I'm not the outdoorsy Man vs. Wild type of guy. I know you find that hard to believe considering 99.5% of my blog posts originate from my recliner (I would say 100% but there was that one time I was on the toilet). I grew up in the city and considered a walk through the Boston Commons as a "hike" in the woods, that was until I moved away from the city. I was married and living in rural Amercia, and by that I mean cousins married and the dentist was the loneliest guy in town. A friend of mine asked me if I wanted to go to hunting camp with him and a bunch of guys. After two years of marriage I got to tell you that 2 weeks in the middle of the woods with a bunch of guys sounded pretty damn good at this point! So off to hunting camp I went ready to learn what I could about the great outdoors.
The first, and most important, thing I learned as we hiked to the hunting camp was YES, bears DO shit in the woods, so stop asking! Once we got to the actual camp it was time to unload the packs and settle in for an adventurous two weeks. Now is a good time to tell you that deer season is in November and in November there is plenty of snow in rural America. It was also one of the many times I really questioned Al Gore's theory of Global Warming ... but more on that later.
So as these guys I am with start to unload their packs I began to realize I should've paid better attention to my "friend" when he was telling me what I would need. These guys are pulling out wool pants (called woolys) and big heavy jackets and orange hats and vests, gloves and mittens and wool socks... Me? I pulled out some thermal underwear and a case of beer ... clearly I have missed something here.
The unpacking is done and now the guns start coming out. I guess you need to clean them and oil them and rub them just the right way. I started thinking if some of these guys treated their wives like they treated their guns they wouldn't need two weeks away in the woods ... but who am I to judge - I'm sitting in thermal underwear drinking beer! My friend has brought one of his guns to let me use during my hunting experience. I don't have the "bond" with this gun that these other guys seem to have with their guns. So as they rub and caress theirs I toss mine on the couch and open another beer. See it least I'm treating this gun exactly how I treated my wife ... no favoritism from this guy!
One thing that is amazing at hunting camp is the food. I may be hunted down myself and shot for exposing this, but guys CAN cook... and not just the gay ones! The food was incredible! Maybe it was the 1/2 case of beer I had drank, but I was really starting to enjoy myself. That was until I was informed that wake-up was at 3:30 in the morning. 3:30 in the frigging morning? What, do deers have jobs that they have to get to so we need to catch them on their commute? It's the wild, won't they still be around at say ... NOON?
It was explained to me that we need to get up at 3:30 for a quick breakfast and then be in the woods all set up by 4:30, 5:00 at the latest. Wait, I thought we WERE in the woods ... can't I just open this door and shot the 1st deer I see, then go back to bed? I knew this hunting thing wasn't going to be for me ... last time I had seen 3:30 in the morning I was just getting home!
It's just a little past 10:00pm and it's time for bed, so I'm told. Lights out! The last time I slept in a room with 9 guys was Boy Scout camp when I was 11 and I don't remember anyone snoring this much. Honest to God it was like a constant roar of a grizzly bear, these guys couldn't even get in sync with each other! Another thing I should mention is that as good as the food was we ate for dinner ... it did create, shall we say, a SHIT LOAD OF GAS! I'm not sure how to type sound effects, but if just for a moment you could imagine snoring and farting from 9 guys and the sounds that it would make ... yeah, not so pretty is it?
As I lay on my cot listening to the Fart-and-snore Orchestra I begin to wonder WHY... why did I commit to TWO weeks of this. I'm going to be stuck in the woods with a bunch of guys that, I would be willing to bet, would make love to their guns if they could figure out how. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks ... HOLY SHIT I only brought a case of beer! I cried myself to sleep that night!
TO BE CONTINUED
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Part 2 coming soon
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