I HATE clothes shopping ... no I mean I REALLY HATE CLOTHES SHOPPING! But I do have valid reasons! Now I wouldn't want to be misunderstood as one of those people who hate things just to hate things. I generally don't hate much, there are many things I am simply not fond of - like artichokes and John Tesh, oddly enough they both make my stomach turn - but shopping I can honestly say I HATE.
Reason number 1: I absolutely suck at making decisions. I have got to be the most indecisive person I have ever met ... I think, well maybe not ...
Reason number 2: As much as I suck at making decisions I suck even MORE at matching ... what goes with what?
When I was a kid I had Garanimals and that made life so much easier. Elephants went with elephants, giraffes went with giraffes and whales went with whales. That was EASY for me, I knew never to leave the house with an elephant on my chest and a giraffe on my ass ... Whales don't play with donkeys and grasshoppers don't jive with lions! Ahhh, simpler times my friend, simpler times!
In case you don't know, they don't make Garanimals for adults or even teenagers. In fact it says it right in their name: "Garanamals: Clothing for Kids". As a teenager I had mannequin's to help me shop. The stores had them everywhere and they all had clothes on that matched! I would find a mannequin that I thought looked cool (most likely wearing "Z Cavaricci" pants and maybe a "Polo" shirt ... am I dating myself here???) and then I would go find the exact same clothes in my size and I was done. Five minutes in the store and I had, what I guess woman call, "an outfit" ... see you later, BYE! But yes sadly enough even the mannequins went away eventually. I imagine a big field somewhere with a bunch of naked plastic people. Some missing an arm or their legs, maybe a few without heads or a right hand ... just waiting for their big comeback!
Kind of a funny image isn't it?
Back in the day it was simple ... if you saw a well dressed guy he was either married or he was gay! There was no bullshit about it because straight, heterosexual guys couldn't match clothes and we had NO FRIGGIN' IDEA what mauve was. But now all that has changed ... now we have guys who can match clothes, and they not only know what mauve is BUT they can tell the difference between mauve and fuchsia AND they're into woman!
I didn't get the "metrosexual" gene. I'm into woman but I still can't match and the whole mauve versus fuchsia shit ... sorry, it's all PINK to me! But I'm a divorced, single guy who needs to wear clothes and therefore I need to go shopping for said clothes.
How hard could it be for a guy to find a matching outfit? Remember how long it took us to find the clitoris? And that had books with maps to it! There's no little guy in a canoe at Old Navy my friend ... you are on your own!
Now I've been a jeans and T-shirt guy for years. It is simple and easy and EVERYTHING always matched. But I'm getting older and I decided I should start dressing a little more "grown-up" ... not polyester pants pulled up so far my balls actually make camel tows "grown-up", but something other then Levi's and Red Sox shirts. So off to the mall I went ... alone!
I made the decision on my way to the mall the easiest thing for me to do would be to find a sales person and have them help me pick some shit out. I figure if they work around clothes then they must be able to match, right? Let me answer THAT question with this question ... do you think the 16 year old kid bagging your groceries knows how to cook? I think that sums it up, don't you?
First of all stores don't have "sales" people any more. Sure there are people who work there walking around straightening shit up, but the good old days of "can I help you find anything" are gone! Maybe they figured once we found the little guy in the canoe we could find anything ... I don't know! OH, and the proper term is now "associate" ... the people you see who work at the store are now called "associates" ... it says so right on their name tags.
The first "associate" I came across I think needed more help then I did. I can't match but I know when something doesn't look good and believe me this didn't look good. Then I noticed a male "associate" ... oooh, maybe one of these "Metrosexuals" I keep hearing about.
I approach him and lay my cards on the table. I explain my situation and my inability to match ... I even went so far as to make a joke about Garanimals. That's when he rolled his eyes at me, clasped his hands in front of his chest and said "You need some help sweety ... Let me see if I can help you coordinate a fabulous ensemble ... we are going to do some shopping". He then pranced, he didn't walk he pranced, over to the men's department. I wasn't sure what he meant by ensemble but I figured as gay as he was he could put together one hell of an outfit!
Now we are standing in the middle of men's and my "helper" has one hand on his hip and his other hand tapping his lip and it hit ... I just became Tinkerbell's project! I have become an episode of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"
TO BE CONTINUED ...
PART TWO COMING SOON!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment