Inspiration comes in all shapes and sizes ... no really, it does!

I’d like to say that I had some great epiphany that inspired me to finally, after all this time, update my blog.  But I can’t.  I have to be honest and say the inspiration came from bird shit!  That’s right; bird poo has been an inspiration to me.  Let that sink in a moment.

When I was leaving the house this morning I noticed that a bird had pooped on my car.  It wasn’t really a stroke of great detective work; after all it was all over my driver’s door.  But it got me thinking, which in itself is something any psychiatrist would agree is odd, and when I start thinking it has a tendency to take my mind places it probably should never go.  I can get to thinking about world peace and end up at chickens … with really no idea HOW I ended up at chicken.  But I digress…

According to an old wives tale (which gets me thinking, do they mean an old wife said it or the tale itself is old?  See how that happens?) When a bird poos on your vehicle it is good luck.  Now I would think right off the bat that it would be good luck for the bird, but they mean it’s good luck for the driver of the vehicle.  Doesn’t make much sense does it?  Apply that thought to life in general.  If I jumped up on somebody’s car, dropped my drawers, and pooed; I don’t see that ending in either of us feeling “lucky” … but if a bird does it?  Who came up with this and how did it become “a thing”?

Off to Google I went.  And as a Public Service Announcement I should mention that if you feel the need to Google “Bird pooing” make sure your SAFE SEARCH is on, but that should really go without saying.  According to what I was able to find on the vast information super highway (do they even call it that anymore?) here is the origin of the bird poo superstition:

                Many people the world over believe that if a bird lets loose on you, then good things are coming your way. One idea is that it's a sign of major wealth coming from heaven, based on the belief that when you suffer an inconvenience (albeit a pretty gross one), you'll have good fortune in return.

So it seems it’s the old “Ying and Yang” thing … out of something bad, comes something good.  Now it doesn’t say WHEN this originated, but I’m going to guess it was during a time when there was a very high population of birds … and I mean A LOT of pooing birds.  It had to be a time in this world where things were bad, and I mean REAL bad, like black plague bad.  I mean how bad could your life be that getting shit on would mean things were going to start looking up?  “I just lost my job, my wife left me, and my house burned down … but a bird just shit on me, so there’s that!”  Look, I play golf, a game where you take a small ball and try to hit it into a small hole 400 yards away, so  I get the gist of dumb ideas becoming a “thing”.  I just would have loved to have been there when the first person got pooed on and someone was able to convince him it was a sign of good luck.  Say what you want, but that’s one good salesman right there.

As I always do, while “researching” the bird poo theory I got side-tracked and began looking at the origins of other old wives tales.  When I was a little kid I could always remember my Grandmother saying that if you stepped on a Spider, it would rain.  I also remember her saying “Charlie, get off the f&%king counter” … Charlie was her cat, not my grandfather.  So I Googled that (the spider thing, not the cat thing).  Turns out this IS a “thing” too, and if you read up on it you will find other spider related tales.

For Example:

-When spiders are many and spinning their webs, the spell will soon be very dry. (this one here doesn’t even rhyme, so questions its legitimacy)

-An old saying about grass spiders: when there is dew on their webs in the lawn in the morning, it will be a beautiful day. (Not many good poet “Tale” writers it seems)

-When spiders spin their webs 'fore noon, Sunny weather's coming soon. (FINALLY, one that flows!)

-In winter, if spiders actively weave their webs, run backwards and forwards, fight with each other and hang on new threads, it means that there will be a cold spell in nine to ten days. (I have given up on my rhyming theory at this point)

-In summer, if spiders build new webs or restore old ones, this forecasts a change to better weather. "doing the spiders' best" means a fine weather.

So with these lessons learned I now have to ask the question “Why do we have all these meteorologists who never get the weather right?  Let’s fire their asses and just put a bunch of spiders around the world and just watch what THEY do?”  I mean really, they couldn't be any worse, right?

Ahhh, but hold on young grasshopper.  The spider is also a sign of luck, both good and bad!

-All spiders except tarantulas are omens of good luck. The larger the spider, the bigger the rewards. 

(Unless you find it in the morning apparently … keep reading).

            -Finding a spider in the morning – Sorrow

And then I found this little nugget:

Kill a spider, bad luck yours will be
Until of flies you've swatted fifty-three.

OK, I just put that one there because it rhymes!

Looking back, I realize this post doesn't really teach us anything, but it did keep me looking busy at work for a little bit … so there’s that!

As far as a bird pooing on your car being good luck?  I can’t say we got to the bottom of that great mystery; but after giving it a little thought, I can say, with almost 100% certainty, that the person who DID come up with that may not have been wise, may not have been old, but certainly was lazy!

“Hey a bird just shit on your car, you going to wash it off?”

“Nah, it’s good luck!”

(Oh, I also learned that Microsoft Word does not recognize poo, pooing, pooed, or pooping as properly spelled words and had I NOT turned off auto-correct, this entire post would have been about pogoing.)

From my Soapbox ... this will just be a minute!

I usually keep my blog post pretty light-hearted and not too controversial. I am going to try and do the same with this one … BUT I GOTTA VENT!!!

I see on the news that a Governor from a state I won’t mention (but it rhymes with Rhode Island) thinks that we should now call it a HOLIDAY TREE. Are you kidding me? Hey ding-dong, we call it a Christmas Tree because it’s a DECORATION for Christmas! A HOLIDAY tree would be something you get for any holiday … c’mon kids, get in the car we’re going to cut down our Independence Day Tree! I think not Gov’ner!

Now before anyone jumps down my throat and argues the whole “separation of church and state” let me say this… On December 25th you don’t get your mail delivered, the state offices are closed and anything “governmental” is shut down. So you can take your “separation of church and state” argument and toss that right out the window. Yes, December 25th is the celebration of Baby Jesus’ birth, but from all of my Sunday school classes I learned Mary was visited by three wise men … nothing about a fat guy in a red suit with reindeers! Religion has been so far removed from the Christmas celebration; which in itself is disturbing to some people but I have to pick my battles here. What Santa and Rudolph have to do with the birth of Baby Jesus makes about as much sense to me as what a bunny hiding eggs has to do with celebrating his resurrection!

I went to high school in a predominately Jewish town, because of that we got all of the Jewish holidays off from school. Was it because the Jewish people wanted us to celebrate their days and conform to their religious beliefs? Nope, it was simple math … MOST of the students wouldn’t be in school due to the fact they were celebrating their Jewish holidays Sooooooo, they closed the schools! Was I offended as a non-Jewish person, being forced to take a day off for something that didn’t pertain to me? Uhm, NO … it was an extra day off people! When my Jewish friends would say to each other “Happy Hanukkah” did it make me uncomfortable? Nope… in fact I am sure I uttered those same exact words to many of my Jewish friends. To be honest I’m not even fully clear on the meaning behind Hanukkah, but why should that stop me from wishing my friends who did understand Hanukkah a happy one?

Now I am not saying it’s the Jewish people behind the “Holiday” tree thing … I don’t think my Christmas Tree offends any Jewish person nor does their Menorah offend me. No it’s not the religious people complaining … it’s the people that just need to bitch about something complaining. These are the same people who believe every kid should get a trophy in Tee-Ball. Our world has become to “mushy-mushy let’s all sit by a fire and sing Kumbaya”… oops, wait … that’s a religious song huh? Wow, how insensitive of me! I say bullshit, stop giving every kid a trophy!

I played sports as a kid. I played baseball, soccer, basketball, hockey and football. Hell, I even wrestled in High School. But do you know where I spent most of my time during these “sporting years”? On the bench! Why? Because I sucked for the most part! I played Little League baseball and I was afraid of the ball; makes it very difficult to hit or catch the thing if you close your eyes every time it comes within 2 feet of you! Soccer I played when I was really young and running around the grass after a little white ball just never appealed to me (until I started playing golf, but that’s different, I can drink now!). Basketball I played during middle school. Let me just say I was 5’4” until sophomore year in High School … now you know why I sucked at Basketball. Hockey was a High School sport I played but at the time in my life I was more interested in hitting people… I had the checking down but the puck handling and skating backwards I just didn’t have a knack for. I ended most seasons with more individual penalties than I did individual points! Football I was actually pretty good at and wrestling was the perfect outlet for me… I actually combined the two sports during my last football game! What’s this got to do with anything? Nothing really, except for the fact that with all the sports I played I never got a trophy … and I was OK with that!

Oh, and since we are on the topic of sports for a second I would like to add that if I was running towards the end zone about to score the winning touchdown … you can bet your yellow flag throwing, “don’t taunt the other team” preaching, Mr. “I don’t know how to use my common sense” refereeing ass I’m throwing my hand up in the air! I think that kid should have just told the ref he was so excited he was going to score that he started to piss himself and out of habit he just raised his hand to ask for a bathroom pass!

But I digress…

The point I’m trying to make here is that, as a society, we have become too soft. We spend all this time and energy trying to make everyone happy and feel accepted. That’s not reality folks. Reality is this country is a melting pot with a wide array of people who all have their own thoughts and beliefs. Some are widely popular, others not so much. That doesn’t mean one is right and the other is wrong, it just means we think differently! If it offends you that we are lighting the lights on a Christmas tree … don’t come to the tree lighting, stay home, I won’t be offended! But please, for all things that exist, stop with this Politically Correct bullshit already, will ya? I can’t keep up with it any more.

It’s 2011 and I’m not sure if I should refer to my buddy as a black guy or African American or is he a person of color?!?! I have an Irish name but I am actually Italian … should I refer to myself as an Italian American with Irish influences? Wait, actually maybe I should say I am an Italian NORTH American with Irish influences. Don’t want to offend anyone in South America. But wait, what if I moved to South America and became a citizen and had kids? They would be an Italian-North American-with Irish influences-South American, right?

Let’s do this, let’s make things simple for everyone … how about you just pay attention to what matters to you! If my Christmas Tree offends you don’t look at it! If me wishing someone a Merry Christmas offends you, don’t listen to my conversation! If it offends you that I call you black then tell me what it is you would like to be referred to as BUT STOP CHANGING IT! If I accidentally refer to you as Puerto Rican only to find out you are actually Dominican, Sorry! That’s an honest mistake and there is a good chance I will make it again! The same goes for any Chinese, Japanese or Koreans. I’m not being insensitive I just can’t keep up with all of the politically correct bullshit that is constantly changing!

Oh, and if your kid sucks at sports don’t be pissed they didn’t get a trophy. Use that opportunity to teach them that if they want something in life they have to WORK AT IT! Maybe even explain to them that not everything is for everyone. Maybe sports just ain’t their thing! And if your kid IS good at sports and wants to celebrate the fact they just got the winning touchdown, then let them throw their hands up in the air (even let them say “AY-O” if they want too!), let them know that it’s OK for them to be proud of their accomplishments. Sure, there will be kids that are sad because they lost … but if they don’t suffer the agony of defeat they will never truly enjoy the thrill of victory.

The kids I went to High School with had their Menorahs and I had my Christmas Tree and we all got along just fine. So please, stop giving all the kids a trophy, let my Jewish friends celebrate with their Menorah, my black-Africa-American-People of Color Friends celebrate Kwanzaa if they chose and let me enjoy my Christmas Tree. You? You go out and have the best of whatever it is you chose to celebrate!

Merry Christmas!

Old dog ... and awkward moments!

Have you ever heard someone ask the question “Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?”… Of course you have! But I honestly think no one has ever actually SAID that because, although I have heard the question asked many times, I have never heard anyone have an answer.

You actually CAN teach an old dog new tricks … if by old you mean early 40’s and if by dog you mean ME. I continue to learn new things every day. Some I am even fortunate enough to learn the easy way, but most … well most come the hard way. As I sit here listening to the rain come down I decided to sit down and share some of the lessons I have learned and, more importantly, HOW I learned them … enjoy!

Anyone who has ever worked “on the road” knows that one of the most important aspects of your job is to know where the cleanest and easiest accessible public bathrooms are located. If you tend to work in one general area you will know where most of them are and no doubt you will find one that becomes your favorite. I had one of those, a favorite public bathroom.

This location was centrally located, always clean and had plenty of stalls so there was never a wait … important characteristics in the world of public bathrooms. I can honestly say I actually learned many a lesson in this restroom; like YES, .63 cents is enough for some people to come back and knock on an occupied stall door to retrieve … but that is another story for another blog. Today I want to share with you the day I learned a bunch of new things in just one “sitting”.

It was mid-day and I had just finished a good lunch. Now it was time to pick up the newspaper and rest … hey, they call it a restroom, right? Now as I sat there reading the paper it happened … the lights went out! So here is a list of things I learned that fateful day:
1. The motion activated light switch in this particular bathroom shuts off after 15 minutes of motionless.
2. Public bathrooms become VERY dark when the lights go out on you.
3. It is impossible to throw enough toilet paper over the wall to try and re-activate a motion detecting light switch, crumpled up newspaper doesn’t work either.
4. When a complete stranger walks into said restroom, thus activating motion detecting light switch, and sees a bunch of toilet paper and newspaper strewn all over the floor then hears me exclaim, from the end stall, “Oh, thank God” … well, this will always lead up to an awkward moment!


Let’s move on to another lesson learning adventure shall we? Working in a customer’s home one day with a fellow co-worker and in order to get to where we needed to get we had to navigate around these porcelain statues the customer had all over the room. As my co-worker was attempting to squeeze into this one spot he accidentally bumped into one of these statues. This one was in a glass case, stood about 3 feet tall, was dressed in a red robe and had a white face with bright red cheeks. As I lunged to catch it from falling I yelled out “Watch out, don’t knock over the clown!” This is the day I learned that there is a religion that actually has a God that happens to look like a clown, and I also learned that when you call someone’s God a clown, they become very irate. Which I can understand, because I see it as the equivalent to someone seeing a picture of Jesus on your wall and asking “Hey, who’s the hippie?” … again, another awkward moment!

One trend I see in my life is that often speak before I think. Like the day I had a customer ask me if I could move her TV for her. I explained that my company did not allow that and if I was to move the TV and it broke I would personally be responsible for it, a risk I wasn’t willing to take. I then went out to my truck to grab some tools and when I came back into her apartment she was carrying the TV into the living room. Being the concerned individual that I am I said “You shouldn’t be carrying a TV when you are pregnant” … anyone want to guess this lesson learned? Yeah, never, ever, never assume a woman is pregnant! Unless she actually says to you “I am pregnant” just assume she is fat and keep your mouth shut. Oh, what happened next? Awkward moment!

As I think I have demonstrated in the above stories; you can teach an old dog new tricks … but 9 times out of 10 the lesson will end in an awkward moment!

Turning 40 ... and my tickle spot!

This morning I had to go for an Eco-Cardiogram and as I sat in the waiting room I began to reflect on how much my doctor visits have changed in the last two years. So I think it’s only fair that I start this post with a warning: IF YOU ARE A MALE UNDER 40 THERE MAY BE THINGS IN THIS POST YOU FIND SHOCKING AND MAYBE EVEN DISTURBING! If you are a male over 40 then you know damn well what I am about to talk about is TRUTH! If you are a woman of any age you may be pissed off once you realize how easy we actually have it at the doctor’s office.

When it comes to the doctors guys have it easy. Really the worst thing we have to deal with at any exam is the “turn and cough” routine. Other than that it’s the usual breath sounds, blood pressure, pulse and the pressing on the stomach. OK, I will admit I am VERY ticklish and the stomach thing always gets me, very embarrassing when I start giggling during an exam. But there it is … that is the extent of our physicals. UNTIL WE TURN 40!

At age 40 is when the doctors want to start poking and probing around other areas of your body. They call it “preventive measures” … which I think is so ironic because for the past 40 years I’ve been preventing that very area from being poked or probed by anything!

Now before you start to call me immature let me remind you; I STILL GIGGLE WHEN THE DOCTOR PRESSES ON MY BELLY. I know that because the first time a doctor pressed on my belly I giggled. THAT’S how I found out about THAT tickle spot … This isn’t the time in my life I want to find out I have “another tickle spot” … I can’t imagine me starting to giggle at that particular time would sit well with my doctor.

OH, here’s a “The more you know” moment for the younger readers: If your current doctor is a big guy and has hands like and NFL linebacker … get a new doctor before you turn 40! (Insert NBC’s jingle “The more you know…” here). You are Welcome!

Now some people may say I got lucky because when I went for my exam the doctor decided it would be best for me to have a colonoscopy due to some issues I was having with my stomach. So in lieu of the poking and probing, he was going to send me for a colonoscopy. That triggered some mixed emotions for me. It was like watching my ex-wife drive off a cliff in my brand new BMW… I was relieved yet sickened at the same time!

If you have ever had a colonoscopy then you know the worst thing about a colonoscopy is the PREP. If you have never had a colonoscopy then you should know the worst thing about a colonoscopy is listening to people who have had a colonoscopy tell you about how awful the prep is going to be for you. In short? IT SUCKS! Let me explain…

First you have to drink this disgusting mixture of water and what I can only describe as CHAULK! Then? Well then the fun begins! When I had to drink my mixture I had a good friend standing next to me yelling “drink, drink, drink”. This is funny, because 20 years ago he was more than likely standing beside me screaming the same thing as I chugged a bottle of Tequila. Chugging a bottle of Tequila and chugging a bottle of “the drink” both have the same end result … they just come from opposite ends!

The doctor that performs the colonoscopy is called a Proctologist. As I was waiting for my procedure to begin I started to wonder … who goes to medical school and says “I wanna look at butts all day”? Not to offend anyone, but my guess is a Proctologist is the guy who was just about to fail out of med school and the school said “Hey wait … we need a butt specialist”! But I digress…

Yes, the prep is the worst thing about a colonoscopy. See, when you have a colonoscopy performed they knock you out. I remember lying on the bed and the nurse saying “OK, we are going to go to sleep now” and I said “I really think one of us should stay awake” … and that was the last thing I remember. Next thing I knew I was laying in a recovery room with a nurse standing over me saying “OK Mr. Lynch, all set … I just need you to pass gas and then you can go home”.

Passing gas is something I have never had a problem doing … I’ve just never been able to do it on demand and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to start now. It was time for me to use a skill I perfected in middle school. As soon as the nurse stepped outside the curtain I stuck my right hand into my left arm pit and LET IT RIP! I wasn’t standing on an aircraft carrier or nothing, but I felt like I had a banner over my head that read “Mission Accomplished” … it was time for me to go home!

From what I understand I am free and clear from any poking and probing for another 10 years and my Eco was painless. If you’ve never had one of those it’s just like an ultrasound they give a pregnant lady, except of your heart. The pictures are pretty neat too. I actually asked for a copy of one … I want to send it to my ex-wife, for years she told me I didn’t have a heart and now I had medical proof I DO!

My Brain Defrag Post!

They say a brain is like a computer … or is a computer like a brain? Either way, they are alike. So this morning when I walked into the kitchen and couldn’t remember what the hell I had gone in there for I decided it must be time to defrag! You know when your computer gets bogged down with files you don’t use any more and it starts to run slow? You delete files you no longer need and then let the computer “reorganize” itself. I decided it was time to do that with the old noggin.

I know a lot of stuff, admittedly, most is useless information. And although the useless stuff is interesting to throw out at parties I believe it’s taking up space needed for useful information; like what the hell I went in the kitchen for this morning. So in my infinite wisdom I decided if I wrote down some useless information, stored it on the information super highway, I wouldn’t need to remember it any more. I could let it go and free up some memory space. Not sure it will work, but what the hell!

I have always been a fan of “phrase origins”; you know, why we say the things we say. For instance, way back in the day they had a tendency to bury people who were still alive. Now I can only assume it was by accident, but it was a common occurrence. So what they used to do was run a string down to the body in the grave. Above ground that string was then attached to a bell. If the “dead” person woke up they would simply pull the string, which would ring the bell and let everyone know they were still alive and needed to be dug up. These people became known as “Dead ringers”. It was also someone’s job to sit in the cemetery all night listening for the bells … it was called the “graveyard shift”.

When I was younger I worked as a tour guide at the House of Seven Gables in Salem, MA. It honestly was one of the best summer jobs I ever had. I even played Nathaniel Hawthorne during the Haunted Happenings for Halloween. Back then I had to put powder in my hair to make it look gray … now? Not so much, it’s all natural!

Working at the Gables I got to meet a lot of interesting people and also got to learn a lot of interesting “phrase origins”. I have been holding onto this information far too long and I think I need the space in my brain, so it’s time to write them down and let them go … careful, you may learn something here!

Back in the Hawthorne days beds had ropes that held the mattress up. These ropes would become loose over time and you needed to tighten them. You would then use what they called a bed key to tighten the ropes... that is why we “Sleep tight”. Also, people would gather leaves, grass clippings and other yard waste materials to make their mattresses. Of course these all had bugs in them as well, so it’s best to advise someone to “Sleep tight and don’t let the bed bugs bite”.

Have you ever referred to something or someone as being “dead as a door nail”? You can thank the rich people from the 1800’s! Nails were very expensive back then so if someone wanted to show how wealthy they were they would pound nails into their front doors. The more nails, the more money they had. Of course poor people couldn’t afford nails so at night they would go around to all the rich people’s homes and steal the nails from the front doors. To prevent this from happening, the rich people would pound the nail half way in and then bend it over into the surface of the door. Now the nail was virtually useless … and considered DEAD.

Oh, and speaking of poor people … when nature called they had to run out to the outhouse, even in the middle of January. Rich people could afford to have a “chamber pot” that was stored under the bed. When nature called for them they simply slid it out, answered nature’s call, and slid it back under the bed until morning. Poor people would have to face the elements and trek to the outhouse because they couldn’t afford “a pot to piss in”. Rich people could also afford to put a second floor on their homes, and that’s where the bedrooms were. So in the morning the youngest child or servant whose job it was to empty the pot, would simply open the window and dump the contents out the window. Poor people couldn’t afford that so they didn’t have “a pot to piss in OR a window to throw it out”. I’m not 100% on this one, but I’m pretty sure the phrase “heads up” may have also been coined sometime around this period.

Well, that’s all the “defragging” I have time for right now. And, I’m drawing a blank on other “phrase origins” that I’ve stored in my head. I’m sure they will come to me the next time I am standing in the kitchen asking myself … what the hell did I come out here for!

Drinking ... A true story (or 2)

I like to drink! In fact I am enjoying an ice cold beer as I type this. It’s not a bad thing as I consider myself a responsible drinker. Some people can’t drink… well, they CAN but they shouldn’t! Those are the people that can’t handle their booze, I like to call them amateurs.

I think people that drink get a bad rap in society. For instance if I was to sit down and drink 23 beers in one sitting people would say “he probably has a drinking problem” … BUT, if I was to sit down and eat, say, 23 hotdogs, those same people would give me a crown and call me the National Hotdog eating Champion. So with that being said, I’d like to crown myself the National beer drinking champion. Now I will even go as far to accept anyone’s challenge who wants to un-crown me … I may not win but we’ll have a hell of a time getting there, am I right?

My drink of choice is simple, I’m a beer guy. I drink beer. I don’t mind a nice cocktail every now and then but when I’m gonna get my drink on I stick to beer. I can’t stand wine and actually have no idea how to even buy it … I like to keep things simple and wine just has too many rules and names I can’t pronounce. I used to like to drink shots of tequila but when I’m drinking that I usually ended up fighting or flogging all night, then I got married to my first wife and spent all night fighting about not flogging so I gave up tequila. See, told you I was a responsible drinker!

Also, beer has never really gotten me into any serious trouble or bad situations … can’t say the same for tequila. In fact my 1st marriage was the end result of one too many tequilas! I got drunk one night, asked this girl to CARRY me, she miss understood and thought I said MARRY me… next thing you know I’m walking down the aisle with Satan’s Sister. Since that day me and Jose Cuervo have not been friends!

Now I don’t want to say that beer has not gotten me into some pretty sticky situations … actually I WOULD like to say that, but I’d be lying. But they haven’t been BAD situations, awkward at times sure, but never bad. When I drink beer I become happy … very happy. I tend to tell people how much I love them over and over again. In fact if you ever want me to do something best bet is to ask me when I’ve been drinking, I ALWAYS say yes! I can’t count how many times drunk me has made a promise for sober me that hung-over me would have never agreed too! But really, is there anything better than a happy drunk?

Another thing about me when I drink … I come up with the BEST ideas. Granted, I usually can’t remember most of them the next day, but if I could I am sure I would have been a millionaire by now. With the BEST ideas also come the not-so-best ideas, which unfortunately I seem to have no problem remembering. Let me share a few with you now…

I’m going to guess it was around 1992ish. I went to Florida to visit a friend from High School. We went out drinking, I drank beer and around 1:30 in the morning I decided I wanted to go bungee jumping. Let me remind you this is Florida and YES they have bungee jumping places that are open at 1:30 in the morning, don’t ask me why. I make the announcement that I want to go bungee jumping (another trait I seem to inherit when I’m drinking is I become loud … it’s really hard to say you missed something I said.) Here is how THAT conversation went:
ME: I want to go bungee jumping!
My Buddy: WHAT? WHEN?
ME: Yeah, now! While I have the courage!
My Buddy: Someone just died last week doing that, the bungee snapped!
ME: OK, THAT’s the place I want to go to … I’m going to guess they have the newest bungee in town! But if we get there and they have the thing tied in a knot, I wanna try another place!

Now I don’t know if you have ever been or seen bungee jumping in a city. It’s not like they show on TV, over a nice big body of water and you jump off a bridge. No, it’s over an air mattress and you jump from a crane! Isn’t it amazing what people will do for some excitement? Off to the bungee jumping place we go!

Before you are allowed to jump you have to fill out all these releases and legal paperwork saying you won’t sue them if things go bad. At least I THINK that’s what they said, I really didn’t read them I just signed them and awaited my turn to plunge off a perfectly good crane, strapped to what I was hoping was the newest bungee in town, over an air mattress that looks as if it’s only really going to be good enough to keep my remains located in one general area if something went bad. Then I have this conversation with the guy who works there:
Him: You ever do this before?
ME: You mean people do this twice? WHY?
Him: You afraid of heights?
ME: I was until about 6 beers ago!
Him: Oh, you’ve been drinking?
ME: Hell yeah, no frocking way I’d do this sober!
Him: Oh, you can’t jump if you’ve been drinking.
ME: That’s OK, I don’t really plan on jumping … more like falling!
Him: No, I can’t let you go up there if you have been drinking, you have to be sober!
ME: Serious? C’mon, how sober do you think the first asshole to tie a giant elastic to his ankle and jump off a crane really was?
And that is where my bungee jumping adventure came to an end. There is NO way I would EVER do something like that SOBER, that’s just crazy!

This next story has nothing to do with bungee jumping, but it does involve me climbing up on something. I’m beginning to think I also like to climb when I’ve been drinking. Which really isn’t all that smart … just means I’d have further to fall.

I was on a weekend away in Maine with some friends and of course we went out drinking. As we all know Maine is known for its lobsters, anywhere you look you see lobsters. Keep that in mind as this story progresses. So there I am with friends in Maine doing the bar tour thing. Hurry to this bar for a few drinks, go to this bar for a few more and so forth and so on. Now it comes to be about 1am and we are leaving our last bar and heading back to the hotel room. Good time to mention that I have once again been crowned “National Beer Drinking Champion” at this point. I am happy, loud and full of great ideas. As we walk out of this one bar I see it, in all its glory… a giant metal lobster statue type thing. It was like the skies opened up and the angels sang to me. Thank goodness for modern technology because I pulled out my phone and handed it to my buddy and said “Here, get my picture” then proceeded to run towards this lobster like a kindergartner towards his mom after the first day of school.

I think my buddy thought I was going to stand under the lobster, or maybe pretend his giant claws were grabbing me or something lame like that. But no, I had bigger … GREATER IDEAS… I’m gonna climb the damn thing! Oh, did I forget to mention it was pouring out? Minor details to the National Beer Drinking Champion! As I begin to mount this monstrous lobster statue I realize water makes metal slicker, so I remind myself to be careful. I may have even said those words out loud, but I’d be damned if I was going to let that stop me!

I made it to the top, KINDA, and my buddy got the picture. And then I hear this: “Hey, get off that effing lobster” and I think there is a pretty good chance he’s talking to me… and in fact he was. So I respond “Sure, no problem” … that was a lie! It was a problem! My shirt had become hooked onto a shard of metal and I was sort of stuck. I mean I tried to slide down, but my shirt wouldn’t let me. I would have to somehow climb further UP to release my shirt. Now I try, in my nicest way, to explain this to the over-grown gentleman whose job it is to protect the over grown lobster, but he didn’t seem to really be concerned about my shirt.

It took me a few minutes to try to “free” myself from the lobsters “grasp” of me, and as I was doing it I really wasn’t paying attention to footing or the “slickery-ness” of the wet metal. Before I knew it I had lost my footing at just about the same time the lobster lost its “grasp” on me and tumbling off the lobster I went. I landed unhurt laying on my back with the giant lobster-statue-watching guy glaring down at me. I will admit, not one of my proudest moments. This is our conversation:
Him: Serves you right you asshole!
ME: (still laying on the ground) You put a GIANT METAL LOBSTER outside of a BAR and I’M THE ASSHOLE?

I got to my feet, picked up my torn shirt and what was left of my dignity and walked away … but I rode the lobster!

And here is the proof!

Hey, Have a good weekend and remember ... please drink responsibly!

They gave me a Top 5!

So as I sit here watching Hurricane/Tropical Storm Irene do her thing I decided to check on the blog. After clicking around I found out that my blog actually has “stats”. This is where I can find out which one of the posts hase been read the most. It’s like a TOP 5 LIST. Pretty neat so I thought I’d share it with you (plus it’s an easy way to get out of updating! LOL)

The most read post on my blog, according to my stats page, is the 3 part series “Ahhh the great outdoors... as seen on Discovery”, my hunting camp adventure. If you would like to read it make sure you start at Part 1 then there is Part 2 and of course the conclusion, Part 3.

Coming in second is the Dunkin Doorman, an adventure I had one day in Boston.

The 3rd most read post on my blog is my stab at Internet Dating. Which, after re-reading just moments ago, I ran into the other room and gave Michelle a great big hug and told her how much I am TRULY thankful I met her? It’s a scary world out there Charlie Brown.

My dislike of all things Hands Free lands in the 4th spot.

And completing the list of the top 5 most read posts on my blog would be my observation of jogging.


Well it looks as if the worst of the "storm" is over and the only devastation here at my house is that it seems to have sucked the motivation right out of me... which really I don't find all that devastating. Seems like to perfect day to snuggle up on the couch with Michelle and watch some cheesy movies.

Stay safe everyone!

Jobs... No not Steve, MINE!

As I stood there this morning watching the Keurig do its thing I couldn’t help but feel the anticipation of a fresh brewed cup of “Breakfast Blend” crossing my lips and filling my body full of the caffeinated motivation I so needed to get the day started. Then it happened, the Keurig malfunctioned and I only got ½ cup of the above mentioned, much needed motivation educing caffeine. Damn it, why can’t things work the way they are supposed to work?

As those thoughts ran through my head I couldn’t help but chuckle, “I bet I have one, maybe six, ex-bosses that at one time or another said the exact same thing about me”. We all like to think we are the best employee a company has ever had and I am sure more than one of us has looked at a fellow co-worker and thought “I do the job so much better than them”. All of this may or may not be true, but that doesn’t really matter to us. It’s what WE believe to be true that counts, right? Sure, until evaluation time comes around. Then we are told what we lack and what we need to “work” on to better ourselves, some companies call this “opportunity”. It’s them saying “You suck at time management but you have the opportunity to make it better”. Sure I do, but I also have the opportunity to keep screwing off and getting paid … now which opportunity sounds more enticing? Am I wrong? How many of you are reading this right now at your desk? See, screwing off is so much easier!

My first job right out of High school was making picture frames in a plastic factory. OK, I didn’t actually “make” them; I just sat there and counted them as they came off the machine that actually made them. Not the best job for a hyper-active kid with undiagnosed A.D.D. and an attention span of about 3.5 seconds. I was getting paid to pay attention to the machine yet I spent most of my time not paying attention to the machine. I would wander off and talk to co-workers, shop at the wall of vending machines or try to learn Vietnamese from the guys who were responsible for putting the finished product into shipping boxes. I’d like to take this time and say if you ever had a picture fall off your wall or a frame completely fall apart on you … sorry, good chance it came off of MY production line. As the Vietnamese packagers would say; không phải vấn đề của tôi (not my problem).

I should also mention that this job was a 3rd shift position, so there was always a good portion of my shift spent sleeping at my picture frame producing machine. One night I was fast asleep and the picture frame making machine decided not to work the way it was suppose to work. This is a bad thing when both the machine and I decide not to work the way we were supposed to be working at the same time. As I was dreaming of Debbie Gibson (hey, it was the 80’s … leave me alone) the picture frame making machine was spewing plastic carnage all over the floor. I was rudely awakened by my boss, who we called “Z”, screaming at me and trying to get to the emergency shut-off button (which was completely sheltered by pieces of plastic that resembled anything BUT a picture frame). That was my last night as a plastic-picture-frame counter. I actually asked “Z” why he was firing me and he said “Because you were sleeping” and I said “I wasn’t sleeping, I was praying!” … he didn’t buy it!

Sleeping on the job seemed to become a trend for me, which I think is understandable on any 3rd shift job but hard to defend when you are working 1st shift. Although I did learn something from that night at the picture frame factory … I don’t ever want to be woken up by someone yelling at me ever again. Now that doesn’t mean I wasn’t going to sleep, it just meant I had to find a way to get the message to whatever boss I had that yelling was not the answer, no not the answer at all!

During my days as an E.M.T. I slept A LOT on my shifts. Look, you give me a bed in the back of my ambulance … and I’m the asshole for using it? I just considered it "using the tools that were provided for me to do my job", and the only proper way to use a bed (with your clothes on) is sleeping! But I was smart, even pro-active one might say. I actually would pin a sign to my chest that read “Attention Supervisor: ONLY wake me if you are sending me home for sleeping …If you are going to write me up for sleeping please let me sleep and just leave the form. I will sign it when I wake up. Thank you”.

Believe it or not I was an E.M.T. for just over 5 years and anyone of my former partners can tell you at least one story of me sleeping through a call, falling asleep in the hospital waiting room or responding to a “call” that was actually only a dream I had. It was becoming clear to me that I needed to find a job that didn’t afford me the opportunity to sleep, a job that had me always moving and interacting with people, something that would constantly stimulate my mind. So I became a radio Disc Jockey! My first on-air job was at an oldies station. I left the medical field and became a full-time D.J. playing the hits of the 50’s and 60’s. Yup, I went from playing with dead people as an EMT to PLAYING dead people as a DJ. And I also found that I seemed to like jobs that had initials, which was convenient because I suck at spelling.

Something I also came to realize is any job that has “initials” usually doesn’t have a great pay scale, unless of course the initials are PHD or CPA, but those jobs required way too much attention to detail for me to even consider. If you actually took the three hours it would take you to read my complete resume you would see that I have had a wide array of jobs. Some may think that this means I can’t keep a job, I disagree. I think it shows that I am versatile and able to easily adapt to any situation. Hey, if management can spin my short comings as “opportunities” than I think I should be able to spin shit too! Don’t get me wrong, I love to work and I am a hard worker … it’s just sometimes I don’t work the way I was meant to work. So, much like one, or maybe 6, of my past bosses have done with me … I’ll give the Keurig another “opportunity” to get it right!

LOSING... a twisted look

When you LOSE something, for the most part, it is never a good thing. Ever notice how you can never “lose” something in a positive way? You can’t “lose” a cold and nobody ever says “Hey, congratulations on “losing” cancer. You can “beat” something and then lose it, but for the most part you can’t just LOSE something and have it be a good thing. The first time you lose something is usually the hardest. I remember the first time I lost a job (OK, I didn’t really lose it… I knew where it was it was just when I went there someone else was doing it!). The first time is always the hardest but you learn how to cope. For instance I have only been fired from one job in my entire life. All the rest I left on a mutual agreement, they said get out and I said OK, so it was a mutual agreement! Ahhh, the cleverness of coping!

There can be good things that come from loss though. If someone loses something and you find it for them then that is good. As I child I learned this early on. One day my mother had lost her car keys and was going crazy looking for them. I happened to find them for her and she was so happy she bought me an ice cream. I saw the benefit in finding stuff for her right away... so I started hiding her shit around the house and then “finding” it! Eventually the rewards petered off and I would then just hide shit for the sole enjoyment of driving her up a tree. It truly is an amazing thing my mother never put me up for adoption!

There can also be good things that come from you losing things. For instance I lost my first wife (OK, I didn’t really lose her… I know where she is it’s just when I go there someone else is doing her). Now that I think about it my marriage is the total opposite of my entire theory for this post. Finding my first wife was a bad thing for me but losing her was a good thing. So there are some exceptions to the rule of losing!

One thing people are always happy to announce they lost is weight, no matter how minimal the weight lose, people will be more than happy to tell you they lost it. I have a problem when someone is all excited about losing 2 pounds, because to me that’s the equivalent of taking a dump. Try it, next time you feel a really good one coming on, weigh yourself before and after. I’m not a doctor but I bet you will lose a pound or two! But I digress…

Have you ever noticed when someone loses something and then finds it they always say “it was in the last placed I looked”? Well, no shit! You FOUND it why would you keep looking for it? Now if you find something in the FIRST place that you looked then I have to ask, was it really lost? People are too quick to announce they lost something. How many times have you heard someone announce “I lost my keys” and in the same breath say “Oh, here they are”. If they had just waited another second I wouldn’t have had to roll my eyes at thought of helping them find their keys.

Another thing that bothers me that people say they lost is a loved one. You don’t LOSE a loved one when they die… depending on your beliefs you should know exactly where they are! Some believe our souls go to heaven, some believe our soul’s just roam the earth and some even believe we get 90 virgins. Whatever your beliefs are you should know where your loved one has gone, therefore they are truly not lost.

We all have something we lost that still lingers in our minds to this day. For instance my grandfather gave me a ring with a “B” on it when I was about 7 years old. I left it on a tray in McDonald’s and accidentally threw it away. Of course I didn’t realize it until much later in the day, but I still remember losing that ring. I even remember the McDonald’s I lost it at … it’s the one on 114 in Peabody.

There are some things you can lose and never find again… a parking space close to the mall entrance at Christmas time, the “big one” while fishing, a golf ball erratically hit into the woods, or my “B” ring given to me by my grandfather. Another thing you can lose but never get back is time. For example, I lost an entire morning writing this post and you lost about 15 minutes reading it!

Facebook Status Updates ... a History Part 2

she asked: 'Do you love me?' ... and I answered: 'Yes, yes I do ... but I also love the 'Jersey Shore' so clearly my judgement sucks!'

there really should be a cat limit! why do crazy people always have tons of cats? you walk into a house and see more then 3 cats ... you got yourself a crazy!

I just spit on my sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of being so lazy and yet so motivated and resourceful ever!

SHE SAID: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight" ... I SAID: "Sounds awesome, if you get home before I do make sure you leave the light on."

A little hungover today ... even the voices in my head are at a soft whisper!

I'm not sure where the right place to have a complete mental breakdown is ... But it's clearly NOT in the toilet paper isle at Shaw's! Damn lady!!!

It's called SATurday ... so why is every one bitching at me that all I want to do is SIT????

It's a numbers game today ... 1 day off ... 1,000 things to do ... 0 motivation!

things I learned in the last 15 minutes: 1. The building I am in right now has a very pretty concierge ... 2.Talking about how hot she is with Bri while in the elevator seemed safe ... 3. Some elevators have cameras ... 4.This elevator also has a microphone! son of a ...

 

so let me get this straight ... you want me to put my ladder up to the 3rd floor window of a house you say you locked yourself out of ... oh, all I need to do is 'break a small window and climb in' ... oh, and you're 'pretty sure' there's no dog ... AND you'll give me 20 bucks!?!? Are you crazy ... my ladder will never reach the 3rd floor ... let's go to the 2nd floor!

The "Bri-don" cable couple had a good day today ... we saw lots, met lots and fixed little ... and that my friend, is a good day!!!! (BECAUSE, if you fix it the 1st time what kind of job security would THAT be??????)

some days this job sucks and then some days you hit the jackpot and get a half dressed smoking babe who just makes it all worth it!!! Now I need to go write my 'Dear Penthouse Forum' letter and have a smoke!

Has this ever happened to anyone else? I'm sitting here looking at my computer screen thinking "I know I used to do more on here then just Facebook ... but I can't remember what it was" ... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

FOR SALE: Cambridge Parking Authority ticket! Signed by the Author and sequentially numbered! It's value is 25 dollars today but in just 14 days it's value will increase by 15 bucks, says so right on the back! It also says on the back that if you collect enough they'll give you a free boot! I'll sell it today for only 25 bucks!

I know there is some time/pain ratio that determines how long you have to wait before you can laugh after someone falls ... and I also know I have no idea what it is because the bike hadn't even hit the ground yet and I was laughing!

OMG that shower felt so good I think I owe it dinner and a call in the morning!!!

listen up you Enya listening, green tea drinking, socks with Jesus shoes wearing, satchel carrying, Subaru driving, PBS watching, NPR listening, tree hugging SOB ... next time I'm working outside in the freezing cold and you attempt to lecture me on the fact that my running van is melting the ice caps ... I swear on Al... Gore's global warming ass I'll kick you in the cranberrys! Really! And that my friend is a CONVENIENT TRUTH!

alrighty I give ... where are the hidden cameras? No way there are this many crazy FN people that I get stuck dealing with in one afternoon! Oh, And lady ... you tell me you want a new 'mojem' one more time I'm knocking you out!

3 things my dad always told me: measure twice, cut once ... nothing a little duck tape can't fix ... and never trust a fart! I always remember #3 two seconds too late though ...

most people's resolutions are to lose weight ... boring! Mine is to GAIN weight ... just seemed easier and a lot more fun!

Did you know you can't take pictures in Brookstones? Weird huh? The lady was all 'no pictures, you gotta leave now' and I was all 'alright already, let me get my clothes on and I'll go ... geesh, touchy touchy'!

OK so no matter how good of an idea it may have seemed to be ... hanging out the passenger window to clean the wiper whilst Big Bri drives down McGrath Highway didn't work out as well as I thought it would!

He asked: Do you ever miss your ex wife? I answered: Yes, but my aim is getting better!

if I wasn't before I am now ... I just yelled at a deaf lady! Going straight to hell I am!!!

Bored and stuck at the airport. Found a "pay by the minute internet kiosk" ... last time I paid for ANYTHING by the minute I got see some boobs, but NOOOO, this FN thing won't let me! Suppose I'll put my pants back on and go back to the bar!

Found out a bearded dragon is an actual reptile! Weird though, looks nothing like a vagina!

How old should a highway be before you tell it it's adopted?

looking at a bunch of homeless guys in Central Square and it hit me ... you never see a homeless Asian guy! They're like baby pigeons ... I know they exist but I've never seen one!

her: what do I hit for 200? me: uhm, 2-0-0! her: I better write that down. What do I press for 201? me: REALLY??? You press 2-0-1!!!! Her: what about 206? me: press 'all off' then put down your remote, pick up your phone and call 1-800-DIRECT TV!!!

things I say at work that sound dirty but are really not: "Ok, I'll take the pole"

things I say at work that sound dirty but really are not: "Ma'am I'm gonna need to see your box"

things I say at work that sound dirty but really are not: "Gonna have to take a look in that man hole"!

I never finish anythi

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp .... ahhhhh, better! Happy Thanksgiving Napping everyone!

I met this really cute blond today and while we were talking she said "Hockey is AWESOME! It's the best sport! I love every thing about it!" ... so I pulled her shirt over her head and knocked all her teeth out! Probably shoulda re-thought that one huh???

someone stole my identity ... saw my credit score and gave it back!

The question was: If you could go any where in the world where would it be? My answer: My ex wife's funeral! What???

DAMN ... I had something really interesting to say but by the time I had a chance to post it I forgot what it was ... so could you just LOOK interested? Thanks!

My buddy Bill posted the following on his FB wall: " To all my FB friends.....anyone who does not have a place to go for Thanksgiving is more than welcome to come to my house..." I thought it was such a nice gesture, it really touched my heart and inspired me to do the same ... so to all my FB friends I... want to say ... if you need directions to Bill's house just let me know!

OH, and in case I forgot to tell you ... ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐

Unless you do it naked you are never TRULY done with your laundry! Makes sense, right? The owner of the Laundromat didn't think so!

so I was walking out of Longhorns the other night and a Chinese family was walking in ... do you think they said "Hey, let's go out for American!" ... just wondering.

Saw the BEST T-Shirt tonight and maybe my new pick up line: "If we are what we eat then I'll be you in the morning" ... LMFAO!!!

the lady laying on the ground next to the mangled bike said: "I thought that car was going to stop" ... I said: "Belichick thought they could make 4 and 2 ... looks like you were both wrong"

Ahhhh Open Enrollment ... just spent an hour filling out the "10-minute" form! All I know is my PCP better work with my PPO because the DDM on my DMO seemed like a PDC but I think they are all POS's ... yeah, uhm ... socialized health care you say????

you know that feeling you get the split second the sneeze begins ... isn't that the best? It's like a facial orgasm! Anyone got a tissue?

Black Comcast Hoodie: CHECK ... Dusty MDU Basement: CHECK ... Seceret passage that lets you double back around on your co-worker: CHECK ... scaring the ever living sh*t out of Chach and making him curl up in a ball like a 9 y/o girl and pee his pants ... F N PRICELESS!!!!!!!

I should've known my marriage wouldn't have worked. I'm italian and she is a bitch!

for halloween I went as Kanye West ... just as the kids would get ready to say 'trick or treat' I would jump up on the porch and yell 'Christmas is a better holiday'!

Dressed up as Balloon Boy for halloween ... pretty easy costume, just spent the night hiding in some ladies box!

This year for Halloween I went as Madonna ... I put on a blond wig and adopted the Nigerian kid up the street!

If you ain't got nothing nice to say ... OK, I'll shut up!

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking lady and she asked me if I liked breasts or legs and I said I actually prefer a nice ass ... Apparently, I'm no longer welcome at KFC.

ha ha ha ... really at this point all you can do is laugh!

To quote Jay Z... I got 99 problems but a b*tch ain't one!

what a beautiful day! Would rather be getting in a round of golf than working but what can you do, my ex needs the money!

if an all black cat runs in front of you that's bad luck, right? I just had an all white cat run in front of me ... good luck right? RIGHT???? RIGHT I SAID!!!! That IS RIGHT, ain't it???? I could use some good luck!

bad day ... piss off! Yup, that about sums it up!

one of THOSE days ... gonna smack someone!

so here I am at the corner of Land & Mcgrath and 8 elephants go strolling by! No, I'm not drinking ... elephants just walked down the street in Cambridge! I knew there was a bunch of Democrats here, but this is CRAZY!!!

October 18th and it's snowing! If anyone sees Al Gore slap him for me will ya?!

watched Slumdog Millionaire last night for the 1st time ... now I want to go hug the guy at 7-11!

How can something with THIN in it's name be fattening? Screw you Thin Mints!!!!

funny, you never truly realize how cold your hands actually are until you have to pee! Son of a...

I have chapped lips so I lifted the tail on a dog and kissed his butt ... doesn't help with the chapped lips but it does keep me from licking my lips!

I think my goal today is to piss off as many people as I can ... it wasn't my goal when I woke up but it just seems to be going that way!

Played in the sand ... Spent some time in the water ... Great day if I was at the beach but on the golf course ... Yeah, not so much!

unless you do it naked you are NEVER REALLY done with your laundry ... so today I did it naked and now I can't go back to that laundromat!

a simple word of advice: If you're gonna be all 'gangsta' and wear your pants under your ass cheeks make sure the underwear you have on doesn't have shit stains on them! (cue the NBC jingle 'the more you know')

I'm just a white shirt & black tie away from being Michael Douglas in Falling Down!

She asked: "Do these jeans make my ass look fat?" I answered: "No, it's not the jeans"...

The bathroom was out of TP ... and, uhm, you're gonna need a plunger and a new shower curtain!

Heading out ... either gonna be a short night tonight OR a long day at work tomorrow, you just never know with these things!

she said "You're so F-N immature, grow up" ... and I said "I'm rubber, you're glue ... bounces of me and sticks to you". I have no idea what she meant!

DKNY and my new profession PART 1

Look who is back! I actually had a couple of good friends read my Blog and compliment me on it ... and I didn't even have to pay them! So I decided to check out the old neglected Blog and after re-reading some posts I decided to write an update! Do you realize that when they read it they TRIPLED my readers? Sa-WEEEET!!!

So last week I got an invite to the WAAF Mantown Girl Calandar Release Party (at least I THINK that was the name of it). We had some VIP passes and my buddy said that we needed to dress up. Normally that would bum me out because, as I've said before, I am a Jeans & T-Shirt kind of guy. However, I DID buy a couple of suits when my dad passed away so I was all set for this "Dress Up" party. Actually I really want to get my money's worth out of these suits and going to a dress up party sounded like way more fun than attending funerals of people I didn't know ... which yeah, was my original plan to get my money's worth!

OK, so I have my suit and I am ready to go BUT then my buddy calls and says "Dump the suit, dress cass" (which I find out is "Metrosexual Speak" for CASUAL) ... OH SHIT! My "cass" is a pair of Wranglers and a Hooters T-Shirt ... certainly not the "Cass" he had in mind!

Now if you recall from Garanimals & Maniquins I hate shopping and, since the demise of maniquins, I have NO IDEA what "Dress Cass" looks like! It's time for some quick thinking here ... what to do, what to do? Then it hit me ... GOOGLE THAT SHIT! So I did ... I went to Google Images and typed in "Douchebag"!

SIDE TRIP HERE WE COME: This has nothing to do with the original story BUT I had to share it with you... A buddy at work pointed this out to me! Go to Google Images and type in DOUCHEBAG ... go ahead, I'll wait here! Good, you're back. Now did you see the picture of the douchebag with the Blow Out, headband and puffy lips sporting the ORANGE tan? How would you like to be HIM! If someone in Cambodia Googled "Douchebag" YOU ARE THE GUY THEY SEE! You ARE the world's DOUCHEBAG! I bet that makes his mom proud!

BACK TO THE STORY:
So I Googled Douchebag, saw what they were wearing, printed out one of the pictures and headed to Filene's! Ran into the Men's Department picked out the clothes in the picture and BAM, I was dressing CASS!

A few hours later there we are walking into the Landsdowne Pub and I'm sporting some Flypaper Jeans and a DKNY Shirt ... yeah I'm just a blowout and frosted tips away from being a full blown douchebag!

Now my buddy had told me that we would be meeting some women. I naively thought he meant there would be a shit load of woman at this party. Anyone want to guess how many woman were there? Anyone??? I'll give you a hint ... it's a frickin CALENDAR RELEASE PARTY! Yeah, 12 of them!!! It was a complete SAUSAGE FEST ... and here I am in my best DKNY shirt!

I will say it was a great party and we did drink a lot ... which always helps any bad situation! After the party we went to a couple of other places that DID have lots of women. One thing I did find out about my buddy is that he is the BEST wing man I have ever had. This guy could start up a conversation with ANYONE! It was great!


So I meet Jesalynn, a very attractive brunette with beautiful eyes and the greatest smile ... AND she just happened to be wearing nothing but a bra and panties! Now before you go jumping to conclusions I just want to assure you that we were NOT at a strip club. We were at a lagitimate bar in Boston. Apparently she was "promoting her new lingerie company" ... and she was doing it VERY WELL!

It seems she is starting a new company, her and her two friends, and this is how they promote their product. Yes this IS where I would like to begin the "Dear Penthouse I can't believe this happened to me" story ... but I'm going to stick with what REALLY HAPPENED.

But that's going to have to wait until PART 2!

What, you weren't expecting a cliff hanger?

My Facebook status updates ... a history!

Ok so how many of you are on Facebook? Addictive little site ain't it? The other night I decided to go back and look at some of my older "status updates". You should do it some time (I mean go back and look at YOUR older status updates) it's pretty neat!

I know they say it's corny to laugh at your own jokes but I have to admit I DID chuckle at a few of them ... some I even actually LOLed ... wait, can you LOLed? Or is it just LOL? Hmmmmm

Moving on ... I decide to cheat on a Blog update and just post some of my more "creative" FB status updates, ENJOY!

Did you know Gilligan's 1st name was Willy? TRUE STORY! So all those years on the island and the Skipper was beating his little Willy ... uhm, with his hat no less!

is tied off on a strand waiting for chach to finnish the house side. (I STILL hear about this one at work)

Home from work and ready for a hot one, then a cold one and then a soft one! That would be SHOWER, BEER, CHAIR!

is working hard and being very efficient because I love my job! (yup you guessed it ... my boss is on FB!)

My memory is getting so bad this year I'm hiding my own Easter eggs!

has decided on eggs! An egg for every moron that rides a bike down the middle of the street holding up traffic because they think they are driving an automobile! "Cluck cluck mutha clucka" (This is where my dislike of cycilists begins ... just wait, it GROWS!)

working like a dog ... have you ever seen a dog work? then you get my point!

never take a laxative and a sleep aid on the same night ... now that's good advice!

my job is to comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable ... which one are you?

has assumed the position ... ass down, feet up, head back ... now 1,2,3 ... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh comfy! I love this recliner!!!

Just decided that instead of mowing the lawn ... this year I'm just gonna braid it!

Is going to twitter that I updated my FB status ... wait, then I'll have to update my FB status to say I am twittering ... then I'll have to twitter that I changed my FB status again ... oh man ... when does it stop?

just had a 7-11 hotdog ... I think next time i'll just throw the hotdog in the toilet & cut out the middle man!

Is all ready to spend tomorrow at the beach ... well, not REALLY ... I'm playing golf and I usually end up either in a sand trap or wading through water looking for my ball so it's LIKE the beach!

You say golf ain't a sport and I say you swing at anything 180 times and that's a workout! Best 9 holes I ever played!

I just read that pigs have 30 minute orgasms ... maybe the swine flu does have an upside!

I saw a guy sitting on a bench talking to himself ... then about two blocks down I saw a lady sitting on a bench talking to herself ... ya think maybe they were talking to each other?

ever just wanna smack someone ... I mean REALLY smack em?!

who shits in their living room? people are F-N crazy!

there are some wet things I enjoy being in ... the rain is not one of them!

getting ready to throw on my sweats, hop in my recliner, pop open a pint of Ben & Jerry's "Banana Split" ice cream and watch some TV ... oh look, I think i just grew a mangina!

I hope everyone has a safe and happy 4th and remember ... no matter how many beers you have and no matter how "COOL" it may seem, shooting bottle rockets out of your ass is NEVER a good idea ... some things we learn the hard way!

4 DAYS OFF ... WOO-HOO!!! Gonna spend it with some friends ... Johnny, Jack, Jose & Bud ... that would be Walker, Daniels, Cuervo and Wieser!

Oh Latoya ... I think we lost the wrong Jackson!

ha ha ... that was cute when you yelled "I have the right of way" ... now get your FN bicycle out of the middle of the road before I shove your 'right of way' right up your ass! (and my love of cyclists grows)

And then I thought it would be fun to RHYME my status updates:

I've decided from now on all of my updates are going to rhyme ... except for this one cause I don't have the time ... oh wait...

Working today and climbing the walls ... another hot one with un-powdered balls!

uhm, yeah ... if you wear a skirt and sit on the stoop ... cross your legs cause I can see where you poop!

Al Sharpton is at it again! Now he's standing up for the kettle ... says all the name calling from the pot has got to end!

I posted without and then caught some slack ... so my status in rhyme? i'm bring 'em back!

we were both pissed and you flipped me the bird ... I called you "mother" but that was only half the word!

It's been a long day, gonna hop in the reclina ... it's the second best thing, next to a (you know where that was going, dontcha?)

I put Cheerios in the toilet to improve my aim ... so if there is pee on your floor don't look to me for blame!

And the Rhyming DID end ... moving on:

That's great ... you're taking a left so you stay as far right as you can so nobody can get by! You Prius driving, tree hugging, granola eating, hairy legged, ozone saving, WWF card holding,hemp wearing, NPR listening, "Save the Whale...s" bumper sticker buyer, yoga doing SOB (I miss anything?) ... GET OUT OF MY WAY!!!

This shower is going to make me feel so good I think I should buy it dinner first!

I only have so much brain capacity so for every new thing I learn I forget something ... which explains why i'm sitting here in my underwear!

yeah that's a really cool ride ... nice rims, sweet ground efx, thumpin' stereo ... but, uhm, yeah it's still a Prius asshole!

Tornado watch for Middlesex county!?!?!? Tornado's are like a divorce ... a bunch of crap gets thrown around and someone usually ends up losing a house ...

Random Thought: You think the bathrooms at a sewer treatment plant has the "All Employees Must Wash Hands Before Returning to Work" sign? I mean really, what would be the point???

FOR SALE: Vespa scooter ... comes with helmet, lock and attached bike rack! Oh, and I don't have a key for the lock! Best offer

riding a razor scooter ... hat on backwards ... lolipop in his mouth ... cute huh? except the guy was in his 40's!

I hear voices in my head ... but they're speaking spanish so I have NO idea what they're saying!

OK so not only did I NOT win Mega Millions BUT I didn't even get 1 F'n number in all the ones I played ... not 1! On a somewhat related note ... anyone know how to un-send an e-mail to your boss???

FOR SALE: 20 Mega Millions tickets ... paid 20 bucks for them yesterday willing to sell for 10 bucks today!!!

AAAAHHHHH, Sunday mornings! I love just hanging out in my boxers, cup of coffee and some chill music ... so relaxing! Granted a little awkward because I'm at work but still relaxing none the less!

They say hard work never killed anyone ... but really, why take the chance?

she said "You're so F-N immature, grow up" ... and I said "I'm rubber, you're glue ... bounces of me and sticks to you".

Yes I know the sign says "yeild to pedestrians" ... it also says "Buckle up" and I don't do that, so go ahead and take your chances!

Things I've learned today: 1.) Walgreens has a sale on Mike & Ike's 3 for 3 bucks! 2.) Eating Mike & Ike's make me happy! 3.) Throwing Mike & Ike's at a-hole people riding their bicycles in the middle of the road ma...kes me happier! 4.) People on bikes really have no idea where flying Mike & Ikes come from! This is gonna be a fun day ...

Labor Day weekend and I'm laboring all weekend ... boy I can't wait until Fornication Day Weekend!

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists... thank god for Mike & Ike!!!

my lesbian neighbor just gave me a Rolex ... I think she misunderstood me, I said I wanted TO watch!

a gray cat just ran in front of me ... is that just 'sorta' bad luck?

She said: "You never listen to anything I have to say" and then walked out of the room! I said: "Sure, bring me back a beer"!

So there they are, most of my FB status updates for the last 9 months. I know what you're thinking ... I spend WAY too much time on Facebook, and you're right!