ATTENTION:
This part 3 of 3 ... read part 1 & 2 first!
You know when you first wake up and you're not sure where you are? This time I REALLY had no idea where I was, except to say I was in the middle of the woods laying on a mixture of snow and leaves. I was so cold I was shaking like a homophobic guy eating a hot dog at a gay pride parade. Luckily I remembered that I had the radio in my ear ... all I needed to do was "break radio silence" and tell them I'm ready to go home.
Not so easy for two reasons - 1. I never turned it on and 2. I kind of remember someone saying, earlier in the morning, that they would switch to blah blah channel and then maybe blah blah channel if there was too much chatter. Yeah, the "blah blah" parts where lost in my head. As someone was telling me channels all I was hearing was that little voice in my head saying "you just shit in a pickle bucket, run now"!
I have no idea where I am or how to get back to the camp and I'm looking at a little two way radio wondering what blah blah channel I would find someone who did actually know ... let the fun begin! What I decided to do is just go channel to channel looking for the guy who brought me out into the woods, Scott.
Here is the conversation I had at LEAST 9 times that morning on various channels of this little two way radio:
ME: Hey Scott you there?
SOMEONE IN A WHISPER: Who is this?
ME: It's me, Brendon. Is that you Scott?
SOMEONE IN A WHISPER: No this isn't Scott... shut up!
ME: I'm just looking for Scott.
a few moments of silence
ME: Do you know Scott?
SOMEONE IN A WHISPER: Scott who?
(and that's when I remembered I didn't know Scott's last name)
ME: Uhm, Scott ... I'm staying at ... uhm ... Hey do you have a bottomless pickle bucket to shit in at your camp?
SOMEONE IN A WHISPER: A WHAT?
ME: Yeah, OK never mind.
And then on to the next channel I would go in search of either Scott whats-his-name or someone who has a bottomless pickle bucket they shit in at their camp, they can't be that common!
Scott did actually find ME around 12:30 when he came back to the exact same spot he had left me at earlier that morning at O dark 30! All I had to do was look like I have been waiting for a deer AND try to pull off the "I wasn't sleeping" look ... something I perfected on many of the 3rd shift jobs I've held.
We headed back to camp for lunch and to discuss what signs we've seen ... you know, rubs and warm deer shit and bed downs and ... OK, honestly I have no freaking idea what any of these guys are talking about, and even if I did it wasn't going to matter because I was SLEEPING all morning and didn't see shit! But I sat there and took it all in ... all while the little voice in my head kept yelling RUN!
I'm not going to bore you with the rest of the day to day adventures I had those two weeks but I would like to share some important thing that I learned ...mostly the hard way!
My brother in law went hunting last year for wild boar. He didn't want to play the "game" though because he went to a place that you paid about $1,500 for a 4 day hunt ... but they guaranteed you would shoot a wild boar
Guaranteed huh? So I imagine that if on the 4th day you haven't shot anything they bring out this wild boar on a leash and say "Go ahead, pop a cap in his ass"!
Me, I'm fine in my recliner watching the great outdoors in HD on Discovery!
This part 3 of 3 ... read part 1 & 2 first!
You know when you first wake up and you're not sure where you are? This time I REALLY had no idea where I was, except to say I was in the middle of the woods laying on a mixture of snow and leaves. I was so cold I was shaking like a homophobic guy eating a hot dog at a gay pride parade. Luckily I remembered that I had the radio in my ear ... all I needed to do was "break radio silence" and tell them I'm ready to go home.
Not so easy for two reasons - 1. I never turned it on and 2. I kind of remember someone saying, earlier in the morning, that they would switch to blah blah channel and then maybe blah blah channel if there was too much chatter. Yeah, the "blah blah" parts where lost in my head. As someone was telling me channels all I was hearing was that little voice in my head saying "you just shit in a pickle bucket, run now"!
I have no idea where I am or how to get back to the camp and I'm looking at a little two way radio wondering what blah blah channel I would find someone who did actually know ... let the fun begin! What I decided to do is just go channel to channel looking for the guy who brought me out into the woods, Scott.
Here is the conversation I had at LEAST 9 times that morning on various channels of this little two way radio:
ME: Hey Scott you there?
SOMEONE IN A WHISPER: Who is this?
ME: It's me, Brendon. Is that you Scott?
SOMEONE IN A WHISPER: No this isn't Scott... shut up!
ME: I'm just looking for Scott.
a few moments of silence
ME: Do you know Scott?
SOMEONE IN A WHISPER: Scott who?
(and that's when I remembered I didn't know Scott's last name)
ME: Uhm, Scott ... I'm staying at ... uhm ... Hey do you have a bottomless pickle bucket to shit in at your camp?
SOMEONE IN A WHISPER: A WHAT?
ME: Yeah, OK never mind.
And then on to the next channel I would go in search of either Scott whats-his-name or someone who has a bottomless pickle bucket they shit in at their camp, they can't be that common!
Scott did actually find ME around 12:30 when he came back to the exact same spot he had left me at earlier that morning at O dark 30! All I had to do was look like I have been waiting for a deer AND try to pull off the "I wasn't sleeping" look ... something I perfected on many of the 3rd shift jobs I've held.
We headed back to camp for lunch and to discuss what signs we've seen ... you know, rubs and warm deer shit and bed downs and ... OK, honestly I have no freaking idea what any of these guys are talking about, and even if I did it wasn't going to matter because I was SLEEPING all morning and didn't see shit! But I sat there and took it all in ... all while the little voice in my head kept yelling RUN!
I'm not going to bore you with the rest of the day to day adventures I had those two weeks but I would like to share some important thing that I learned ...mostly the hard way!
- Fox urine stays on your skin for a LONG time.
- You never really realize how cold your hands actually are until you have to pee.
- Guns? They need something called ammunition ... you know, bullets! (learned that on day 3! Yeah, I was in the woods 3 days with an empty gun ... thought someone had loaded it for me, WRONG!)
- Sitting on a bottomless pickle bucket too long will cut the circulation off in your legs causing them to fall asleep ... making it nearly IMPOSSIBLE to walk for about 10 minutes.
- HUNTING IS NOT FOR ME!
My brother in law went hunting last year for wild boar. He didn't want to play the "game" though because he went to a place that you paid about $1,500 for a 4 day hunt ... but they guaranteed you would shoot a wild boar
Guaranteed huh? So I imagine that if on the 4th day you haven't shot anything they bring out this wild boar on a leash and say "Go ahead, pop a cap in his ass"!
Me, I'm fine in my recliner watching the great outdoors in HD on Discovery!
This story is a RIOT! I don't know you but was directed to your blog by a friend and I will say that I will be a regular reader. u r very funny
ReplyDeleteHey Bren! This is hilarious! I've already had Jason read all of them and we were cracking up! I cant wait to tell more people about your blog so they believe me when I tell them how funny you are!
ReplyDelete