DKNY and my new profession PART 1

Look who is back! I actually had a couple of good friends read my Blog and compliment me on it ... and I didn't even have to pay them! So I decided to check out the old neglected Blog and after re-reading some posts I decided to write an update! Do you realize that when they read it they TRIPLED my readers? Sa-WEEEET!!!

So last week I got an invite to the WAAF Mantown Girl Calandar Release Party (at least I THINK that was the name of it). We had some VIP passes and my buddy said that we needed to dress up. Normally that would bum me out because, as I've said before, I am a Jeans & T-Shirt kind of guy. However, I DID buy a couple of suits when my dad passed away so I was all set for this "Dress Up" party. Actually I really want to get my money's worth out of these suits and going to a dress up party sounded like way more fun than attending funerals of people I didn't know ... which yeah, was my original plan to get my money's worth!

OK, so I have my suit and I am ready to go BUT then my buddy calls and says "Dump the suit, dress cass" (which I find out is "Metrosexual Speak" for CASUAL) ... OH SHIT! My "cass" is a pair of Wranglers and a Hooters T-Shirt ... certainly not the "Cass" he had in mind!

Now if you recall from Garanimals & Maniquins I hate shopping and, since the demise of maniquins, I have NO IDEA what "Dress Cass" looks like! It's time for some quick thinking here ... what to do, what to do? Then it hit me ... GOOGLE THAT SHIT! So I did ... I went to Google Images and typed in "Douchebag"!

SIDE TRIP HERE WE COME: This has nothing to do with the original story BUT I had to share it with you... A buddy at work pointed this out to me! Go to Google Images and type in DOUCHEBAG ... go ahead, I'll wait here! Good, you're back. Now did you see the picture of the douchebag with the Blow Out, headband and puffy lips sporting the ORANGE tan? How would you like to be HIM! If someone in Cambodia Googled "Douchebag" YOU ARE THE GUY THEY SEE! You ARE the world's DOUCHEBAG! I bet that makes his mom proud!

BACK TO THE STORY:
So I Googled Douchebag, saw what they were wearing, printed out one of the pictures and headed to Filene's! Ran into the Men's Department picked out the clothes in the picture and BAM, I was dressing CASS!

A few hours later there we are walking into the Landsdowne Pub and I'm sporting some Flypaper Jeans and a DKNY Shirt ... yeah I'm just a blowout and frosted tips away from being a full blown douchebag!

Now my buddy had told me that we would be meeting some women. I naively thought he meant there would be a shit load of woman at this party. Anyone want to guess how many woman were there? Anyone??? I'll give you a hint ... it's a frickin CALENDAR RELEASE PARTY! Yeah, 12 of them!!! It was a complete SAUSAGE FEST ... and here I am in my best DKNY shirt!

I will say it was a great party and we did drink a lot ... which always helps any bad situation! After the party we went to a couple of other places that DID have lots of women. One thing I did find out about my buddy is that he is the BEST wing man I have ever had. This guy could start up a conversation with ANYONE! It was great!


So I meet Jesalynn, a very attractive brunette with beautiful eyes and the greatest smile ... AND she just happened to be wearing nothing but a bra and panties! Now before you go jumping to conclusions I just want to assure you that we were NOT at a strip club. We were at a lagitimate bar in Boston. Apparently she was "promoting her new lingerie company" ... and she was doing it VERY WELL!

It seems she is starting a new company, her and her two friends, and this is how they promote their product. Yes this IS where I would like to begin the "Dear Penthouse I can't believe this happened to me" story ... but I'm going to stick with what REALLY HAPPENED.

But that's going to have to wait until PART 2!

What, you weren't expecting a cliff hanger?

My Facebook status updates ... a history!

Ok so how many of you are on Facebook? Addictive little site ain't it? The other night I decided to go back and look at some of my older "status updates". You should do it some time (I mean go back and look at YOUR older status updates) it's pretty neat!

I know they say it's corny to laugh at your own jokes but I have to admit I DID chuckle at a few of them ... some I even actually LOLed ... wait, can you LOLed? Or is it just LOL? Hmmmmm

Moving on ... I decide to cheat on a Blog update and just post some of my more "creative" FB status updates, ENJOY!

Did you know Gilligan's 1st name was Willy? TRUE STORY! So all those years on the island and the Skipper was beating his little Willy ... uhm, with his hat no less!

is tied off on a strand waiting for chach to finnish the house side. (I STILL hear about this one at work)

Home from work and ready for a hot one, then a cold one and then a soft one! That would be SHOWER, BEER, CHAIR!

is working hard and being very efficient because I love my job! (yup you guessed it ... my boss is on FB!)

My memory is getting so bad this year I'm hiding my own Easter eggs!

has decided on eggs! An egg for every moron that rides a bike down the middle of the street holding up traffic because they think they are driving an automobile! "Cluck cluck mutha clucka" (This is where my dislike of cycilists begins ... just wait, it GROWS!)

working like a dog ... have you ever seen a dog work? then you get my point!

never take a laxative and a sleep aid on the same night ... now that's good advice!

my job is to comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable ... which one are you?

has assumed the position ... ass down, feet up, head back ... now 1,2,3 ... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh comfy! I love this recliner!!!

Just decided that instead of mowing the lawn ... this year I'm just gonna braid it!

Is going to twitter that I updated my FB status ... wait, then I'll have to update my FB status to say I am twittering ... then I'll have to twitter that I changed my FB status again ... oh man ... when does it stop?

just had a 7-11 hotdog ... I think next time i'll just throw the hotdog in the toilet & cut out the middle man!

Is all ready to spend tomorrow at the beach ... well, not REALLY ... I'm playing golf and I usually end up either in a sand trap or wading through water looking for my ball so it's LIKE the beach!

You say golf ain't a sport and I say you swing at anything 180 times and that's a workout! Best 9 holes I ever played!

I just read that pigs have 30 minute orgasms ... maybe the swine flu does have an upside!

I saw a guy sitting on a bench talking to himself ... then about two blocks down I saw a lady sitting on a bench talking to herself ... ya think maybe they were talking to each other?

ever just wanna smack someone ... I mean REALLY smack em?!

who shits in their living room? people are F-N crazy!

there are some wet things I enjoy being in ... the rain is not one of them!

getting ready to throw on my sweats, hop in my recliner, pop open a pint of Ben & Jerry's "Banana Split" ice cream and watch some TV ... oh look, I think i just grew a mangina!

I hope everyone has a safe and happy 4th and remember ... no matter how many beers you have and no matter how "COOL" it may seem, shooting bottle rockets out of your ass is NEVER a good idea ... some things we learn the hard way!

4 DAYS OFF ... WOO-HOO!!! Gonna spend it with some friends ... Johnny, Jack, Jose & Bud ... that would be Walker, Daniels, Cuervo and Wieser!

Oh Latoya ... I think we lost the wrong Jackson!

ha ha ... that was cute when you yelled "I have the right of way" ... now get your FN bicycle out of the middle of the road before I shove your 'right of way' right up your ass! (and my love of cyclists grows)

And then I thought it would be fun to RHYME my status updates:

I've decided from now on all of my updates are going to rhyme ... except for this one cause I don't have the time ... oh wait...

Working today and climbing the walls ... another hot one with un-powdered balls!

uhm, yeah ... if you wear a skirt and sit on the stoop ... cross your legs cause I can see where you poop!

Al Sharpton is at it again! Now he's standing up for the kettle ... says all the name calling from the pot has got to end!

I posted without and then caught some slack ... so my status in rhyme? i'm bring 'em back!

we were both pissed and you flipped me the bird ... I called you "mother" but that was only half the word!

It's been a long day, gonna hop in the reclina ... it's the second best thing, next to a (you know where that was going, dontcha?)

I put Cheerios in the toilet to improve my aim ... so if there is pee on your floor don't look to me for blame!

And the Rhyming DID end ... moving on:

That's great ... you're taking a left so you stay as far right as you can so nobody can get by! You Prius driving, tree hugging, granola eating, hairy legged, ozone saving, WWF card holding,hemp wearing, NPR listening, "Save the Whale...s" bumper sticker buyer, yoga doing SOB (I miss anything?) ... GET OUT OF MY WAY!!!

This shower is going to make me feel so good I think I should buy it dinner first!

I only have so much brain capacity so for every new thing I learn I forget something ... which explains why i'm sitting here in my underwear!

yeah that's a really cool ride ... nice rims, sweet ground efx, thumpin' stereo ... but, uhm, yeah it's still a Prius asshole!

Tornado watch for Middlesex county!?!?!? Tornado's are like a divorce ... a bunch of crap gets thrown around and someone usually ends up losing a house ...

Random Thought: You think the bathrooms at a sewer treatment plant has the "All Employees Must Wash Hands Before Returning to Work" sign? I mean really, what would be the point???

FOR SALE: Vespa scooter ... comes with helmet, lock and attached bike rack! Oh, and I don't have a key for the lock! Best offer

riding a razor scooter ... hat on backwards ... lolipop in his mouth ... cute huh? except the guy was in his 40's!

I hear voices in my head ... but they're speaking spanish so I have NO idea what they're saying!

OK so not only did I NOT win Mega Millions BUT I didn't even get 1 F'n number in all the ones I played ... not 1! On a somewhat related note ... anyone know how to un-send an e-mail to your boss???

FOR SALE: 20 Mega Millions tickets ... paid 20 bucks for them yesterday willing to sell for 10 bucks today!!!

AAAAHHHHH, Sunday mornings! I love just hanging out in my boxers, cup of coffee and some chill music ... so relaxing! Granted a little awkward because I'm at work but still relaxing none the less!

They say hard work never killed anyone ... but really, why take the chance?

she said "You're so F-N immature, grow up" ... and I said "I'm rubber, you're glue ... bounces of me and sticks to you".

Yes I know the sign says "yeild to pedestrians" ... it also says "Buckle up" and I don't do that, so go ahead and take your chances!

Things I've learned today: 1.) Walgreens has a sale on Mike & Ike's 3 for 3 bucks! 2.) Eating Mike & Ike's make me happy! 3.) Throwing Mike & Ike's at a-hole people riding their bicycles in the middle of the road ma...kes me happier! 4.) People on bikes really have no idea where flying Mike & Ikes come from! This is gonna be a fun day ...

Labor Day weekend and I'm laboring all weekend ... boy I can't wait until Fornication Day Weekend!

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists... thank god for Mike & Ike!!!

my lesbian neighbor just gave me a Rolex ... I think she misunderstood me, I said I wanted TO watch!

a gray cat just ran in front of me ... is that just 'sorta' bad luck?

She said: "You never listen to anything I have to say" and then walked out of the room! I said: "Sure, bring me back a beer"!

So there they are, most of my FB status updates for the last 9 months. I know what you're thinking ... I spend WAY too much time on Facebook, and you're right!

40 Random Questions

I know what you're thinking ... he hasn't updated his blog all summer and his 1st update is a stupid questionnaire. Hey, we gotta ease back into these things ... besides it's not like you're paying to read this. But do you want to??? No? I didn't think so ... so here we go!

(BTW ... that's the cast from "Welcome Back Kotter" ... get it, Welcome Back?)


1. What is your best friend's Mom's name?
Really? That's where you're going to start huh?

2. Where is the weirdest place you have a mole
Inside my right nostril! I know what you're thinking ... how the hell did I find it, right?

3. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had?
Funny I never had a teacher! They didn't sleep with their students back then like they do now! Oh, not the HAD you meant?

4. Have you ever made out in a movie theater?
Yeah ... AND I unsuccessfully attempted the "popcorn trick" but got tossed out. Wasn't my fault the asshole put his hand in the wrong popcorn box!

5. What body part do you wash first?
What the hell ... it's mine and I like to keep it clean so I wash it 1st AND last!!!

6. Do you hover over the toilet in public bathrooms?
Used to but then I got caught and now I'm not allowed in public restrooms any more.

7. What's the strangest talent you have?
I can fart the theme to Happy Days ... Ok not really ... but that would be a pretty strange talent wouldn't it?

8. Do you have an innie or an outtie?
Used to be an outtie but it seems as if my stomach has grown into it and now it's an innie!

9. Have you ever been tied up? Do you want to be?
Yes and Yes ... I just hope next time the person doesn't leave me there. That was the longest three days I spent in Harvard Square!

10. Do you parallel park or drive around the block?
I have a pretty "I can park in the middle of the road" orange light on my van ... I put it anywhere!

11. Have you ever had two dates in one night?
Yeah ... July 26th and April 12th!

12. How many times have you been cussed out?
You mean in the last 5 minutes????

13. Which shoe do you put on first?
Mine

14. Have you ever been to a gay bar?
Not on purpose ... but I didn't have to buy a drink all night! You go girl!!!

15. Women---
Yes please! Oh is this word association??? OK OK .... Women? Alimony! (OK so maybe I am just a LITTLE bitter since the divorce)

16. Is there one thing all of your love interests have had in common?
Those damn restraining orders!

17. Did you French kiss before you were 16?
Just the old lady that lived next door ... hey, she was French! Wait, what ... they DON'T always kiss like that??? Damn you Mrs. Jackson! WHAT??? Jackson's not French??? Son of ...

18. Have you ever been cow-tipping or snipe-hunting?
You know what happens when you run into the side of a cow? You get knocked out! What the HELL is snipe hunting???

19. Who is the last person you usually think about before you fall asleep?
The crazy dude standing outside my window!

20. Have you ever had a poem or a song written about you?
Yeah ... I'm the man from Nantucket!

21. If you had to choose to not ever wash your bed sheets again or not wash your bath towel ever again, which would you rather not wash?
Bath towel ... I'm already CLEAN when I'm using it! I've done some pretty dirty shit on my sheets!

22. Have you ever found anything in your parents' bedroom that was questionable?
Yeah, the mailman!

23. What was your childhood nickname?
Mom called me "Fucking Kid" and "Son of a Bitch" ... but she never got the irony of the "Son of a bitch" thing!

24. When is the last time you played the air guitar?
I'm more of a dashboard drummer!

25. Have you ever peeked in the opposite sexes locker room?
You mean in the last 5 minutes??? Oh, I mean NO never!

26. Have you ever bitten your toenails?
I thought I was once ... turned out to be the dude sitting next to me ... AWKWARD!

27. How do you eat a cookie?
ha ha ha I've heard it called a "Taco" a "Clam" and even a "Cooter" but NEVER a cookie ... oh, did you mean a REAL cookie???

28. When working out at the gym, do you wear a belt?
They say "join a gym and lose weight" ... I've joined 5 of them and haven't lost a pound ... so NO!

29. Name something you do when you're alone that you wouldn't do in front of others.
Uhm ... really??? Well, now I'm not ALLOWED to do it in front of others ... part of the "hovering over toilets" ordeal.

30. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk?
I'm not sure because I always seem to miss it ... but I'm going to say about two drinks BEFORE I realize I am drunk!

31. Have you ever sniffed an animal's butt?
Who answers YES to this? I mean even if you HAD ... who answers yes to this????

32. How often do you clean out your ears?
I wipe every time ... OH, my EARS ... sorry ... every morning after my shower!

33. Do you scrunch or fold your toilet paper?
See, I knew there would be a shit question thrown in here ... I'm a roller!

34. About how many times a day do you pick a wedgie?
I did it 6 times today ... almost 7 but she started to run!

35. Do you have any strange phobias?
I'm afraid of being molested by a horse ... strange huh?

36. Have you ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?
Plenty of American objects but nothing Foreign.

37. What is the stupidest thing you've ever done at a bar?
Really??? You don't have time for me to answer this ... trust me on that one!

38. Have you ever been dared to do something you totally regretted?
Nobody dared me to get married but I regret it, dos that count?

39. Have you ever called your love interest by an ex's name?
WHY would I ever call a love interest "You FN bitch" ????

40. Have you ever played naked Twister?
Hell yeah!!! And I'm getting so good one of these days I may challenge someone to play with me!

OK ... you're turn!

Appletini's and a Massage chair ... not the Heaven you would think it should be!

I'm not a big drinker! Wait, before I mislead you let me say that I LOVE to drink ... but I'm only 5'7" so I'm not a BIG drinker ... see, now it makes sense right?

The truth is though I really don't drink much any more. I used to drink all the time when I was married. See I figured out not long after the honeymoon that any time I opened my mouth I would end up pissing off Satan's Sister ... I really just think she hated the fact that I talked. Actually I think she hated the fact that I was breathing and then when I talked it just pushed her over the edge.

One day it hit me ... if I drank enough so I COULDN'T talk then I wouldn't piss her off and I would stay out of trouble. AND even if I did piss her off I was so shit faced I had no clue what she was even bitching at me about ... I'd just sit there with the dog look on my face. You know the look a dog gives when you talk to it ... it's kind of like the "what the hell are you talking to me for I'm a dog and I have no idea what you are saying and as soon as you're done I'm gonna go back to licking myself" look. Shit, I think I even did the head tilt and ear thing a couple of times! Looking back now ... if I could have figured out how to do the "licking myself" part I would've never been married ... who am I kidding ... I would've never left the house! But I digress ...

I was exactly 17 when I realized you don't make very good decisions when you are drunk. It was right at the moment I noticed I had a baby-pig-devil-cowboy in a diaper tattooed on my right shoulder! A tattoo that to this day I STILL have to explain every time I take my shirt off. I have actually contemplated getting the following tattooed directly under the baby-pig-devil-cowboy in a diaper:

"I have no F-N idea what it is I was 17 and drunk when I got it"

That way I can actually stop explaining it to everyone. They'll just see the "disclaimer" and go along their merry way thinking "oooh, the poor bastard".

Just as a public service announcement I would like to suggest that you pick out whatever item you want permanently placed on or in your body PRIOR to drinking (cue the NBC "The More You Know" jingle now!)

OK so another bad thing that came from drinking was my marriage ... but it's not what you think. See my entire proposal was a complete misunderstanding! I was drunk and I asked her if she would CARRY me ... she thought I said MARRY and the next thing you know I've got a ring on my finger, my balls in a glass jar and a tilted head with a "what the hell are you talking to me for I'm a dog " look on my face!

Just as a public service announcement I would like to suggest that you pick out whatever person you want to place on your marriage license PRIOR to drinking! And again with the NBC jingle ...

These days I very rarely drink and to be completely honest with you, except for this past Saturday, I couldn't tell you the last time I was actually drunk. Which brings us to this last Saturday! Saturdays have become Golf day for me and my buddy Tom.

SIDE NOTE: Golf is a drinking game created by someone who was drunk ... had to be! The first guy who suggested taking this tiny little white ball and hitting into a tiny little hole about 400 yards away was SHIT FACED! That would've been the only time that would have sounded like a great idea ... and if he wasn't shit faced the guy who said "Yeah, lets do it" was! And more proof that golf is a drinking game ... 18 holes / 18 pack of beer don't even tell me that's a coincidence!

Saturdays have been golf days ... except for last Saturday. Last Saturday my buddy Tom had some back issues so we decided not to play golf. Instead we sat on his deck shooting the shit and DRINKING. I am, have always been and will always be a beer guy. I did go through a short period where I would add some Tequila shots into the mix. When I drank Tequila I would either fight all night or fuck all night ... then when I got married I ended up fighting about not fucking ... so I quit drinking Tequila!

I am a beer guy! Beer doesn't sneak up on you and slap you in the face and say "Hey, it's time to throw-up" like the hard stuff does. Oh, you will throw up from drinking too much beer BUT it's a much slower on-set of the "oh shit" feeling ... with hard stuff it's like "I'm having a great ti ... BLLLUUUUGGGHHHHH"

Back to last Saturday ... The day is going on and we are drinking some beers. I decide to try one of these things called Jack Daniels Punch (another bad decision made by alcohol) and they weren't bad even after 4 or 5. I also enjoyed some Mike's Hard Lemonade because nothing bad has ever come from mixing alcohol ... right? Then my buddy's brother-in-law announces he is going to make Appletini's! I found that VERY amusing! Again I am a beer guy and always thought of Appletini's as "chick drinks" so I had to make fun of him for a few minutes. I may even have questioned his sexuality a bit ... after all he not only drinks Appletini's he knows how to MAKE THEM?!?!

You know, they're not bad ... and they're not hard to make at all! I think I had 3 or 4 of them before he explained to me that they were NOT shots and I shouldn't be sucking down the entire glass in one sip. Oh yeah, this would be a perfect spot for another Public Service Announcement ... never let the guy you were just making fun of make you drinks ... EVER!

It is now about 4:30 in the afternoon and I am inebriat ... enibriat ... anebriat ... SHIT FACED! And now it is decision time ... because when you are drunk that's when you think you think the best and that's when all the good ideas are born.

During our conversations through out the day my buddy was telling me about this chair he has and how wonderful it is. You may have seen one like it at Brookestones. It's the one with the massage balls that REALLY give you a deep tissue massage. You now the one that actually lifts you out of the chair when it pushes on your tired muscles? Yeah, that one! I decide this would be the perfect time for me to not only try out the chair but also FIGURE out the chair! Yes this is a great time to take a break from drinking and go have a little resty in the chairsy ... a chair I have NO idea how to operate sober never mind plastered!

I can't say that I honestly remember getting into the chair ... or which buttons I hit ... or which "program" I ran ... but I DO remember waking up about 2 1/2 hours later and the fucking thing was STILL massaging me! Of course at this point it wasn't so much massaging me as it was tenderizing me like you would a piece of steak. My entire body was like jello and my legs where like rubber bands.

I walked out to the deck much like the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz and I mentioned to my buddy how the chair made me feel and he replied (I SHIT YOU NOT) "Yeah, the book tells you not to stay in it more then 10-15 minutes" ... THE BOOK? He thinks I took time to read the friggin BOOK before I got in the chair? What chair comes with a BOOK???

Now I should remind you that when I went in to the chair I could barley talk but apparently my good buddy Tom, who has known me for almost 20 years, thought I was in good enough condition to sit and read the owners manual prior to my "adventure" in the chair. I couldn't have read a STOP sign, let alone a book!

Due to my many years of conditioning I was able to handle the massive consumption of alcohol without throwing up so I went in search of a chair that didn't require me to read a book prior to using it to curl up in and fall asleep ... and sleep I did!

When I woke up Sunday morning my entire back was actually black and blue and I couldn't even touch it with out squealing like a 3 year-old! I wasn't really hungover though ... sure I had a screaming headache, an upset stomach and I could actually feel my hair grow, but I wouldn't say I was hungover ... yes, Sunday was a very long day!

Now if someone told you they spent the day drinking Appletini's in a massage chair you would think they were in heaven ... but I am walking (slowly) living (barley) proof that Appletini's and a Massage chair ... not the Heaven you would think it should be!

Internet Dating has made me a puppy!

I was married for 3 happy months ... my marriage actually lasted 7 years but if you add up all the happy times it comes out to only about 3 months. I've been divorced now for almost 3 years and except for a few short "relationships" I have been single the entire time. I have actually enjoyed my singleness but much like myself, it's getting old.

I have never been very good at picking up woman. Most of my relationships have been with woman I met through friends or they actually picked me up. I met my ex-wife because my buddy had a crush on her and in using me to pick her up he inadvertently hooked us up and we hit it off (for the night). He never forgave me for stealing her away ... and I'll never forgive him for letting me!

So here I am now, single and sick of it ... it's time to start looking.

Let's do the math on this one ... Married for 7 years and single now for almost 3 ... that's almost 10 years of being out of the dating game! I have no idea where to even start! I can't meet women through my friends any more because now all my friends are married ... and guess what? Married people hang out with MARRIED PEOPLE! Again I will remind you that I suck at picking woman up ... so the singles bar type thing is out of the question.

I like to research things, you know Google shit! So I Google "Where to pick up woman" ... apparently WHERE is interchangeable with HOW because I got about 2,000 results for HOW TO PICK UP WOMAN and how to be a "Playa". OK, First of all I can't be a "Playa" if I don't know WHERE you are playing the game and second of all I can't be a "Playa" if I don't know HOW to play the friggin game!

Then I Google "Where to MEET woman" (side note: "Where to MEAT woman" will bring up an entirely different set of results!). This search was a little more useful ... or so I thought until I got to "Laundromat". There was an entire article about meeting single ladies at laundromats. The article suggested you hang out and scope out the "scene" so you can learn what type of woman use the laundromat. Right off I'm going to guess it will be woman with dirty clothes! WTF ... so I am suppose to just hang out at a laundromat scoping out woman? There ARE guys that do this type of thing ... they are the same guys who steal your dirty panties and do nasty things with them in the bathroom! Sorry, but the laundromat is out the window ... NEXT!

I am having no luck with my Google search. In fact most of the "articles" I'm finding are written by men ... men who have time to write articles about where to meet woman. Single men have time to write articles about where to meet woman ... men in happy relationships don't have time to write articles about where to meet woman! Get my point? NO? Let me put it this way ... I'm not going to take dental advice from a dentist with no teeth ... get it? GOOD!

This was the point I decided to take a friends suggestion and check out the "internet" dating thing. I have heard horror stories about it just like you have but I thought "Nah, it can't be that bad, right?" ... Well, yes it actually CAN be that bad!

I checked out a few sites and even ventured to craigslist (which I now honestly believe to be the on-line version of laundromats) and let me tell you ... there are some fucked up people in this world! I spent about an hour reading some ads and after that my first thought was "I bet being a Priest is very rewarding" ... I'm not Catholic so my Priesthood days would never become reality. Besides, from what I remember about it ... I actually enjoy sex!

I should mention that these are the "FREE" sites ... the "PAY" sites must have better quality people, right?

Let's start with ... well I don't want to mention any names but it rhymes with Match.com! They have a great offer ... if you don't find someone in 6 months the next 6 months are FREE! How cool is THAT? I can spend another 6 months getting rejected and I won't even have to pay for it ... AWESOME! So pretty much they'll confirm that you are either too picky or just a complete loser for free, now that's one hell of a service they're providing don'tcha think?

One thing about the site that rhymes with Match.com is that you can look at the profiles for free, you only have to join if you see someone you like. I decided to give this a shot. Yes it was FREE, but you had to pay to meet the people so maybe they wouldn't be as crazy ... maybe!

HOLY SHIT! If you are looking for an "honest, fun, easy to get along with, sick of games type person that their friends call loyal" ... then this is the place for you because just about EVERY ad I read said that. This is where they all hang out ... spank my ass and call me Barney!!! (Which, by the way, was the title of one of the ads on craigslist ... I just couldn't figure out if they meant Barney Frank or the big purple dinosaur).

Moving on I come across Chemistry.com ... hmmm, let's try this. After all I always liked science! This site asks you questions and you answer them in essay form. In case you are wondering how I do answering questions may I direct your attention to 44 ODD THINGS ABOUT ME or MY BUCKET LIST ... I knew right away this wasn't going to end well!

Question: Who would you like to meet? Are you kidding me? REALLY?
OK ... here was my HONEST answer: When I was about 22 years old my apartment got broken in to ... I was 22 years old and survived on Mac 'N Cheese and Ramon Noodles. I want to meet the person who broke into my apartment ... just so I can slap them upside the head and ask them what the HELL they were thinking! If you're going to break into an apartment go for the guy that's got shit to steal!

At some point in this Chemistry.com survey it requires you to write a little blurb about yourself. I say "requires" because you can not see your chemically selected matches until you type at least 200 words. This took me back ... back to elementary school. Any time I did anything wrong in elementary school the teachers always made me write a 500 word essay on why I shouldn't have done whatever it was I did. I wrote a LOT of these little essays (hard to believe I know) ... mind you it was a 500 word essay! I can not tell you how very, very, very, very, very sorry I was all the time! (See, every "very" counts as a word ... get it?)

Now I am writing this 200 word blurb for a Chemistry.com guru, or some shit like that, and of course I was very, very, very, very, very excited to meet new people! Yeah, this wasn't going to work ... let's try something else!

So I decide I'll start typing my traits (I'm loyal), the good qualities about me (I like to cuddle), my looks (I'm cute), my likes (I like to be out doors), my personality (I like to make people smile) ... and there it was ... I'm a fucking puppy! Yup, I'm either going to make a good boyfriend or a great puppy! There has to be an easier way.

I had seen an ad on TV about another dating site that was offering a "free communications weekend". Now I don't want to mention eharmony.com by name so I won't but I did try their site. This one is a little different than match and chemistry. This one is like an SAT!!! I just wrote a 200 word essay, drank a beer and now you want me to take an SAT type test? Shit, give me a dime bag of weed and I'm back in High School!

I spent about 35 minutes marking off the eharmony SAT type questions ... I strongly agreed and I strongly disagreed on a bunch of shit that I really didn't care about. But hey, the TV ad says they match you with compatible people so it just might be worth it! I finish up their little test and click the "See Your Matches" button ... ooooh I could feel the excitement growing. With just one click of this little button there she will be ... the woman of my dreams! I take a big breath and click the button and BAM!

Sorry, we have no matches for you at this time.

Are you kidding me? Eharmony has nothing for me? Look I'm not being too picky here ... give me something, throw me a bone ... shit, again with the puppy thing.

So eharmony is out and I'm beginning to think the whole Internet Dating thing might be a wash.

I did see something about something called "Speed Dating" (A.D.D. dating is what I call it) and it sounded interesting. Basically you spend about 3 minutes with each person and then at the end of the night you see if there was any connections. But I do have my concerns ... I can disappoint a lady in 30 seconds, I don't know what the hell I'll do with the other 2 1/2 minutes ... but I think I actually have to keep my clothes on for this so who knows.

To Be Continued (at some point) . . .

Garanamils and Mannequins ... PART 2!

ATTENTION THIS IS PART 2
READ PART 1 FIRST

So I am now standing in the middle of the Men's Department with Flamboyant Phil ... feeling much like I did the 1st time my ex-girlfriend surprised me with a finger up my sphincter during sex ... excited and confused!

He was standing there looking around and making little noises ... I was standing there looking around wondering WHAT was making HIM make little noises. Because as best as I could tell there wasn't anything moving or even close to him but what the hell do I know, maybe THIS is the way you shop. And now we're off ...

He's grabbing shirts and pants and belts and his little noises have now turned into either a "yes, yes" or a "no, no". This entire time I am just following behind him much like a school kid does when he's school clothes shopping with his mom. I have no idea WHAT he's picking out or if he is even still shopping for me, clearly he is "in the zone" and I don't want to mess with his Mojo. I'm just doing my best to stay out of his way and keep up with him as he bounces around the department.

I mentioned before how I was like a little school kid shopping with his mom? Now it's even worse because I am getting bored and I want this little adventure to be OVER ... so now I am actually dragging my feet and I'm about 2 seconds away from a "are we almost done" whine when she appears! I see her first but Flamboyant Phil wasn't far behind because he screams out "Sara my love ... what a chore I have here". Honestly? Half of me wanted to smack him for calling me a "chore" and the other half of me wanted to throw out the puppy-dog eyes of sympathy ... I went with the eyes!

Flamboyant Phil (not sure if his name was really Phil, but it's working for me!) is now talking with Sara and going on and on about how this shirt will go with these pants but it could also be a casual fit with these pants and ... yeah, I was lost too! But Sara was beautiful and I AM a typical male so I stood there pretending I knew WHAT he was saying AND I was agreeing with him! I was thinking the sooner he got back into his "zone" the sooner I could chat it up with Sara. Maybe if I played this right I could wear one of these new "outfits" on my 1st date with Sara!!!

Let's jump ahead about fifteen minutes here ... Flamboyant Phil is back to the "yes, yes" and "no,no's" and I am having a casual, unassuming conversation with Sara. I explain that I have always been bad at clothes shopping and even go into the whole Garanamils and Mannequin story. She thinks it's funny, or at least pretends she thinks it's funny, and I'm thinking we are hitting it off. This could be a GREAT DAY OF SHOPPING!!!

Things are going great, Phil is having fun shopping for me and I'm having fun flirting with Sara ... for the 1st time in a long time I wasn't missing garanamils or mannequins!

OK, so maybe I went a little overboard telling Sara how wonderful Phil was for picking out these clothes for me ... and maybe I shouldn't have agreed with her about what an awesome person he was in general ... but I was just trying to be nice and compliment her friend. She, on the other hand, took my "niceness" as bragging! I know this because as she walked away she grabbed my hand and told me what a wonderful person I seemed to be and how happy she was Phil found a nice guy!

HOLY SHIT SHE THINKS WE ARE A COUPLE!?!?!

I was so stunned I couldn't speak ... she walked away, Phil handed me his selections and I walked towards the cash register with a "What the fuck just happened here" look on my face.

A couple of days later I exchanged the clothes at another store (they just were not "me") for a couple of pairs of Jeans and some new T-shirts (more "me") and walked out of the store once again missing my Garanamils and Mannequins!


I HATE SHOPPING ... no, I mean I REALLY hate shopping!

Garanamils and Mannequins ... PART 1!

I HATE clothes shopping ... no I mean I REALLY HATE CLOTHES SHOPPING! But I do have valid reasons! Now I wouldn't want to be misunderstood as one of those people who hate things just to hate things. I generally don't hate much, there are many things I am simply not fond of - like artichokes and John Tesh, oddly enough they both make my stomach turn - but shopping I can honestly say I HATE.

Reason number 1: I absolutely suck at making decisions. I have got to be the most indecisive person I have ever met ... I think, well maybe not ...

Reason number 2: As much as I suck at making decisions I suck even MORE at matching ... what goes with what?

When I was a kid I had Garanimals and that made life so much easier. Elephants went with elephants, giraffes went with giraffes and whales went with whales. That was EASY for me, I knew never to leave the house with an elephant on my chest and a giraffe on my ass ... Whales don't play with donkeys and grasshoppers don't jive with lions! Ahhh, simpler times my friend, simpler times!

In case you don't know, they don't make Garanimals for adults or even teenagers. In fact it says it right in their name: "Garanamals: Clothing for Kids". As a teenager I had mannequin's to help me shop. The stores had them everywhere and they all had clothes on that matched! I would find a mannequin that I thought looked cool (most likely wearing "Z Cavaricci" pants and maybe a "Polo" shirt ... am I dating myself here???) and then I would go find the exact same clothes in my size and I was done. Five minutes in the store and I had, what I guess woman call, "an outfit" ... see you later, BYE! But yes sadly enough even the mannequins went away eventually. I imagine a big field somewhere with a bunch of naked plastic people. Some missing an arm or their legs, maybe a few without heads or a right hand ... just waiting for their big comeback!

Kind of a funny image isn't it?

Back in the day it was simple ... if you saw a well dressed guy he was either married or he was gay! There was no bullshit about it because straight, heterosexual guys couldn't match clothes and we had NO FRIGGIN' IDEA what mauve was. But now all that has changed ... now we have guys who can match clothes, and they not only know what mauve is BUT they can tell the difference between mauve and fuchsia AND they're into woman!

I didn't get the "metrosexual" gene. I'm into woman but I still can't match and the whole mauve versus fuchsia shit ... sorry, it's all PINK to me! But I'm a divorced, single guy who needs to wear clothes and therefore I need to go shopping for said clothes.

How hard could it be for a guy to find a matching outfit? Remember how long it took us to find the clitoris? And that had books with maps to it! There's no little guy in a canoe at Old Navy my friend ... you are on your own!

Now I've been a jeans and T-shirt guy for years. It is simple and easy and EVERYTHING always matched. But I'm getting older and I decided I should start dressing a little more "grown-up" ... not polyester pants pulled up so far my balls actually make camel tows "grown-up", but something other then Levi's and Red Sox shirts. So off to the mall I went ... alone!

I made the decision on my way to the mall the easiest thing for me to do would be to find a sales person and have them help me pick some shit out. I figure if they work around clothes then they must be able to match, right? Let me answer THAT question with this question ... do you think the 16 year old kid bagging your groceries knows how to cook? I think that sums it up, don't you?

First of all stores don't have "sales" people any more. Sure there are people who work there walking around straightening shit up, but the good old days of "can I help you find anything" are gone! Maybe they figured once we found the little guy in the canoe we could find anything ... I don't know! OH, and the proper term is now "associate" ... the people you see who work at the store are now called "associates" ... it says so right on their name tags.

The first "associate" I came across I think needed more help then I did. I can't match but I know when something doesn't look good and believe me this didn't look good. Then I noticed a male "associate" ... oooh, maybe one of these "Metrosexuals" I keep hearing about.

I approach him and lay my cards on the table. I explain my situation and my inability to match ... I even went so far as to make a joke about Garanimals. That's when he rolled his eyes at me, clasped his hands in front of his chest and said "You need some help sweety ... Let me see if I can help you coordinate a fabulous ensemble ... we are going to do some shopping". He then pranced, he didn't walk he pranced, over to the men's department. I wasn't sure what he meant by ensemble but I figured as gay as he was he could put together one hell of an outfit!

Now we are standing in the middle of men's and my "helper" has one hand on his hip and his other hand tapping his lip and it hit ... I just became Tinkerbell's project! I have become an episode of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"

TO BE CONTINUED ...

PART TWO COMING SOON!!!

Can you hear me now?

It looks as is Spring has finally sprung in Boston! The weather is awesome so I decided to take another walk through the streets of Boston. Of course it's going to be tough to top the Dunkin' Doorman but I'm gonna try my hardest to find something to get into before I call it a day!

Most of the time I'm walking or riding the T I'm listening to my mp3 player and the sounds around me are drowned out. Today I decided to pass on the musical soundtrack and just take in the sounds of the city ... you know, in all their wonderful glory!

One of the most annoying inventions in the last 20 years has to be the little bluetooth ear pieces people use to make their cell phones hands free. I have a couple of issues with these damn things!

First off, now I can't tell the crazy people from the sane people any more! Now I have to ask myself "do they have a bluetooth or are they really just talking to themselves". Another thing is I NEVER know if you're talking to me or if you are on your phone ... case in point:
I was on a business trip and my company had put me up in a hotel room with a guy from another office. I had never met this guy before and now we were going to be sharing a room together for a couple of days. So here we are in the hotel room unpacking and I'm sitting at the desk checking my e-mail and this guy, who I only met 20 minutes before, asks "What size shirt do you wear?". I have to admit I did think this was an odd question from someone I just met but I answered it and continued checking my e-mail.

My temporary roommate continues to unpack and then he asks me if I like long sleeves or short sleeves ... what is it with this guy and shirts? He continues to ask questions ... weird ones too, like do I prefer pink or purple ... do I like ruffles ... that kind of stuff! Now I have to be honest with you and admit I was getting nervous and giving some serious thought to requesting a new room ... but I did answer each and every one of his questions. Then he told me he loved me ... WTF???

Just as I was about to punch him square in the nose I realized he had one of those fancy-dancy bluetooth ear pieces and that he was actually on the phone with his wife ... now who looks like an idiot? Yeah, not a big fan of the bluetooths!

Another problem I have with those cute little ear pieces is that if you are going to force me to listen to your phone conversation ... I want both sides! Screw the ear piece and just put it on speaker ... I don't want the one sided conversation, I WANT THE WHOLE DAMN THING! And if you are having a conversation that you are forcing me to listen to ... it better be a good one!


Back to my walk through Boston...

I'm walking along enjoying the weather and the sounds of the city and it hit me like Chris Brown (c'mon, it can't STILL be too soon!). Here's what I'll do ... I'll walk around and see what interesting phone conversations I can "find". You walk next to someone long enough you can kind of put the story together yourself. OK, so it may not be the whole story, and you may need to fill in some blanks yourself, but it could still be interesting! Down the street I go looking for a good conversation.

The first person I happen along is talking about Monday ... Monday, first thing! A doctors appointment? Big meeting at work? Damn it woman tell me more! As I am trying to figure out what this lady has going on on Monday a guy walks by me and I hear "Yeah dude, she had a banging ass" ... and that's where I lost interest in what this lady had going on on Monday ... U-TURN!

Now I am headed in the opposite direction listening to this guy recount his adventures with his temporary secretary ... his regular secretary was on vacation or something (OK, I made that last part up ... but it helps with the story don't you think?). To be honest with you the "conversation" got real boring real quick, almost made me regret leaving the lady with the Monday plans.

At some point my ADD kicked in and I lost focus on his conversation and him in general, next thing I know I'm walking next to some guy that is having problems with his wife and seems to be asking the person on the other end of the phone for some advice. Now in case you are new to this blog OR you live in a bubble, I will remind you that I am divorced and I am VERY familiar with "having problems with the wife". My ex-wife and I had a LOT of problems ... I mean A LOT! Of course it wasn't all the problems that convinced me to divorce her, nope ... it was the day I walked in and caught her doing laundry, that's when I knew I HAD to divorce her ... I guess I SHOULD mention that laundry was the name of the neighbors dog!

Moving on ...

This guys conversation was kind of depressing and I was once again getting bored. I felt his pain, but I needed to find a more uplifting conversation to eavesdrop. After all it is a beautiful day and the sun is shinning! It's HAPPY TIME! Damn you and your troubled marriage!

Here’s a lady yelling at someone , ”You’re an asshole” … I’ve heard THAT plenty of times … NEXT! “So the stocks have stabilized at …” boring … NEXT! “I miss you so much my heart aches … ” oh c’mon, I’m getting sick over here … NEXT “It’s like an oily, puss filled discharge that comes from my …” HOLY SHIT, YOU ARE IN PUBLIC BUDDY!!!

As I slip in my ear buds and turned up some Kid Rock to drown out the oily, puss filled conversation I think I may have actually yelled out “DAMN YOU BLUETOOTH INVENTOR” … so much for the sounds of the city! "I'm a cowboy baby ..." yeah, much better ... ahhhhhhh!

Ahhh the great outdoors ...as seen on Discovery (Finale)

ATTENTION:
This part 3 of 3 ... read part 1 & 2 first!

You know when you first wake up and you're not sure where you are? This time I REALLY had no idea where I was, except to say I was in the middle of the woods laying on a mixture of snow and leaves. I was so cold I was shaking like a homophobic guy eating a hot dog at a gay pride parade. Luckily I remembered that I had the radio in my ear ... all I needed to do was "break radio silence" and tell them I'm ready to go home.

Not so easy for two reasons - 1. I never turned it on and 2. I kind of remember someone saying, earlier in the morning, that they would switch to blah blah channel and then maybe blah blah channel if there was too much chatter. Yeah, the "blah blah" parts where lost in my head. As someone was telling me channels all I was hearing was that little voice in my head saying "you just shit in a pickle bucket, run now"!

I have no idea where I am or how to get back to the camp and I'm looking at a little two way radio wondering what blah blah channel I would find someone who did actually know ... let the fun begin! What I decided to do is just go channel to channel looking for the guy who brought me out into the woods, Scott.

Here is the conversation I had at LEAST 9 times that morning on various channels of this little two way radio:

ME: Hey Scott you there?
SOMEONE IN A WHISPER: Who is this?
ME: It's me, Brendon. Is that you Scott?
SOMEONE IN A WHISPER: No this isn't Scott... shut up!
ME: I'm just looking for Scott.
a few moments of silence
ME: Do you know Scott?
SOMEONE IN A WHISPER: Scott who?
(and that's when I remembered I didn't know Scott's last name)
ME: Uhm, Scott ... I'm staying at ... uhm ... Hey do you have a bottomless pickle bucket to shit in at your camp?
SOMEONE IN A WHISPER: A WHAT?
ME: Yeah, OK never mind.

And then on to the next channel I would go in search of either Scott whats-his-name or someone who has a bottomless pickle bucket they shit in at their camp, they can't be that common!

Scott did actually find ME around 12:30 when he came back to the exact same spot he had left me at earlier that morning at O dark 30! All I had to do was look like I have been waiting for a deer AND try to pull off the "I wasn't sleeping" look ... something I perfected on many of the 3rd shift jobs I've held.

We headed back to camp for lunch and to discuss what signs we've seen ... you know, rubs and warm deer shit and bed downs and ... OK, honestly I have no freaking idea what any of these guys are talking about, and even if I did it wasn't going to matter because I was SLEEPING all morning and didn't see shit! But I sat there and took it all in ... all while the little voice in my head kept yelling RUN!

I'm not going to bore you with the rest of the day to day adventures I had those two weeks but I would like to share some important thing that I learned ...mostly the hard way!

• Fox urine stays on your skin for a LONG time.
• You never really realize how cold your hands actually are until you have to pee.
• Guns? They need something called ammunition ... you know, bullets! (learned that on day 3! Yeah, I was in the woods 3 days with an empty gun ... thought someone had loaded it for me, WRONG!)
• Sitting on a bottomless pickle bucket too long will cut the circulation off in your legs causing them to fall asleep ... making it nearly IMPOSSIBLE to walk for about 10 minutes.
  
• HUNTING IS NOT FOR ME!

No, I never did shoot anything ... in fact I never even saw anything (and I WAS awake half the time) and I really can't say I had a good time. In fact it would be safe to say that it was one of the longest two weeks of my life. These guys do it every year and they do it for ALL of the hunting seasons. Some guys haven't shot any thing in years, some get something every year. They say that's part of the "game", trying to out smart a wild animal.

My brother in law went hunting last year for wild boar. He didn't want to play the "game" though because he went to a place that you paid about $1,500 for a 4 day hunt ... but they guaranteed you would shoot a wild boar

Guaranteed huh? So I imagine that if on the 4th day you haven't shot anything they bring out this wild boar on a leash and say "Go ahead, pop a cap in his ass"!

Me, I'm fine in my recliner watching the great outdoors in HD on Discovery!

Ahhh the great outdoors ...as seen on Discovery (Part 2)

ATTENTION:
THIS IS PART 2 YOU SHOULD READ PART 1 FIRST

Some how, some way I was able to doze off and fall asleep amongst roaring nostrils and the erupting sphincters. It seemed as if I had just dozed off when I was thrust into the state of awareness by clanging pots and pans. Yeah, you see they have this little tradition at camp that on the 1st morning of the season all the "regulars" stand around the sleeping newbie and on the count of three bang the shit out of some pots and pans. Of course this isn't a tradition I was aware of until, oh let's say about 3:30 that morning!

As I sat at the kitchen table, again asking myself WHY, I realized that my body didn't care if we were in the woods or not ... it had some dinner from the night before it needed to vacate. It was at this point that I noticed the lack of a bathroom in this hell they call camp. However next to the door is a 5 gallon pickle bucket. Yes I said PICKLE BUCKET! At one time this bucket held pickles ... at one time. I know it is no longer used to hold pickles because there is no longer a bottom on this bucket! This, as I was informed, WAS the bathroom! You take the bucket out into the woods, find a spot and pop a squat. The purpose of the bucket was so you could sit and "relax". No bottom allowed your ... uhm ... "contribution" to fall to the ground. This, my friend, is how you shit in the woods!

It's about a quarter til 4 in the morning, pitch dark out and I'm tromping through deep snow with a flashlight and a bucket with no bottom looking for a spot. Yes the thought did enter my mind that this is just another "pick on the newbie" trick and there was, in fact, a Taj Mahal of a bathroom back at camp. The truth is there wasn't any Taj of a bathroom and this wasn't any "pick on the newbie" trick. As I said before ... this, my friend, is how you shit in the woods!

As I sat on the pickle bucket I once again began to swear at Al Gore and his "Inconvenient Truth". The only Inconvenient Truth was the fact that I am sitting on a pickle bucket in the middle of the woods, in the pitch dark and it's about -20 degrees. I actually yelled out "Fuck you Al Gore and your global warming bullshit". I may have been sitting on the pickle bucket but I WASN'T relaxing!

Back in camp all I wanted to do was crawl back into my bunk and go back to sleep. What kind of people get up at 4:00 in the morning to go sit out in the cold ... I mean besides homeless people. You can't go back to bed, that's not allowed at hunting camp. After all this is the manliest-man sport of all manly-man sports ... "YOU'RE HUNTING for shit-sake" is what I kept being reminded. Besides, it was breakfast time and I had to clean up, after all I WAS the newbie. Yeah, another "tradition" I wasn't aware of until it was too late.

Breakfast is done and I'm ready to head out and find a spot to hunker down at to await the almighty buck. I have a gun on my shoulder, an ear piece in my ear so I can hear my fellow hunters communicate via two-way radios. I am dressed in a borrowed camouflage outfit, I have a bright orange tuke on my head ... what more do I need? FOX PISS! Yes I said FOX PISS! See, deers have a VERY keen sense of smell and you must mask your "human" scent when you go out into the woods. The best way to do this, I was being told as I was getting doused in fox piss, was to cover your clothing in "nature scents" ... i.e.: fox piss! Let me tell you how bad fox piss smells ... it's bad. There was something else I could use if I wanted to ... Buck semen! Who the hell collects this shit? How do you get a fox to piss into this little bottle? And the buck ... who has to "aid" in the collection of that? Maybe my jobs not that bad after all, you think?

4:30 in the morning and here I go ... gun on my shoulder and covered in fox piss. Dammit I'm going hunting (insert Tim Taylor "argh argh" effect here) does life get any better? I'm walking with the guy who invited me on this adventure and I'm guessing he's regretting inviting me just about as much as I am regretting the fact that I said yes ... two weeks huh?

We have been walking now for about 20 minutes and I'm ready for a break. This was back in the day when I still smoked and I was ready to sit down and light up. Guess what? Smoking isn't allowed! Deers can smell it and will vacate the area! No smoking? No bathroom? And I only have 12 beers left ... again I start crying!

My "friend" finds me the perfect spot. Tells me to bunker down and just hang out. He reminds me that you are not allowed to shoot until day break so if I see anything I should just keep an eye on it until the suns up. That's fine if it's a cute little deer ... but if it's a bear or coyote I'm shooting the fucking thing and I don't care if the suns up or not. You can bet your ass on that! Of course I didn't tell him that, I just nodded and smiled ... the "sure, everything is just fine" kind of bullshit look. With his final words of advice, which were "don't shoot yourself by accident", off into the darkness he disappeared, leaving me there to wonder if it was OK if I shot myself on purpose!

It's only about 5am and I've already had a full day. I woke up to pounding pots and pans ... I've shit through an old pickle bucket ... I've bathed in fox piss ... I've hiked in the woods ... and now I'm sitting in the dark waiting for the sun to come up so I can shoot the 1st flipping thing I see so I can go back to bed. As I sat there I became Ghandi like ... not being all peaceful and shit, more like the trance shit ... just staring into space. I went from leaning back on a tree questioning my ability to make decisions to waking up about 10 feet from my gun with the sun beating down on me. It was now 11 am and the only thing that was going to make this worse was opening my eyes to see a big steaming pile of deer shit right next to me. Luckily there was no deer shit, but I had been asleep for about 6 hours. The gun was still resting on the tree much like I was before I rolled away from it in my slumber.

Yeah, this hunting thing just wasn't going to be for me, I could tell.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Ahhh the great outdoors ... as seen on Discovery (Part 1)

I'm not the outdoorsy Man vs. Wild type of guy. I know you find that hard to believe considering 99.5% of my blog posts originate from my recliner (I would say 100% but there was that one time I was on the toilet).

I grew up in the city and considered a walk through the Boston Commons as a "hike" in the woods, that was until I moved away from the city. I was married and living in rural Amercia, and by that I mean cousins married and the dentist was the loneliest guy in town. A friend of mine asked me if I wanted to go to hunting camp with him and a bunch of guys. After two years of marriage I got to tell you that 2 weeks in the middle of the woods with a bunch of guys sounded pretty damn good at this point! So off to hunting camp I went ready to learn what I could about the great outdoors.

The first, and most important, thing I learned as we hiked to the hunting camp was YES, bears DO shit in the woods, so stop asking! Once we got to the actual camp it was time to unload the packs and settle in for an adventurous two weeks. Now is a good time to tell you that deer season is in November and in November there is plenty of snow in rural America. It was also one of the many times I really questioned Al Gore's theory of Global Warming ... but more on that later.

So as these guys I am with start to unload their packs I began to realize I should've paid better attention to my "friend" when he was telling me what I would need. These guys are pulling out wool pants (called woolys) and big heavy jackets and orange hats and vests, gloves and mittens and wool socks... Me? I pulled out some thermal underwear and a case of beer ... clearly I have missed something here.

The unpacking is done and now the guns start coming out. I guess you need to clean them and oil them and rub them just the right way. I started thinking if some of these guys treated their wives like they treated their guns they wouldn't need two weeks away in the woods ... but who am I to judge - I'm sitting in thermal underwear drinking beer! My friend has brought one of his guns to let me use during my hunting experience. I don't have the "bond" with this gun that these other guys seem to have with their guns. So as they rub and caress theirs I toss mine on the couch and open another beer. See it least I'm treating this gun exactly how I treated my wife ... no favoritism from this guy!

One thing that is amazing at hunting camp is the food. I may be hunted down myself and shot for exposing this, but guys CAN cook... and not just the gay ones! The food was incredible! Maybe it was the 1/2 case of beer I had drank, but I was really starting to enjoy myself. That was until I was informed that wake-up was at 3:30 in the morning. 3:30 in the frigging morning? What, do deers have jobs that they have to get to so we need to catch them on their commute? It's the wild, won't they still be around at say ... NOON?

It was explained to me that we need to get up at 3:30 for a quick breakfast and then be in the woods all set up by 4:30, 5:00 at the latest. Wait, I thought we WERE in the woods ... can't I just open this door and shot the 1st deer I see, then go back to bed? I knew this hunting thing wasn't going to be for me ... last time I had seen 3:30 in the morning I was just getting home!

It's just a little past 10:00pm and it's time for bed, so I'm told. Lights out! The last time I slept in a room with 9 guys was Boy Scout camp when I was 11 and I don't remember anyone snoring this much. Honest to God it was like a constant roar of a grizzly bear, these guys couldn't even get in sync with each other! Another thing I should mention is that as good as the food was we ate for dinner ... it did create, shall we say, a SHIT LOAD OF GAS! I'm not sure how to type sound effects, but if just for a moment you could imagine snoring and farting from 9 guys and the sounds that it would make ... yeah, not so pretty is it?

As I lay on my cot listening to the Fart-and-snore Orchestra I begin to wonder WHY... why did I commit to TWO weeks of this. I'm going to be stuck in the woods with a bunch of guys that, I would be willing to bet, would make love to their guns if they could figure out how. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks ... HOLY SHIT I only brought a case of beer! I cried myself to sleep that night!

TO BE CONTINUED
-----------
Part 2 coming soon

Another round of questions answered ... A.K.K. too much time on my hands!

Another Facebook type survey showed up in my e-mail today with the promise that if I answer all the questions and forward it to 20 of my friends I will receive something VERY special within 5 minutes of completing the questions! Hey, who am I to tempt fate?

So here we go..

1. Your ex is on the side of the road, on fire. What do you do?
Drop my empty gas can and run like hell!!! What, is that wrong? Yeah you are right I should keep the gas can with me ... evidence! Good thinking!

2. Your best friend tells you she is pregnant. What is your reaction?
To be honest with you if my best friend was a female then it's a good chance it could be mine!

3. When is the last time you wanted to punch someone in the face?
About 5 minutes ago ... bikes are NOT automobiles ... stay out of the middle of the road asshole!

4. What is the last thing you spent money on?
Blue Blocker sun glasses and some "Extendz"... which, oddly enough, was also the last night I did drugs and stayed up watching all night infomercials!

5. Do you think you gained or lost weight this past month?
I don't think I gained or lost BUT something IS wrong with the dryer ... keeps shrinking my shit!

6. Crunchy or Puffy CheetoCurls?
Puffy ... used to think the crunchy ones were puffy ones that went bad!

7. The first person on your friends list just called you a bitch. What do you have to say ?
Bitch? really? Bitch!? Asshole I could see ... but Bitch? Can I change my answer to #3?

8. Congratulations! You just had a son. What's his name?
Jesus ... no really, at this point it would HAVE to be Jesus! Bit of a "dry spell" if you know what I mean.

9. Congratulations! You just had a daughter. What's her name?
Uhm ... what's the feminine version of Jesus ... Jesusa???

10. What are you craving right now?
A big Hot Fudge Sundae with nuts and whipped cream AND a Billy's Roast Beef dinner! SHIT, maybe I'M pregnant!!

11. What was the last thing you cried about?
Question 1 ... tears of joy my friend ... tears of joy!

12. When you buy something and your change is 2 cents, do you keep it or tell the cashier to keep it?
I TAKE IT ... you never know when I'm going to have to give someone my 2 cents on a subject and if I left it with the cashier I wouldn't have to give! DUH

13. What color is your tissue box?
Tissue box? really?

14. Do you have a ceiling fan in your bedroom, and if so, is there dust on that fan?
How can you have a ceiling fan AND mirrors on your ceiling???

15. What was the last voicemail you received about?
I guess my auto warranty is about to expire or something ... shit and it was my 2nd notice too!

16. Have you ever blocked someone on Facebook?
You can do that?

17. Scariest thing you've experienced in the last year?
Obama's election (relax I would've said the same thing about McCain)

18. Do you wear a name tag at work?
NO... they have too many names for me at work ... and most of them you wouldn't want to see in print!

19. What kind of car do you want?
Have you seen the car that turns into a plane??? Yeah, that one!

20. What do you order when you go to Taco Bell?
A Big Mac ... yeah that's the look they give me too!

21. Have you ever had a garage sale?
Yup ... but the guy who owned the garage was pissed!

22. What color is your iPod?
Black ... it's actually just an MP3 player I don't buy into the "brand name thing" ... me and my Zip sneakers are fine!

23. What is the last alcoholic beverage you had?
I do believe it was a Friday's Long Island Iced Tea ... OK, can I go back and change my craving question now?

24.Are you happy with your life?
It's OK but I would rather have that guys ... right there ... to your left ... walking ... the one over there ... no, the one next to him ... yeah HIM!

25. Who came over to your house last?
Some guy that said he witnessed Jehova or something something ...

26. Do you drink beer?
Why what else can I do with it? Something I don't know?

27. Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?
Yeah and my sister used to tell me she was going to return me ... no wonder I have so many issues huh?

28. What is your favorite key on your key chain?
Did you run out of SMART questions or something??? My Roller Skate Key of course! (How many people reading this ACTUALLY know what I'm talking about???)

29. What was the last movie you watched at home?
Debbie Does ... er, I mean ...Lakeview Terrace

30. What is in your pocket?
Sunshine ... yup ... I got a pocket ... a pocket full of sunshine!

31. Who introduced you to your bf/gf/husband/wife
I can't remember BUT IF I EVER SEE THEM AGAIN ... the mother fu... yeah ok, moving on!

32. Where do you hurt?
It's funny anytime someone brings up my ex ... my asshole starts to hurt!

33. Has someone ever made you a build a bear?
No ... but a Build a BEER ... yeah!

34. What's something fun you did today?
Oh I answered these questions and then I went to the dentist and had my teeth pulled without any Novocain ... it was a fucking blast!

35. What is your favorite aisle at Wal-Mart?
It used to be the free candy isle until they explained to me that it was actually the CANDY FREE isle ... amazing how "word order" can really change the perspective

36. When is your birthday?
July 28th SO DON'T FORGET MY PRESENT THIS YEAR!

37. Is there anything hanging from your rear view mirror?
nope

38. How many states in the US have you been to?
GOOD question ... let's see ... MA, VT, NH, PA, CA, FL, AL, TX, NY, ME, RI, VA, OH, GA, NJ, CT and Washington DC

39. What kind of milk do you drink?
Breast ... no? OK ... 2%

40. What are you going to do after this?
Vow never to answer any more of these damn surveys!

41. Who was the last person you went shopping with?
Not a big shopper ...

42. What is something you need to go shopping for?
I keep answering these surveys so I'm gonna answer A LIFE!

43. Do you have the same first name as one of your relatives?
Yeah, my Aunt Dorothy

44. What kind of car do your parents drive?
Does this matter?

45. Are you rich?
NOOOOOO, I'm Brendon! Oh you mean rich, like money wise ... yeah did you MISS the fact that I have an ex wife? I'll let YOU answer this one for yourself!


47. [Invisible Question Here]
invisible answer here (and damn it was a GOOD one too!)

48. What famous person do you look like?
Alf (he's still famous right?)


50. Say you were given a pregnancy test right now. Would you pass or fail?
Very confusing ... if you ARE pregnant is that a PASS or a FAIL? It's a Pregnancy Test ... if I take a drug test and I have drugs in me I FAIL, but if I take a pregnancy test and I have a kid in me I PASS ... or do I fail??? Oh, by the way ... I HAVE A PENIS so this was a waisted question!



60. Have you ever changed your clothes while in a vehicle?
Yup ... and NO I didn't see the trucker until it was too late!

OK, that does it for this round of questions!

~Ciao

Thoughts from the recliner with Avril Lavigne

It's a rainy Saturday afternoon and I'm kicking back in my recliner watching an Avril Lavigne concert on Palladia. I know what you're thinking ... I spend too much time in my recliner! Or where you thinking that it's odd that a man close to 40 years old is watching an Avril Lavigne concert? OK, maybe a little ... but I can't find the remote AND she's HOT plus she is actually pretty good. I will admit I DO like some of her music.

So how did I end up watching an Avril concert? This is how...

I was flipping through the typical Saturday afternoon TV shows and landed on one of the news / talk stations. There was a story about some really rich guy who has lost millions due to our ... what are they calling it today ... recession? No that's not it ... depression? Nope ... Economy "downturn" I believe is the latest angle. Sounds much less frightening doesn't it?

Any-whoot ... so there's this rich guy who lost millions due to the downturn and he committed suicide. The story went on to say that this is becoming a much more common thing ... rich people who lose their money and then kill themselves. THIS PISSES ME OFF! You mean you would rather be dead then have to live like us common folk? What are you afraid you might have to shop at Target? Maybe catch a blue light special at K-mart? Does the thought of eating at Applebees scare you so much you decide it's better just to end it all? WTF, Applebees isn't that bad! See that's the nice thing about being broke - the recession, er, "downturn" doesn't even really effect me - I was already broke.

The news/talk stuff was way too depressing so I continued to flip through the channels and came across the Avril concert. You have to admit Avril IS much cuter than Greta Van Susteren. Where the remote has gone is still a mystery to me but one I will have to solve later ... the Pussycat Dolls concert on Palladia starts in 5 minutes!

~Ciao