Internet Dating has made me a puppy!

I was married for 3 happy months ... my marriage actually lasted 7 years but if you add up all the happy times it comes out to only about 3 months. I've been divorced now for almost 3 years and except for a few short "relationships" I have been single the entire time. I have actually enjoyed my singleness but much like myself, it's getting old.

I have never been very good at picking up woman. Most of my relationships have been with woman I met through friends or they actually picked me up. I met my ex-wife because my buddy had a crush on her and in using me to pick her up he inadvertently hooked us up and we hit it off (for the night). He never forgave me for stealing her away ... and I'll never forgive him for letting me!

So here I am now, single and sick of it ... it's time to start looking.

Let's do the math on this one ... Married for 7 years and single now for almost 3 ... that's almost 10 years of being out of the dating game! I have no idea where to even start! I can't meet women through my friends any more because now all my friends are married ... and guess what? Married people hang out with MARRIED PEOPLE! Again I will remind you that I suck at picking woman up ... so the singles bar type thing is out of the question.

I like to research things, you know Google shit! So I Google "Where to pick up woman" ... apparently WHERE is interchangeable with HOW because I got about 2,000 results for HOW TO PICK UP WOMAN and how to be a "Playa". OK, First of all I can't be a "Playa" if I don't know WHERE you are playing the game and second of all I can't be a "Playa" if I don't know HOW to play the friggin game!

Then I Google "Where to MEET woman" (side note: "Where to MEAT woman" will bring up an entirely different set of results!). This search was a little more useful ... or so I thought until I got to "Laundromat". There was an entire article about meeting single ladies at laundromats. The article suggested you hang out and scope out the "scene" so you can learn what type of woman use the laundromat. Right off I'm going to guess it will be woman with dirty clothes! WTF ... so I am suppose to just hang out at a laundromat scoping out woman? There ARE guys that do this type of thing ... they are the same guys who steal your dirty panties and do nasty things with them in the bathroom! Sorry, but the laundromat is out the window ... NEXT!

I am having no luck with my Google search. In fact most of the "articles" I'm finding are written by men ... men who have time to write articles about where to meet woman. Single men have time to write articles about where to meet woman ... men in happy relationships don't have time to write articles about where to meet woman! Get my point? NO? Let me put it this way ... I'm not going to take dental advice from a dentist with no teeth ... get it? GOOD!

This was the point I decided to take a friends suggestion and check out the "internet" dating thing. I have heard horror stories about it just like you have but I thought "Nah, it can't be that bad, right?" ... Well, yes it actually CAN be that bad!

I checked out a few sites and even ventured to craigslist (which I now honestly believe to be the on-line version of laundromats) and let me tell you ... there are some fucked up people in this world! I spent about an hour reading some ads and after that my first thought was "I bet being a Priest is very rewarding" ... I'm not Catholic so my Priesthood days would never become reality. Besides, from what I remember about it ... I actually enjoy sex!

I should mention that these are the "FREE" sites ... the "PAY" sites must have better quality people, right?

Let's start with ... well I don't want to mention any names but it rhymes with Match.com! They have a great offer ... if you don't find someone in 6 months the next 6 months are FREE! How cool is THAT? I can spend another 6 months getting rejected and I won't even have to pay for it ... AWESOME! So pretty much they'll confirm that you are either too picky or just a complete loser for free, now that's one hell of a service they're providing don'tcha think?

One thing about the site that rhymes with Match.com is that you can look at the profiles for free, you only have to join if you see someone you like. I decided to give this a shot. Yes it was FREE, but you had to pay to meet the people so maybe they wouldn't be as crazy ... maybe!

HOLY SHIT! If you are looking for an "honest, fun, easy to get along with, sick of games type person that their friends call loyal" ... then this is the place for you because just about EVERY ad I read said that. This is where they all hang out ... spank my ass and call me Barney!!! (Which, by the way, was the title of one of the ads on craigslist ... I just couldn't figure out if they meant Barney Frank or the big purple dinosaur).

Moving on I come across Chemistry.com ... hmmm, let's try this. After all I always liked science! This site asks you questions and you answer them in essay form. In case you are wondering how I do answering questions may I direct your attention to 44 ODD THINGS ABOUT ME or MY BUCKET LIST ... I knew right away this wasn't going to end well!

Question: Who would you like to meet? Are you kidding me? REALLY?
OK ... here was my HONEST answer: When I was about 22 years old my apartment got broken in to ... I was 22 years old and survived on Mac 'N Cheese and Ramon Noodles. I want to meet the person who broke into my apartment ... just so I can slap them upside the head and ask them what the HELL they were thinking! If you're going to break into an apartment go for the guy that's got shit to steal!

At some point in this Chemistry.com survey it requires you to write a little blurb about yourself. I say "requires" because you can not see your chemically selected matches until you type at least 200 words. This took me back ... back to elementary school. Any time I did anything wrong in elementary school the teachers always made me write a 500 word essay on why I shouldn't have done whatever it was I did. I wrote a LOT of these little essays (hard to believe I know) ... mind you it was a 500 word essay! I can not tell you how very, very, very, very, very sorry I was all the time! (See, every "very" counts as a word ... get it?)

Now I am writing this 200 word blurb for a Chemistry.com guru, or some shit like that, and of course I was very, very, very, very, very excited to meet new people! Yeah, this wasn't going to work ... let's try something else!

So I decide I'll start typing my traits (I'm loyal), the good qualities about me (I like to cuddle), my looks (I'm cute), my likes (I like to be out doors), my personality (I like to make people smile) ... and there it was ... I'm a fucking puppy! Yup, I'm either going to make a good boyfriend or a great puppy! There has to be an easier way.

I had seen an ad on TV about another dating site that was offering a "free communications weekend". Now I don't want to mention eharmony.com by name so I won't but I did try their site. This one is a little different than match and chemistry. This one is like an SAT!!! I just wrote a 200 word essay, drank a beer and now you want me to take an SAT type test? Shit, give me a dime bag of weed and I'm back in High School!

I spent about 35 minutes marking off the eharmony SAT type questions ... I strongly agreed and I strongly disagreed on a bunch of shit that I really didn't care about. But hey, the TV ad says they match you with compatible people so it just might be worth it! I finish up their little test and click the "See Your Matches" button ... ooooh I could feel the excitement growing. With just one click of this little button there she will be ... the woman of my dreams! I take a big breath and click the button and BAM!

Sorry, we have no matches for you at this time.

Are you kidding me? Eharmony has nothing for me? Look I'm not being too picky here ... give me something, throw me a bone ... shit, again with the puppy thing.

So eharmony is out and I'm beginning to think the whole Internet Dating thing might be a wash.

I did see something about something called "Speed Dating" (A.D.D. dating is what I call it) and it sounded interesting. Basically you spend about 3 minutes with each person and then at the end of the night you see if there was any connections. But I do have my concerns ... I can disappoint a lady in 30 seconds, I don't know what the hell I'll do with the other 2 1/2 minutes ... but I think I actually have to keep my clothes on for this so who knows.

To Be Continued (at some point) . . .