.D.?
No I wouldn't say that I think ... wait, what was the question?

13. What's your favorite shoe?
SHOE??? Really??? Favorite shoe???

14. Middle name?
Growing up I thought it was "That F$%KING KID" ... found out it's actually Scott

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
1. 44 odd things huh? Couldn't be 15 Odd things?
2. Thinking "what the hell was I just thinking"
3. Shit, maybe I do have ADD

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink?
Coffee
Gatorade
Pepsi

17. Current worry?
That I still have 27 damn questions to go!

18. Current hate right now?
I don't really hate anything right now but the hot dog question got me thinking ... why do you have to buy 12 rolls when you only get 8 hot dogs? Who the hell did the math on THAT one?

19. What do you wish for in the coming year?
That I have a better social life so I don't have spend my time answering 44 odd questions about myself!

20. How did you bring in the New Year?
Same as I did last year ... drunk & naked except this year I wasn't at Wal-Mart

21. Where would you like to go?
Back to Wal-Mart but the judge said not for another 5 years

22. who are the people who will complete this?
People with way too much time on their hands!

23. Do you own slippers?
Yeah ... fuzzy blue ones (you're right that is kind of odd huh?)

24. What color shirt are you wearing right now?
What I gotta be dressed??? 1st Wal-MArt, now here too?

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
Did it once and woke up in the kitchen ... and satin boxers??? Very ... uhm, "comfy" but not recommended for funerals! That's a whole nother story for a whole nother list!

26. Can you whistle?
Funny I used to only be able to whistle with my lips but since my divorce I can now whistle through my asshole too!

27. Favorite color?
Blue (like the slippers not the cheese)

28. Would you be a pirate?
Let's see ... they drink rum, sleep with lots of woman and don't work very hard ... shit I think I already am one!

29. What songs do you sing in the shower?
"I'm a little tea pot..."

30. Favorite girl's Name?
My FAVORITE GIRL is my daughter Falicia but my favorite girls NAME is Helga!

31. Favorite boy's name?
I gotta go with Helga again!

32. What's in your pocket right now?
Sunshine! Yup ... I got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine! (not really but I bet you'll be singing that song for the next 5 minutes!

33. Last thing that made you laugh?
Number 32

34. Best bed sheets as a child?
Really we should have stopped at 33 ODD things!

35. Worst injury you've ever had as a child?
Concussion from going head first through the wall ... which, funny enough, was right AFTER I woke my mother up with my 1st (and last) home-made "garden hose alarm clock" ... now you see where the "F#$KING KID" name came from!

36. What are your plans for the future?
Plans? Future? Uhm, I'm gonna play the ADD card on this one!

37. Do you walk around the house naked?
Only on laundry day ... see I figured out if you don't do laundry naked then you're never really done!

38. Who is your loudest friend?
There was this girl I knew ... oh wait, loudest FRIEND ... uhm, Varano!

39. How many dogs do you have?
What is it with you and Hot Dogs?

40. Does someone have a crush on you?
If they do LET YOURSELF BE KNOWN (unless your name is like Dave ... then let's just keep that to yourself, thanks)

41. What is your favorite book?
Wally Lamb "She's Come Undone" (I know CHICK READ, but it was in the bathroom, I started reading it and got hooked, what can I tell ya?)

42. What is your favorite candy?
Holy SHIAT only 2 questions left!!! Yeah uhm, Kit Kat ... next question....

43. Favorite Sports Team?
I know womens jello wrestling isn't considered a REAL sport but it SHOULD be ... I'm going with PATS!

44. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Love & Rockets "I'm So Alive"

Ahhh ... Spring time and ... LEAVES???

So spring has sprung and all the snow is gone. As I looked out over the backyard yesterday I sat back and thought to myself "Shit, I never did finish raking those leaves". And that lead me to wonder why we call them leaves. I mean they never really LEAVE unless you rake them up and get rid of them! This of course led me to start pondering other questions that have spent time bouncing around my head, like why do we call them buildings when they are all ready built! (thank Gallagher for planting that question in my head).

Many moons ago I was walking in Washington D.C. with my sister amongst hundreds of pigeons and she asked me where pigeons came from. At first I chuckled because she can be a little ditsy at times (sorry sis) but then I got to thinking about it ... where do pigeons come from ... I mean, you NEVER see a baby pigeon! You may have never thought about this before (because I know I hadn't until my sister asked the question) but I bet you are now! See how that happens, someone plants a thought and BOOM, like an STD on Paris Hilton, it just stays with ya!

Thank God for the internet, or was it Al Gore that I need to thank for the internet? Either way I have spent many hours researching stupid questions. OK, not many hours, but I have spent some time on it (of course I was amazed at first that there was more on the internet then just porn ... there's like useful shit on there too!).

(NOTE: I must confess that all of my research is really just a Google search. If Google had been around when I was in school I would have been a much better student ... do you know how many reports I had to buy in my 6 years of high school?)

So after some in depth Google research I figured out why we never see baby pigeons ... because they're freaking UGLY! No really ... LOOK!

OK I will admit that they do kind of grow on you in an E.T. / Chelsea Clinton kind of way, but I can still understand why their moms would want to hide them for a bit.

The truth is that pigeons grow really fast. Although they LOOK all grown up they are still just little kids. (Holy shit, maybe I'm a pigeon!)

So there is your lesson on pigeons, or as much of a lesson as you're going to get here. After all, I'm not the Discovery Channel.

I know this post didn't amount to much but it did serve a purpose. Last years leaves get to hang out in the backyard at least one more day!

The Dunkin Doorman!

I had some time to kill the other day and decided to go for a walk around the Commons and Newbury Street. As I left the Commons I decided I wanted a coffee so I started my venture up Boylston to look for a Dunks. I had to pass about 324 Starbucks before I finally got to a Dunks. I refuse to go to Starbucks (or "The Bucks" as some like to call it) because you can't order a just a regular coffee flavored coffee without the little shit behind the counter looking at you like you just dope slapped his 80 year-old grandmother in the mouth.

The walk up Boylston was quite interesting...
I ran into some protesters outside of the Bank of America. They were protesting the bank because it was foreclosing on homes and ... ok, I gotta be honest and say I don't really know why the hell they were protesting but they were really pissed off at the bank.
It was right then that I remembered that back in 1989ish this same bank had repossessed my truck, the bastards! (granted I WAS behind in my payments, but still) So I decided I too was REALLY pissed off at this bank and I jumped in line and walked the protest walk for a few loops, chanting something that I can't remember. After about 15 minutes (honestly it was more like 2 minutes) I remembered my original mission of finding a Dunks, so it was out of the circle and down the street I went. Yeah, I guess I'm not a real dedicated protester ... but then again it's hard to protest with A.D.D. It goes like this - "Hell no we won't ... hey look a grasshopper".

Off to find a Dunks I went, and find one I did. Out in front of the Dunks was this scrubby looking lady with long stringy hair and 2 teeth in her mouth. She was opening the door for people as they went in and out ... in training for the Taj I think. As I was walking in she started talking to this guy that was coming out, why he actually stopped and engaged her I'm not sure but it didn't end well for him. When I came walking out the scrubby, stringy haired lady who, just moments before, was opening doors for people was now screaming at the fore mentioned patron of Dunks. Now I hate to miss a good show so I had to slip to the side so I could kick back and watch whatever form of mayhem was about to unfold before my very eyes ... right here on Boylston street.

TALE OF THE TAPE ... a 5'2" meth junky with a mouth on her that would make Lisa Lampinelli blush ... Up against some wingtip wearing, Republican looking, "I'm-better-than-you" smug-type asshole. I put all my money on Methy Martha ... she was pissed.

To be honest I have NO idea what she was yelling, she wasn't even making sense, but she was giving it her all and it was at the top of her lungs - even the guy playing the plastic Tupperware bowls on the corner stopped playing to have a looksy.

Wingtip Willy is now just trying to get away but Methy Martha isn't having any of it ... she's right in tow! Now we have a traveling road show! I stroll along, far enough behind so Methy Marths doesn't change her focus to me but close enough so I won't miss a minute of the action ... this is getting good! Wingtip is now on his cell, Methy is ranting and raving about ostriches and pineapples (told ya she wasn't making sense). And me? I'm sipping coffee taking it all in! I'm not sure who the buzz-killer was, but someone called the cops. They role up and my free traveling road show comes to an abrupt end just as quick as it started. You think Wingtip Willy will talk to any more "Dunkin Doormen"?

I walked away finishing my coffee and thinking to myself "Geesh, if only Methy Martha had made it one more block. The protesters could have used her vocal ability".

Wow, I'm BLOGGING!!!

OK, so I'm sitting around the hospital with my dad and was trying to figure out something to do that would help pass the time BESIDES playing with all buttons on the machines (which, by the way, WILL get you yelled at by the nursing staff). And it hit me like Chris Brown (sorry, too soon?) ... A BLOG! I can sit and write down all the crazy shit that runs through my head as I sit here looking out the window at the world below ... so here I am!

I'm not an English Major and, as I recently found out from a certain TV show, I am NOT smarter than a 5th grader. So don't expect perfect grammar (or even close to good grammar) and if I were you I'd toss in the towel on spelling as well ... so there, you have been forewarned!

ENJOY